I think he was surprised at the turn around and the thinking I have been doing the last week.
He managed to say how I was feeling. Basically that I had felt validated by what my friend had said about her experiences at my house growing up. And that it validated what he had said. I told him how I had been feeling before about perhaps it was just me. Perhaps I have been too sensitive, perhaps, I am telling him things worse than they actually were. But when someone else picks up on it from only spending a short time in your house. It must mean that my experiences were right.
I also told him what another friend had said. I said I was messaging another friend about what the other girls had said. And she said that it had been pretty obvious I had not been brought up in a stable environment and that my brothers and I had a lot more put on us than any other children should. And that I should look up what affects growing up around DV and alcoholism has on children. I said how initially I felt very defensive thinking that's not how it was. That I had obviously given people the wrong impression of how things were etc etc etc. But, I thought about it some more. I haven't accepted that is how it was. But, I had acknowledged my feelings when other people pointed out faults.
He asked how I was feeling about having thought about all these things all week. I told him how I felt it was pushing me back and felt like I was opening a wound. That, at times, ok, not in the last few weeks, I had felt like I was making progress. But then, something like this comes up, and I feel pushed back, as it's yet another thing to work through, to deal with. It's extinguished the light at the end of the tunnel.
I think he knew what I had told the worker I spoke to the other day. One of the first things he said to me was you went home without meds. Why? So I told him I had had a teenage strop and had been pissed off and needed to run away. Hence not answering my phone. I needed to figure a few things out. That I did attempt in a way on the Monday night, but then had second thoughts after my first plan didn't work and I focused on those. Then I just needed some space to figure out what I was going to do. I was being stubborn and had a fuck you attitude, but part of me knew I was wrong. And that it had taken a couple of rums and writing for me to figure out where I was going with things and whether or not I was going to take the easy route or hard. I said I had chosen the hard route. To keep on working. And then added in jokingly that alcohol wasn't always bad.
We talked about loads today. Loads. The session flew by. I gave him a list of things that were still bothering me. So much stuff. Stuff to do with my friends and how they feel I have been the past year or so. Basically that they feel I need to be in control so much and that I am always thinking two steps ahead in the negative way and thinking all the time what negative consequences my actions could have, that I am not really me. I can't seem to let go and have fun as I am worried about what will happen if I do.
Control is a massive issue for me. Huge. Possibly the biggest. When things feel as though they are out of my control or are spiralling. That's when I get ill. That's when as he calls it surrenders to the schemas. He said that is what I have been doing the past few weeks. The increased self harm shows that. I had given in. I had. I know I had. I was just letting it all take me along for the ride. Not the best thing to do. It's weird. When things are out of control. I don't seem to do much to try and relinquish it. I want to pass everything over to someone else to take care of. Another thing that I do, or am. Is things that aren't in my control, say for instance my Mum's drinking, I want some control over it. And when I can't, that's when things collapse.
I can't even remember half the stuff we talked about today. There was so much. It was a good session though. Even if I did feel quite anxious after.
But, as he said. Tell my self it's JUST anxiety. That is all it is. I don't need to act on it. I don't need to do anything with it. Just accept that I feel anxious at the moment.
So, that's my plan for the week.
My question for things to discuss next week. Where does my thing with control fit in with the schemas. I score high in dependence, how does that fit in with me having control?