I saw G today. He talked about hospital. I said fine. Well, with a lot of persuasion.
He asked me what I thought I should do. I said I didn't know. Of course, what I was thinking was just leave me. But, I know he wouldn't do that. I said I felt like just running away because I was scared. He said that would achieve nothing as even if I ran away those thoughts and feelings would still be with me. I am still temped to. To ignore their phone calls. To go in to hiding. But, that would end up with the police at my door. Also, I don't want to put G in a position where he would have to call the police. I know running away wouldn't achieve anything. But that is all I want to do right now.
So after I left he spoke to crisis team, who also spoke to my doctor and agreed it best if I go in. So, now I am waiting to hear about beds. I have said that there are a couple of places I can't go. That make things worse for me. So they said they will try and get me one on one of the two that I have found helpful before. But, I am worried that if I turn down a bed, if it is at the hospital I hate, then, it will end up going down the MHA route. G said he wasn't going to arrange that, and he didn't think it would be helpful to me. But, if I didn't do something that would be where it is heading. That I would end up under a section. And that way, I wouldn't have any control at all. I don't feel like I have been left with much choice now anyway. I feel like if I said I didn't go in, that they would be looking at sectioning me.
I wouldn't tell him how I had been self harming. But, I said it is pretty much every day. I am losing control. I haven't eaten properly in over a week. When I have eaten a meal, I have then gone and purged it all. Or, I have gone days without eating at all. It's all a control thing for me. I can't control how I feel, I can't control the urges. But this is something I can control.
I doubt that they have a bed. I was called at just gone 14.00. So, I would imagine it will probably be tomorrow, maybe. If there was a bed they would have called me and said can you get there for such and such time.
I don't want to go. I want to run away. I want to stop feeling like this. I want it all to stop. Every time I go through these cycles I feel like this. I can't see a light at the end of the tunnel. I know I have felt like this before and the rational person in me tells me it can be better than this and it won't last forever. But, despite that, I can't see anyway out at all. Well, I can. But it's pretty permanent. It's get harder and harder to see that it can be ok. I don't know when. I don't know how long this cycle will last for. When the feelings are so much more intense when I am like this, to just being flat, I don't see that as a way to be living. Living in hope for the times when it will just be OK. To be flat. So, even though I can't see it, the rational person who knows that it can be better than this, to them, that light is just being ok. Being flat. Not taking much enjoyment from life.
That's pretty depressing isn't it?