I have pretty much spent the last 2 days in tears.
The things that are going off in my life at the moment have kind of reared their ugly head. Things have become too much for me to handle. I have probably over reacted to a couple of things. But, keeping in what I have felt and avoided for the past I don't know how long has kind of come out in these couple of incidents.
I am pissed off. I am hurt. I am upset. I am sick of being considerate to other people and other people's feelings when mine are not considered in return. I am sick of people taking the piss. I am sick of people.
All of this has lead to more feelings of wanting to self harm. Of wanting to OD. Of wishing I was dead. I am sick of feeling like this. It happens too often. I have these feelings all too often. I am sick of the people in my life letting me down. What does that say about me? Why are people not bothered about me? Is it something I have done? Is it something to do with me as a person? Am I such an awful person that no one wants to consider me? No one gives me a second thought?
I have been feeling really shit the past couple of weeks anyway. I have been struggling with urges etc. I thought perhaps I could start planning my birthday as it is my 30th birthday coming up. I planned to have a party. A couple of weeks back one of my close friends had told me she had booked tickets for a gig that night. No consideration. Not sorry, nothing about not going. It's a big birthday. She knew I was planning something. I voiced my pissed offness about it to another friend and she said she would guilt trip her in to not going and to sell the tickets as it was only fair when this year we are putting a lot in to her. She is getting married so there is a massive hen weekend about 5 hours away so I can't go just for the night (something I really don't want to go to), and of course the wedding where we are expected to pay £100 for a hotel room, on top of the drinks, travel, new clothes, gift etc etc etc. So you would think that she would want to offer something in return. But no!
Then yesterday I see another of my supposedly closest friends has booked to go away with her work friends the weekend of my planned birthday. So I messaged my other friend and said to her about it and she said that another friend had also contacted her saying she was going away on holiday as well that weekend. I am hurt. I know it sounds childish and stupid. But I was in tears about it yesterday. Most of yesterday. The only thing that managed to stop me was hammering it out in the gym.
I am sick of being considerate to other people when I am wanting to book or do things. Thinking it's such and such's birthday then so they may want to do something that weekend, so I either can't do it, or do it another less convenient weekend. I am sick of always being the one to make contact with people. To arrange people. To ferry people around in the car (that won't be happening any longer, more on that in a bit). But I am always the one to make contact with people. No one seems to give a fuck about me. No one cares about my needs. No one considers them. It seems as though people only want to be around me when I am well as well. I only had 4 friends come and see me in hospital when I was in so long. No one else even contacted me. Now, one of those 4 has moved to Australia, another now has a baby and so is limited to when we can see each other. And out of the 2 that are left, one I am still really close to. And the other has faded in to the background and is one of the ones who booked a trip with work people over my birthday. Someone who has known her 20 years nearly. Someone who would be classed as a best friend. Not any more. I am shown such little consideration.
Well, I give up. I can't be bothered any more. So I have decided to not bother having a party now. To not even bother celebrating with them being as though there would be no one around to come. It's hardly a party with 3 people is it? Because basically I know if one person doesn't come it would mean another doesn't make the effort to. I am sick of having people like this in my life. I give up. I am hurt by it all.
I know, I am probably over reacting to this. But, it's something that has been building for a while. Every year when it comes to organising anything for my birthday I get stressed. I hate how people always let me down. So, I am not going to bother. I am not putting myself through stress for people to mess me around and cause me stress. I don't need it in my life.
And then we have the tears today. My Mum. More specifically my Mum and her drinking. I was the reciprocent of her drunken snotty messages this morning. Well, middle of the night. I basically got 3 messages having a go at me about having her car. She had asked me if we could go to Ikea today. I assumed she wanted to go together so I sent her a message last night saying I was at physiotherapy today at 14.30 so could we go early. Her reply at nearly 2am basically saying forget it. Then another having a go at me, and then another having a go at me saying she wanted the car back. I was pissed off. I actually started crying as soon as I read them because I was so angry. I had only been awake minutes and was still in bed. So I angrily replied, that of course she could have it if she wasn't too fucking pissed to drive it. I left it at that. Almost straight back she sends a message correcting my grammar in the message and then more abuse. This is at 06.30am. She was still obviously pissed. So I ignored it. Got in the car and drove it round there and just left it in the drive. I am so pissed off. Most normal people would say a bit more politely than that, most people would not get snotty. I assumed she wanted us to go together so was saying when I could go, not that she couldn't have the car as I would have taken it around there and got buses. But fuck it. She can have it back. She can drive to her hearts content. She will get pulled over for drink driving eventually. There is no way after the amount she consumes at night that she is under the legal limit to drive the next day. Every time I have been over recently when I have been over in the morning it is obvious she was pissed the night before. Or my Dad has mentioned she was pissed and a mess, or that he was getting abusive text messages in the middle of the night. I am sick of it. If he won't do anything about it. I will. I am going to tell my Dad as well that if she is going to drink in Scotland I don't want her coming as I don't want to share a room with her. I don't want to be around her if she is drinking.
I am sick of her empty promises. I am sick of her making out that things are going to change and they don't. I told my Dad to leave her. I told him if it was me I wouldn't put up with drunken abuse from her, the violence. I think he blames himself as it's to do with how he was with another woman when they broke up. She spent most of her savings on moving out, taking out a years lease on a house, and she was the one who left him. Of course he thinks they are broken up. In my eyes he didn't do anything wrong. Except his choice in woman. Yes, I would be upset if I was in her position. But if she couldn't get past it, why get back together with him? I am really worried about him. I am worried that she is going to hurt him. I am worried for him.
Of course there is worry about what the alcohol is doing to her as well. But I moved out to escape all of this. I don't appreciate drunken abusive messages in the middle of the night.
I can't deal with it at the moment. I really can't. I need an escape. I need some release from these feelings. I need to cut. But, the only release I have at the moment from this is the gym and spin. And I worry if I cut, I won't be able to go. I don't have anyone at the moment. Out of my closest friends I would talk to about this; one is in Ireland and the other is about to go away for 3 weeks to India, so she doesn't have any time before she goes. I feel on my own. I don't really want to call crisis team as it seems so trivial. My emotions seem a huge over reaction to what has actually happened. I've pretty much been crying since 7am this morning. It's just gone 3 now. I look a state. I want to go to the gym, but I can't stop crying long enough for my face to go down. Especially as I know most the people who go to spin now, and it's the guy I really fancy doing it tonight. I need to take some paracetamol and get rid of this crying head ache. I took a diazepam at 8am this morning as I was so wound up and the urges were so intense.
I feel as though I have lots of little things going on at the moment and anything that does happen is getting a massive over reaction because I am avoiding dealing with the other stuff that is going on.
I need knocking out. I can't drink as I know I will end up cutting or worse, and it makes me put on weight. And I don't have any more pills that I can find. I have a doctors appointment at 8 tomorrow morning so I can't take any meds to knock me out.
I am over reacting aren't I?