I need someone to take the control. I can't anymore. My way of control is not healthy. I am either fasting or B/P. I won't let anything other than liquid stay in me. I feel paranoid about it. That somehow the solid food will do something to me. That it's a way of letting someone/something in. It makes me really paranoid.
I am paranoid anyway. I am having thoughts about cameras being in my flat. Being watched. I am unable to leave my flat as of the anxiety I get that the paranoia brings on. I am running low on cigarettes and I know I will have to venture to the shop, that is only 100metres away, soon. I am paranoid that every siren I hear is coming for me. And when I live on one of the main routes out of the city and the same road as the main hospital, that is not good. Every few minutes there is a vehicle going by on sirens. Every police car I see worries me. I think that they are coming for me and have a S135 so they can get me sectioned.
I had someone come from HTT earlier. He tried to talk me in to going to the wards that are attached to the main hospital. But I refused. He said that there is more than likely a bed coming up there later and would I go there. I said no. Before he came round I was anxious that it was going to be a team of people coming to do an assessment. After a 15 minute chat about my urges and how I was doing, he said he was going to go back to the office and make it known I need to be in asap. That I need to be top of the list for a bed.
I won't be able to B/P if I go in to hospital. This is may way of control, of self harm at the moment. I am therefore concerned how I am going to cope with going in. Could it lead to me doing other things to SH? Possibly. I already have plans in which I can. I have thought how I can smuggle things in. I need them there as a back up. I need them. It is a safety net for me. It's a back up plan for if things aren't going well.
Hospital will stop me from succeeding in killing myself. But, it could possibly make the self harm worse.
I am sick of being this person. Yes, there are times when things are ok. But, these times are more frequent, are so hard to live with. Why am I like this? What have I done. Was I a bad person in a past life? Why can't I be normal, why did I get dealt this card. I don't believe in God, I don't think. Because, I don't see what I have done to be punished like this. To be this person. And, if there is a God and it's his plan. Why? What does me being like this achieve? I have made some bad decisions in life. I have. But, really, this kind of punishment? The feelings of being like this outweigh the pros of living, the pros for when things are going well.
I am tired. I am fed up. I feel like I am being punished.