Tuesday, 1 April 2014

The Last Week.

I did something I shouldn't have done the other day. I picked up my Mum's phone when she wasn't in. I wanted to look at the type of messages she drunkenly sends my Dad. Only the night before she had been sending messages. I read a couple, but I had to stop. It was horrible. Really having a go at him about anything and everything. Mostly about the woman he was seeing while but also saying how my brothers and I didn't love him and really horrible things. It really bothered me. It was horrible stuff. No wonder why my Dad has been moody if he is getting messages like that. I think it happens a few nights a week.

I get my Mum moaning at me that he is in a mood and not nice to be around. No wonder, she is sending messages like that a few nights a week. Of course he's going to be in a mood. But, the because he's in a mood and difficult to be around, she again gets wound up and starts sending drunken messages again. It's so frustrating.

We all went out on Sunday for mother's day. I was constantly on edge being with both of them while they were drinking. They were getting more drunk and both saying things and acting in ways that I knew that it was going to get bitter. It really gets to me.

I saw G yesterday. I had written some things down to start thinking about this letter he wants me to write. Most of it is directed at my Mum. I explained to him I understood why my Dad had been like he has been. And why, things are like they are now. He had a shocking upbringing. He was neglected and treated like shit. It's only been the last year or so how I have learnt more about what he went through as a child. Things like being locked in the kitchen all day when he was 6 years old while his mother was out all day. Being left on his own at around 10 while she went on holiday for a week. And just general neglect. She was horrible. Also, his father never accepted him as his own. He didn't know that his Dad was his Dad until he was about 14. He was lead to believe another man was. It's horrible.

I was explaining to G that I had always discounted childhood. It had only been the last few months that I was learning to accept what happened in my childhood has impacted how I am now. But having realised that, I look at the things I do know about my Dad's and it's more forgivable for how he has been.

I find my Mum's behaviour less forgivable. I can't see any reason for it. She's just bitter. She's doing nothing for herself.

We also talked about my Nan. My friends Nanny died on Sunday. I found it quite hard as brought back memories of when she was ill and in hospital and that time she died. It was awful. I was getting these images of when she was in hospital and of running off when it all started to happen.

I said I found it quite strange that I still felt the emotions so intense about it as it was half of my life ago. This year I have been alive for longer without her than I have with. Yet, the emotions at times are so intense still. Raw, like it was at the time.

G's theory for this is that I suppress my emotions. It's something I do with all negative emotions, I don't let myself feel. So, this means that things are raw still because I have never dealt with them. It is something that I do most the time. If I start to get upset about something I distract myself, I make sure I start doing something else. One of my early memories is being embarrassed to cry in front of people. I remember being 7 and being told my Dog had died and holding back my emotions until I was alone in bed that night. Only then I would let myself cry. I see now why I was like I was. My nephews are 5 and 3. If they cry in public they belittle them. Say things like look at that baby, people are looking at that baby crying etc etc etc. From a really young age I had it drilled in to me that you didn't do crying. That people didn't see your emotions because they were something to be embarrassed of. Which is why I still won't really cry in front of other people. I force it back. I do what I can to avoid crying in front of other people.

My task for this week is to keep a thought diary. He wants me to keep track of what my predominant thoughts of the day are.

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