Monday, 24 February 2014

What Have You Got To Live For?

That was the question G asked me today in Psychology session. I was stumped. And it made me feel worse. It really shocked me that I couldn't think of anything. I felt lost.

I made him anxious. He said so. He said he was concerned. He tried to talk me in to admission. I said no. The main reason. My Mum. Because, with the way she has been towards me recently when she has had a drink, I am afraid it would make it worse. She would make it seem as though I am being selfish. She would make it seem as though I was doing it for attention.

I said to G that I wouldn't go in as I see it as giving up. He said that isn't the case. I said for me it was. I need to carry on fighting. I don't want people knowing. I did say I thought I probably do need to be in, and last time it helped. But I am not going in now. I am scared too. Even though the last 4 admissions have been voluntary, I can't help but remember the time I went in voluntary, ended up sectioned the next day and was in PICU for 8 months. On high observations. In an awful place. I can't risk that. So, I will carry on fighting.

He said he could see history repeating. He could see the same patterns emerging. But, I still am getting some joy. I am going to the gym. I do enjoy that, and spin classes. I can lose myself in it. If only for an hour. I lose myself. It's a distraction. I don't think he believed me when I said it was something I enjoyed.

He asked me about self harm. I didn't tell him what, but I said I had been.

I'm worried now. I think he thinks I should be in hospital. I can't be. I don't want to be. I am worried he will do something. I am worried he is going to take it further. I am half expecting a phone call from someone in the team asking me to go in and speak to them. But, at the same time. I don't think he would. I don't think so anyway. I hope not.

I told him how I felt like a burden on my friends. That I hadn't seen them in a while as there were a couple I was pissed off with and one is away and the other is going away this week. So, I haven't seen anyone. And now I haven't got access to a car it will be harder to. One of my friend's is kind of getting it all from me at the moment. I need to rein it in a bit. I can't let myself be a burden to her.

I managed to restrain myself from crying. He noticed again. What is his obsession with me crying? I don't do crying in front of people. And, I had make-up on and I have seen myself in the mirror after I have been crying. Not a pretty sight. And, I don't like people seeing me lose control. So, I do all I can to avoid crying in front of other people.

So, I am feeling awful. I have gym and spin to look forward to tonight. That will give me some escape time. But, then I have another 24 hours to get through before being able to go again. There is only so much time you can spend there. It is my escape at the moment. I need to make sure I go. I need to control stuff. I need to lose myself in something. That works for me at the moment.

I am not sure how much longer I can keep fighting though.

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