I need some time out. Not from blogging but from mental health. And mental health services.
OK, I get a can't run away from my problems and ignoring MH services in the past has ended up with me sectioned. But, I can't see that happening being as though they told me I couldn't stay longer in hospital despite having a suicide plan that I had planned on carrying out that night.
Obviously it didn't work, otherwise I wouldn't be writing this. But, it has made me take a look at things. What do I want. Well, I don't think I want to die. I don't. I wouldn't be trying to get the three peaks in (not in one go - I am not insane, Non UK followers just google UK 3 Peaks Challenge) before I am 30 in June. To walk the West Highland Way in just over 6 weeks. To be worrying about my fitness because I haven't been to the gym in about 2 weeks. To be worrying I have put on weight and look at myself in the mirror and think "right 100 sit ups a day at least, and to be able to plank for 30seconds straight in 2 weeks (I can manage 15 at a push)". To be looking forward to going away with the girls to the US on a massive kind of coming of age holiday for us all. To be looking at going somewhere on my own in June over my birthday so I don't have to deal with people and me fitting my birthday plans in around theirs (previous post on this), to be talking to my Mum and her asking if I would like to do an American road trip with her September time, if my Dad decides to go on a photography safari.
So, looking at all of that. I have got a bloody good year planned, possibly. But, it could be an amazing year. But, despite all of this. I still have those nasty dark thoughts about life being better if I were dead? Why? How does my fucked up brain work?
I struggle to see any progress I have made. Other people say they can. They say I am a different person to how I was a year or two ago. That I am unrecognisable to the person I was. I can't see that. All I can see is how I feel. That those horrible thoughts that are so intrusive are still there. Those dark dark times where I sit planning my own suicide, having fantasies about it. And on top of this, the new thing in the last year, the hallucinations or what ever they are. The voice that shouts at me "DO IT". How can I be getting any better? How?
I had a really shitty session with G on Monday. He was having a go at me. Kind of. I saw it that way, he probably would say different. But basically he was saying why are we doing this? "You are self harming still, you fantasise about your own death, you don't use any of your coping skills, you have given up, I feel you are too fragile to be doing schema therapy and it seems as though you are not giving it your all (he wants me to write an unwritten letter to my parents about how they fucked me up - I can't do it, I don't want to place blame, and it seems so pathetic. I didn't have an awful upbringing, I wasn't abused etc etc etc, it feels like I am making something out of nothing (I need to tell him this), that when you are low I worry I will push you over the edge, when you are on an even keel I worry I will send you off on a low again. That perhaps I am not in the right place to be doing therapy etc".
So WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO? On one hand I have medical people telling me I need psychology, then on the other psychology are saying that they are not sure if they can help. Hospital won't have me. I feel as though people are giving up on me. It's honestly how I feel. And in part of that feeling makes me want to run away. To say well "fuck you then. I don't need your help anyway." But, is that me being my pessimistic self, having that side in me that takes over when I am not in a good place. That thinks that if they don't think they can help then I am fucked up big style, and I may as well give up. And there is that part in my brain, that thinks why the hell aren't you happy. You are doing some amazing things this year. Major achievements. Things that are massive for you. Today I put some size 16 (US 12) jeans on. And they fit. I haven't been a 16 in jeans since I was 16 I don't think. Yet, i still feel the same huge massive person. I remember being in year 11 and having to go to M+S to get a school skirt from the ladies section as girls clothes didn't fit me and I was wearing a size 18. So that is an achievement for me. You know what one of my main thoughts is when I look at my weight loss and how I have changed. It's my ex. That one of the reasons he ended it was because he didn't find me attractive anymore (who would I was around 19stone - now around 13stone10). I am probably smaller now than I was when I met him at 17. When he fell head over heels in love with me, told me I was the most important thing in his life, when he proposed. And I am better now then I was then. I don't think would he have me back. I think, if you could see me now. Fuck you. But that's good isn't it? Is that normal. We have been apart 4 years now. We were only together 8.5 years. So nearly half the time. Yet, he still takes up such a huge part of me. I went from adolescence in to adulthood with him. I had just turned 17 when I met him and nearly 26 when we broke up.
