Tuesday, 25 February 2014

I'm Scared

I am scared of what is happening to me. What is going through my mind. I think I possibly could do with some time in hospital, some respite, someone to look after me. But I am scared of this as well. I am scared that it wouldn't just be a few days, it would be months again. I am scared I will end up on a section, I am scared I will lose what little control I have.

But, I am scared of what is happening to me now. I am restricting what I eat again. I am eating something, fruit and as little as I possibly can so that I can go to the gym still. I have an obsession with being skinny. I am a long way off. My BMI is at 29 now. So I have a long way to go to skinny. I have joined pro ED forums and have got tips from them. I have been purging when I do eat normal food. I have stopped cooking for myself. I can't see the point. Not if I am going to go and throw it all back up. I can't be bothered either. I feel like I don't deserve it. It's a form of control for me. It's a way of having some control with what is going on in my head. I can't control what goes through my head, but I can control what goes in my body. I need to go to the gym. I do get some release when I do that. Well, usually. Yesterday, I got all emotional. No one saw. But, rather than feeling escape, after I felt overwhelmed with emotions.

I am scared of the thoughts I have going through my head. The thinking of what I have to live for. I am scared of the future if it holds anything for me. The thoughts of harming myself in worse ways than I already am doing, of ending everything. I was told what made me so ill in March last year when I nearly died. What nearly killed me. I have enough to do it now.

I want to accept help, but I am scared. I don't want to be in hospital for months. I am scared of letting people down. I don't want people knowing where I am.

I am scared I can't fight this.

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