Wednesday, 18 December 2013

Arguing With Myself.

A few times over the last couple of weeks I have had internal arguments with myself. All to do with cutting.

I get a massive urge and I picture cutting and imagine the feelings that will come if I do. And I decide that when I get home I am going to cut.

Then the arguments start.

I tell myself that it doesn't matter, no one needs to know, I will go over an old scar so that it doesn't make a new scar, if I do it on my calf it won't affect my mobility and I will be able to continue to go to the gym. It won't be painful to walk on. And I don't need to tell anyone. No one needs to know.

Then, another voice pops up saying if you cut tonight you will have to go to the local hospital. You will have to wait hours, you will possibly be treated like crap, it could start a spiral and ending up with the self harm being worse than cutting. The swallowing would start, as that is more of a punishment, it could possibly lead to life endangering behaviours. I could end up back at the beginning.

Then, I tell myself that that's ok, it will just be one cut, it won't matter. I will wait until the next day and lie about when I cut and go to the local walk in centre as they do stitches there.

But then I get, well, it will get infected, you may end up having to take a course of antibiotics which you hate taking and can make you ill. You will get the cutting guilt and feel terrible the next day. You will get blood all over your covers as it won't be closed so even if covered, it is still likely to leak.

In the end, I decided not to. Last night I had had a drink and I wasn't going to let the drink be a factor in it. If I am going to cut, it will be a sober decision. Not an impulsive drunken one.

So, I managed it that way. Although writing about it has started off the internal argument all over again and the urge is quite strong.

No comments: