"I need some respite from it all".
"Well come in to hospital then".
"No, I can't".
"Well, we'll speak to your as useful as a chocolate tea pot doctor tomorrow and see what he suggests. We'll get you some sleeping pills, but if you feel as though you are not in control and it's spiralling, you have been SH, you can't make any guarantees blah blah blah, you are not leaving us with much choice. You have a history etc etc etc. We know it's very intense for you etc etc etc. Will you call if you need anything".
"Possibly, but not after 9pm. I'm never doing that again".
"Well, for now, we will get you some sleeping pills, get through the next few days, keep in contact with you".
"Fine, I want to try and manage at home, but I will reevaluate things at the weekend, if I am still in a bad way and feel like this then I will come in".
"Ok, great, that's a plan then".
That was pretty much a shortened version of it. I explained to them how I was feeling. How I felt about the whole services thing and being open to them. They said that well obviously there is something in you that wants to fight as you wouldn't be seeing us. I reminded him of the time that when I said I didn't want their input and he called the police. How he was there at the MHA assessment when I was sectioned when I said I didn't want input any more. So, in them being there. I didn't have a choice as that is what happens. He said well, yes, that is what will happen. So basically, I don't have any choice then do I?
I don't find them that useful. They are the home treatment team and were trying to talk me in to going in. I was thinking, no, you do your jobs, you are HOME treatment team.
I said that being in would help me at the moment. But I wasn't willing to at the moment. I needed to try and fight it. But, if things are still the same in a few days I would reconsider.
And that is it really.
I know things are not good for me at the moment. What normal person spends hours on the internet researching methods. Researching how many of the particular pill you have is a fatal amount. Who, to get some sense of control works out hard, but hardly eats anything. That in some ways sees hospital as a way of controlling even more because I won't be able to work out, and so that means I don't have to eat anything at all.
It's all pretty fucked up at the moment. Isn't it?