I was sat there incredibly anxious earlier. Thinking to myself that if, I don't feel better by a certain time after doing a certain thing then I could SH or do something else. It has been my method of getting through for a while. Usually it works. But, last night when I went to the gym it made me feel worse. I had a flood of emotions, and I was worried that the same thing would happen tonight. It seems as though while I am hammering it out, I am ok, I have some focus. But then all of a sudden those levels drop. I feel worse than I did before. Worrying that that was going to happen I called the duty worker.
The first thing I said to her was I don't want to go in to hospital. She asked me what else had helped in the past. I said I had tried all my usual distraction techniques, my relaxation methods, and I was calling as a last resort. She tried to reason with me about hospital. She said I had found it useful last time so why not try it for a few days. It doesn't have to be for long etc. But I am scared. I am scared it would be for longer. I am scared that what happened in 2011, would happen again. The way in which I feel, that if I went in, I would feel like I have failed, and thus in turn actually making me worse and lose what control I have.
Although, you may say that I hardly have any control over things at the moment. I don't really do I? I suppose it's perceived control. But, it is disordered isn't it? I mean, I am controlling what I eat. I am only eating enough so that I don't pass out at the gym. Mainly fruit and veg. My aim is to burn more than I eat each day. Today for instance I have eaten 6 weight watchers points worth of food. But, I have earned 17 in exercise. I am controlling my weight loss. I want to be thin. If I eat too much, then I purge. Or, I will binge and then purge. It obviously works, I lost 4lb last week. I need to make sure I eat enough so that I don't get malnourished again. Or that I end up passing out in the gym (that would be mortifying), or that I go in to starvation mode. I think what I am doing is ok.
The disordered thinking I have been having worries me. I am also getting paranoid. I was paranoid when I got back that someone had been in my flat as there were no lights on what so ever. I am positive I left some on. I had to put them on this morning as it was dark when I got up. I have no recollection of turning them off at any point during the day. And I hate coming back to a dark flat. So, I would have made sure that they would have been on. Also noticed that my docking station had moved from where I left it. It was knocked over. It makes me paranoid as no one has a spare key. So who could have been in? It makes me anxious, it makes me paranoid. It has my mind going round in stupid scenarios and feeling crap. So, I ended up harming by swallowing again. Not sure why. In the past swallowing has usually been to do with self punishment. Maybe, it's because I don't care at the moment. That it would be accidental in a way if anything happened wouldn't it? I suppose that is better than a planned death isn't it? I am having massive urges of hanging myself, of tying myself up. Not sure why really. That is something I usually do when I have no other methods available to me. Something that usually happens when I am in hospital and I can't cope. Deaths do occur in psychiatric patients in hospital, ok, not many, but the way I see it when I am in that kind of mess is that there is a chance. So, I will try. But, that thought is in my head at the moment. Quite intense. And again, if it did work, it would probably be seen as accidental, SH that has gone wrong.
I suppose my thinking is pretty fucked up at the moment. One good thing though is I can see it is. And I suppose being aware of that, means it's not possibly as bad as it could be right?
So anyway, HTT are coming round tomorrow at 6pm. Hopefully, they won't try and force hospital on to me. I was a bit worried the way in which G was talking on Monday. It was something a long the lines of that I need to take control and not see it as failure as someone else may end up taking the control and then I would feel even worse. I am worried that in me calling for help, I could have shot myself in the foot. That if they say I need to be in hospital and I say no, that they will try and force it on me. I was sectioned before when I didn't have active plans. They said that I had been in that position before in that I didn't have a plan, but did something and then ended up really ill. I suppose my history isn't good is it?
Maybe I will call them and tell them I am feeling ok and I don't need to see them? I am paranoid that they are going to section me. I know the guys coming tomorrow can't. But, they can put things in to motion to arrange a MHA assessment so that I could be. And to be honest, I am not sure I could pass one of those at the moment. From what I have already said they would question me on that. I can't make guarantees that I can keep myself safe. It's pretty obvious I can't. Not when I have been self harming. They know that if I cut, it ends up with me going to hospital. So, they know it's not that, they may also ask to check the wounds if I say it is to make sure I am not putting myself in more risk by not getting them cared for. They know I have been harming, but I have refused to say what. So, they will probably deduce that it is something more serious and that I am not telling them because I know they will make me go to hospital if they knew what I was doing.
They're going to section me aren't they?