Tuesday, 4 March 2014

No Room At The Inn

As it stands at the moment there is no room at the inn; in that there are no available beds within the city. I know I am being picky, but I can't go to Out of Town hospital, I know Fingers works there, if he is still working there. And, I haven't got on there. I can see things being worse for me if I went there. The other option is the psych wards attached to the main general hospital. Last time the staff were brilliant, but the admission wasn't useful at all. Also, you can only leave the ward 3 times a day if you smoke. That is enough on its own to make me feel worse. It is also dirty and noisy there. The showers smell, they are shared between the whole ward of 20 or so people. It is not a place for me to be. Not to help get me better. It is also on that ward that I went in informally and only a few hours later was placed on a section and transferred to PICU for a number of months. It has bad memories for me.

So, I have said I will go in, but it has to be the main psychiatric hospital in my city. Last time the admission was useful. So, I am willing to go back there. Does this make me manipulative? I know what will help me, I know what will be beneficial to me. Am I right standing by what I say?

I am a mess at the moment. I struggle to get by hour by hour. I am having fantasies of hanging myself. I have spent hours on the internet looking how to do it. I am also in cycles of fasting, binging and purging it all. I haven't eaten a meal in over a week. Not that I haven't purged straight after. I haven't actually told any of my team this. I am ashamed in some ways. I don't know why. I have been swallowing things as well. Again, I have not admitted to this as they will end up sectioning me. If that were the case I would end up being carted anywhere. It would also mean that my parents, who aren't even in the country at the moment would be contacted. I need to try and deal with this on my own.

I was waiting all day for a phone call from the HTT to update me on what was happening. At 4pm, I still hadn't heard anything so I called them. I was told she would call me in the morning. She basically just told me there was nothing else they could do, they were looking for a bed and had told me I had been moved to top of the list and as soon as one became available, it would be mine.

I still want to run away from it all. But, I can't. It would make things worse wouldn't it? But facing it head on is also scary.

I feel like I need to take some control. At the moment this is through fasting, binging then purging. I don't know what else I can do. It gives me some control. One thing about it though. It does offer me some release. Some respite. It knackers me out so much, it's like taking some PRN. It calms me down. In some ways it offers a relief similar to cutting does. It's like it's getting the bad out. Taking some pressure out of the pressure cooker. Does that make sense?

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