Friday, 28 February 2014

Friday 28th February.

It's nearly March. Yay. That means it's nearly spring. The clocks go forward, the nights get lighter, it gets warmer. Soon there will be leaves on the trees, bulbs shooting out the ground. I love spring.

Anyway. I just felt as though I needed to write. I needed some distraction. I need something. I am not sure what.

I had a bad day yesterday with the binging and purging. Probably consumed around 5000KCAL all day. Breakfast which was my only normal meal was brown toast, egg whites and mushrooms. Then, lunch was a bar of galaxy chocolate and the best part of a Ben and Jerry's tub of ice cream. I purged what I could of that. Then late last night I ordered take out. Chicken and chips. Wolfed it down, then went and purged. Although, not sure how much I got rid of. I am finding it harder to get it all up and am losing my gag reflex.

Not sure if I should just cut. That is what I want to do. It may stop the B/P cycle.

I know it's all about control at the moment. It is related to my MH. If that wasn't bad, I wouldn't feel the need to control this. But at the moment, I have a bit of an obsession with getting my BMI down to 18.5. It's currently at around 29.5. I have about 30kg to lose to get there. So it will take a lot of hard work. I want to be the thin one of my friends. Not the fat one. I am not the fat one anymore. But, I am not average either. Still on the larger side. I know I will never look good in a swimming costume etc as of my scars. But, I can look good fully clothed.

I kind of want to go to the gym today. But I kind of don't either. The guy I have a bit of a crush on asked me if I was ok yesterday. He noticed that something was wrong. I just said I was tired and hadn't slept the night before. He then asked me about rest days etc and I said usually at the weekend. He asked if that was all. He will be there working at the gym I want to go to today. I don't want him picking up on anything. I don't really want to see him. If I don't go I can have a fast day. And after yesterday, I think I need one. I am not sure I got rid of it all so need to un do my work. But, if I do go, that may just be as good. But, I also have to go to the effort of getting ready to go out. Not staying in my PJs all day. Not putting any make-up on.

Someone from HTT came round last night to drop off some meds. They have given me a weeks worth of zopiclone and also increased the dose of my Lamotrigine. I slept Wednesday night ok without anything and I also slept last night. Yet I still feel like this. Sleep isn't actually making any difference.

At the moment all I want to do is spend time on the internet looking at thinspo stuff, looking at best things to purge, looking at how to kill myself. Thinking how and when. How to tie myself up. How to make sure it works etc etc etc.

I should be in hospital. I know I should. But I am hanging on. I am fighting. I don't want anyone knowing I am in, so I have to wait until Monday. And, things may change by then anyway. I may not need to go in. But, in a weird twisted way. I hope that I do.

If I do, I don't have to eat. Because I won't be able to go to the gym, I can actually fast. And because no one in my team knows what I do with food etc and how it is used as a control thing, they won't get what I am doing. They will just think it's because I don't like the food there. The last couple of times I have been in I have not eaten and it's not been picked up on. It also means I can let go. I can let the feelings and urges just take over. I won't have to fight them. I know hospital isn't for that. But, I am in a safer place if I do. I am not 100% sure that I want to end my life. But the urges to do so are over whelming. I fight them all the time. If I am in that safe place, if I do do something, or try something, I will be stopped. This requires less energy. I can just give in until it all passes. Does this make sense?

I am not sure, if these are the reasons I should be using and why I see hospital as a positive. But, I need some release from all of this.

I need some escape. But is it wrong that I also want to use it as a place I can safely self harm?

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