Just not like this. It's hard. It's hard fighting every day. Deep down I know I want to live and have relationships, a career, children etc etc etc. But, sometimes, especially when I feel as low as I do I see an escape and that's what I have acted on in the past. I think, possibly it's why I haven't actually acted on anything yet. I love my friends, my family, and I wouldn't want to put them through what I have put them through before.
I need to keep on fighting it. That is why hospital is probably the best bet at the moment as I can have some help with fighting it. A place I can let go and stop fighting because I know nothing can happen there. I will be giving someone else the control. And when I am ready I can come out and take it back.
I suppose I am in a better place than I have been in the past because I can recognise that. Recognise that I need a little more input. Recognise the patterns. I know I am in trouble and I have reached out. There is only so much that I can do though. I don't need to be a martyr to the illness. I can accept help.
I won't act on anything. But, the thoughts and the urges etc are there and they are distressing. When it's something that plays in your head like a film strip on repeat, it is distressing. The whole not eating thing is just a bi-product of my mental health. It's control. It's the one thing I feel I can control at the moment. It's a form of self harm which makes the suicidal urges dampen down a little. So, if that is what it takes at the moment for me not to act on anything worse then, that is the way it's going to be.
I am hoping they can find me a bed in hospital as soon as possible. I am exhausted. I need that extra support.
I am having stupid, irrational, paranoid thoughts which are hard work. But, obviously I know they are irrational, stupid and paranoid. I know they are a problem and not real. But, it doesn't make them any less distressing. It's just another thing I have to fight.
Things can be better than this. I have read back through some old posts on here, and it makes pretty depressing reading. I think anyone who reads them will probably think I need to be sectioned etc. But, this is like a diary to me, and I only really write when I am feeling bad. I think I need to start writing more when I am in a better way as well. Because when I read back through the posts all I see is depressed me. I don't see the happy times. I don't see the times I have fun etc etc etc. Because I can at times. I have great friends. Friends who I enjoy spending time with. Who, I know care about me.
I don't want to be selfish and end my life. I don't want to fail at life. But, that doesn't stop me having those thoughts and feelings and seeing it as a release as an escape. Sometimes a release and an escape that is more preferable. I have got to try and hold on to the positives. Because if I don't I will act on impulse. I need to stop thinking in terms of pros and cons, especially when I am on a low as the cons then outweigh the pros.
My analogy of today is that I am drunk and trying to drive a car. I shouldn't be doing it. What I should do is hand someone the keys and let them drive until I am sober and am focused enough to take control. If you are drunk you can act impulsively, make mistakes and end up causing a crash making things worse. So, I am going to give someone my keys.