And I look around me now. I look at the lamp I just put together that I bought because when I sit on a particular sofa I can't see to read very well, so I bought a lamp to solve that problem. I look around at the photos, all of my nephews, friends, and my friends baby. I love them so much. I look out the window and I see signs of Spring, the blossom on the trees which has only been there the last few days. In my plant plot outside one of my Geraniums if budding and I am thinking about what flowers I can have in my two little pots that will look nice.
So, why am I so fucking obsessed with my own death. It's pretty obvious I have got good things going. I should be happy. But why am I not?
I have got so much going through my head at the moment. I want to turn off. I can't.
I told my friend earlier that I was ignoring MH services until I figured out what I wanted. I didn't want them filling my head with thoughts of what I should be doing. I want to make my own decision. i said I was considering dumping G. I wasn't sure where things were going. Basically the outline of our whatsapp was "Don't dump G, you are always saying how good he is and how lucky you are, you can talk through it". So I basically said this "I get so pissed off at times. I think when I feel like I do and have done in the past I get very pessimistic and fail to see what I have achieved. Sometimes I feel he can feed in to that and doesn't challenge me on it, so I get even more down about it. As I must be right in those feelings.He's questioning whether or not the last year has done anything. And what I have got going for me". I had never articulated it before. But that's how I feel. He needs to challenge me more. Remind me of the good times etc. The other week, he asked me what I have to live for? It was the way he said it. Not, what have you got? But in a way that was like well what have you got, I am struggling to see that too? Ok, it won't have been like that. But, I took it that way. I think I need to write down for him and go through things and say how things need to change. I know I can't go on the way things are.
I know things need to change, and at the end of the day I know I need help. So, I suppose in writing this I have answered my own question about time out and what I need. But you know what? I am so fucking stubborn. I feel like I shouldn't back down and that they should come to me and say sorry. I don't know why. Because that's pretty fucked up isn't it. Why should they. They discharged me. I am alive still. They probably know me better than I actually know myself. I didn't think I would be alive if they did. I proved them right didn't I? But that's good isn't it. But, I am stubborn. I want them to come to me and say we want to help, we want to do this, this and this.
Anyone, who reads this, if anyone does. Will think something is going on with me. Truth be told I am a little drunk. Not hammered. But because I haven't drank since New Years Eve, it only takes a couple of drinks to get me pissed. Although, my measures are quite big. But, in some weird way, having a drink last night and tonight has helped me a little. Last night it let me experience emotions. I did some dancying (tidying and dancing while singing along combined - my own made up word), then I cried at stupid things. Words in books. In particular this...
"It isn't even a scar to me, really. It's a map of where my life went wrong".
That was from Jodi Picoult's Storyteller. I read it last year and I was harrowed by it. I am reading it again, because I know I loved it and will get in to it again. It's easy. As I go along I remember parts of the story and I don't have to concentrate as much. But, I know I can escape in to it. But that quote really got me.Had me tears.Like a few things did yesterday.After I got in for the evening. It really made me feel. I didn't get wankered, but just a looser tongue. And I can't talking to myself, in my head. I suppose the sensible hat was on, Same tonight. I can't really tell them though that drinking made made have these knew thoughts.
I have become attached to G, I have been seeing him 2 years now. I have a lot of respect for him. And he knows that part of me that no one ever sees so well. Perhaps better than myself. It's probably all a big ploy and plan to get me back on board, back under their control where they know best. But then is that relinquishing control which is a baaaaad thing. But is is accepting help. I need guidance. I need someone to tell me that this week, I want you to have done this and this. I did say when there was a lull in the argument that I did feel lucky that I was being offered so much support, that he had given his time for me.
He said he still see my next week and see where things lie. He wants me to write a list tasks that lead to goals.
I am going to ask him that unless I say there is something in particular I want to discuss, that he takes control of the session, and that he he has a plan. That he says unless there is something more pressing that you want to talk about, this week we are going to do this and this. AND IF possible he can send me an email with a word document, i need to know what to expect.
I will revisit this sans rum, and take some things from it.
Thanks if anyone has got this far. Please leave comments, even if you want to offer support, to say you understand, to give advice. But to let me know you are there.