I've not written anything in a while. I think a lot of the reason is because I keep putting it off as I felt as I had quite a lot to get off my chest.
I have had two psychology sessions since I last wrote anything. Two quite full on ones where I have struggled. In the first one I was close to tears. Well, I wasn't close I was stopping myself from crying. I don't do crying in front of people. I hate it. I know as well, if I do start crying in that situation once I start I won't stop and I will become a snotty, red mess. Not a nice look. Not when you have to go somewhere after and when you are wearing quite a lot of eye make up that will smear all over your face. G saw that I was holding the tears back. He asked why. A lot of it is because I don't want my make-up to smear, but there is the whole thing about losing control in front of people. I don't like doing it. He keeps telling me I am safe to cry etc, but I won't. I rarely cry in front of people. I rarely cry. Not at real things any way. I cry at the TV, I cry at music. I am quite emotional at things like that. But when it comes to me, I don't cry. Am I weird?
G's new theory at the moment is something to do with my childhood and how I used to act when I was a child is coming back now. When I was a kid, quite young, if my parents were screaming at each other at night and it woke me up I used to get really scared. I was really anxious. To make them stop I used to pretend I had had a nightmare so one of them would come to me, and thus, stopping the arguing. G thinks that I have an unconscious feeling now, in that there has to be something wrong with me to stop their problems and give them another focus. Personally, I think it's a load of crap. If that were the case I wouldn't hide as much from them as I do. I would be more open with them. I would talk with them about how I am feeling etc. But, I don't. I keep things to myself as I don't want other people knowing.I get where he is coming from in this, but he isn't right.
My main worries at the moment are to do with my parents. Mt Mum's not drinking didn't last. I knew it wouldn't. And things have gone back to how they were before. She is violent towards him and I am worried she will take it further and do something serious to him. I am so worried about losing one of them. I am having nightmares about it.
I've got quite a lot going on at the moment really. Things I keep trying to push aside as when I do think about them I get upset. I am avoiding them. But, it works for me. When I think about things I want to cut, I want to OD, I want to do something to myself. So, I am avoiding it. I am not even going to write everything here as I don't want to set it all off.
I was going through my Schema Therapy book last night and some of the schemas are getting worse, some that weren't even there before are now apparent. I am not sure what that means. It also appears that I have a long way to go. I have not spoke to G about it, but, I feel as though I need more of a plan with therapy, more structure. I want to know where we are going with it. I want to know what is coming next. It seems as though we are still only breaking down the schemas and not actually doing anything about them. There is so much more to get through. He mentioned doing some imagery work last week, he has also mentioned writing a letter. I don't feel as though I can do that. I am not strong enough. Also, it's something I am not sure I want to do.
I am trying to get by at the moment by avoiding everything. I am trying to not think about things. G thinks we are in a good position as everything is laid out. I don't like it. I want to deal with things one thing at a time in some order and methodically. If I think about how things are at the moment I get anxious. I am anxious a lot of the time. I can't function properly. G asked me to write a list of things I wanted to look at still. He looked at it and said a lot of them are related to anxiety. He thinks I am carrying a lot of anxiety around. I am. But I am trying to file it all away, not think about it an avoid it.
I am not seeing him this week as it is half term. I have thought about some of the things he has said and need to get out what I think, but I am not going to be able to do that for just over another week.
If I start to struggle I will call the duty worker and speak to them. Just a bit worried as last time I did that, they suggested hospital. I don't think I am at that stage at the moment. But, a bit worried that it could be in a couple of weeks. I am a bit of a mess, I have had thoughts going through my mind. It worries me. I know how things usually work with me, what pattern they follow.
But, I shall keep on going. I have a new crush at the gym. Although kind of feels like I am stalking him at the moment and bit worried. He does spin classes on a Tuesday and Thursday. And on a Wednesday and Friday he works the desk at my closest gym that I go to. I am worried he is going to think I am following him. I am going to have to slip in how the one he works at on the desk is my most local one and is easiest for me to get there. Anyway, he is not available. I'd never have a chance anyway, he is a fitness instructor, they usually go for the size 8 super fit types etc. I'll never be that. But, it's a weird thing. It's like not knowing if he is available or not makes it more exciting. Now I know he isn't, it's dull, and I've gone off him. It's stupid isn't it!
Anyway, time for a shower.