Monday, 24 March 2014


I am feeling slightly apprehensive about the session with G today. I am worried it is going to go like last weeks. That he is going to turn around and say we can't do the sessions anymore. That it is not working.

I am worried about telling him about last Monday night. It will be in my notes as I told the person I spoke to about meds about it. And, it was a kind of turning point.

Today it's a year to the day I took the massive OD that nearly killed me. That landed me in ICU in an induced coma for a week. With a ventilator breathing for me. That nearly killed me. I have enough meds in to do the same again. It's not healthy having them there. Even as a safety net. So, I have made the decision to get rid of them. I am taking them to my session with G. I will probably give them to him to give to someone to get rid of. I need them to know I am serious. If I tell them I have thrown them away they probably won't believe me as I have said that in the past and haven't done.

I went out with my friends on Saturday night. They told me a few things that I have been in denial about. Things that G has said before but I ignored. Thinking he had it wrong. That maybe, it was the way I was talking about it, that perhaps he was thinking the worst. And that he didn't really know me etc. So, I wasn't really listening to him. They also said they thought the letter was a brilliant idea. That I should write a letter never to be sent. I said I don't know where to start and it feels really disjointed. I am worried it will make things worse. They said maybe things need to get worse before they can get better and that I am not being graded on it so doesn't really matter if things don't make sense. So, I will not keep discrediting the idea. I said jokingly I needed to take them to the sessions with me as I can't get a lot of what I need to say out. One said if I wanted her to she would. I don't think I want my worlds to cross over though. Does that make sense. Although, I don't think G knows what I am really like. Who I am. My place. The outspoken one, the loud one, the one who is impulsive, funny, etc etc. I am not a wallflower and I wonder if I come across like that at times.

One of my friends who we were out with on Saturday thought I was hilarious. She said I've never seen drunk Kat. It's so funny. She has always seen the reserved, quieter side, the one who needs to have control over everything. It's funny. Because I am the drunken one of the group. Perhaps not any more being as though since Xmas I had not drank anything until this week. I am more controlled. I am worried about losing it. I don't want to risk losing control of myself. So, I don't drink that much any more. I bought a big bottle of rum with the intention of getting smashed last Monday and of hanging myself and OD etc etc etc. Basically the same things I have done in the past. After the ligature loosened and I woke up on the floor with a sore head as I smacked it when I passed out. I really thought to myself. I had a good think. I kept having thoughts creep in about lighting, about pictures. And I thought, well you are thinking all these things you need, what you want to do. So do it. This year should be an amazing one for you. You have so much going for you this year.

I want to talk a lot today. I need to get a lot out.

Anyway, need to go to post office now.


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