I don't know what to make of things.
The session with G didn't go great. I told him how I was feeling and how I was so sick of going round in the same cycle. How I would feel bad, the urges would come in thick and fast, I would then start self harming again, the self harming gets more serious, I start to think how if I was dead I wouldn't have to put up with all of this, I start thinking of ways in which I could try and kill myself, I plan. Currently I am somewhere between ways and planning.
I said how my way of thinking about very nearly dying in April has changed. I did come round to the idea that it was a good thing I pulled through and how I came so close scared me. But now I am thinking that I was close and with a little tweaking I could make it work.
So he asked me why I came to appointments. I said that it felt good to talk to someone about it who didn't flap when I tell them I am self harming and am having suicidal thoughts. That I hate being like this, and that I would like to have another way out rather than killing myself as that is the way it is heading.
I don't know how we got around to it but we started talking about how if I want something I go after it and get it. I am quite a determined person. He asked me what type of things so I said things like a job that I wanted, a promotion, getting through my A-levels in to uni and then getting on to the MA. I won't back down until I get what I want. So he asked me what about the self harm. As if I wanted to stop, why haven't I? I was a bit stumped really. What do I say to that? But then he answered for me. He said because it's a negative. In that I don't have any physical gain from it. I suppose he was right.
He said he isn't really sure why we are meeting any more as I don't seem to be getting anywhere. From what I have said there has not been any improvements, things are still the same. He said he doesn't know how he can help me and he is not sure what he is doing. He was not sure if we should continue to work together any more as perhaps it's not working. He said that he knows I avoid a lot of things and that perhaps I am avoiding saying how I feel about things and I don't want the confrontation/awkward conversation to say how I feel and that I am just going a long with it because I feel I have to. I said that if I didn't feel I was getting anything from it I wouldn't come every week. I would cancel appointments here there and everywhere and not bother. But I have never done that. I have attended all but one appointment and that was when I was in ICU unconscious. I can't pin point exactly what I get from it, but I must be getting something to still go to the appointments.
So how was I feeling? I was actually quite pissed off. I don't think I showed it, maybe I should have said though. People have told me for so long that therapy is what I need to do. I need to be honest and engage. So I have been. I have said I will do what they want me to do, and I have. All this time people have been saying this is what you need, this is what you need to do and now the psychologist is saying that perhaps it isn't working and perhaps we should not continue to work together any more. So what will help me? What would work?
I asked him that and he said he wasn't sure. He said I needed to work on acceptance as he thinks that me coming to the understanding of what recovery means could be a factor in why things are like they are now. I agreed with this as for me it's not good enough. I did get a bit annoyed and asked if this isn't helping what would? I need to work on acceptance before I can move forward. So how do I do that? He said that it's a very personal thing and everyone is different. That was helpful!
He says he has an idea of what would work but I have said I wouldn't do it. I don't know what he meant by this and I should have asked him what he meant. For so long they told me I need to do DBT and yes, I was against it. For many reasons that I won't go in to again. But eventually they wore me down and I said I would give it a go. So I had to have this assessment for it and then they turned round and said actually no, we don't think you would be suitable for it, it wouldn't meet your needs. Well I could have told them that. But, I decided I would be open to it.
I have kept trying and coming back to Mindfulness. That I can't get on with. They do keep saying how they want me to do it as it will mean that I can become more accepting of the thoughts etc. I have written it off completely in the past, but I have looked in to doing a course on it but it's full and I am unlikely to get on to it. But, yeah, if i could do it, I'll give it another go.
I honestly feel as if I am untreatable and that they are going to give up on me. On one hand I have them saying that medication is not the answer that they have assessed my notes and it seems as though that most of them at first have worked but have not been sustainable, the one I am on now seems to be having the best affect on me. In that the period I was ok, was the best I have been in years. So they are not going to change that. That it is the therapy I need. And then I have G saying he doesn't think it's working and perhaps we should consider stopping. So, this is it. This is how things will always be. Things are not going to get better. I am sure I shouldn't come out of a therapy session and be having really strong suicidal urges. Surly, it should be making me feel better.
So a couple of hours after the psychology session I had a meeting with Dr T. I was dreading going as it usually makes me feel so angry and worse. But, while it didn't make me feel better, it didn't make me feel worse.
I told him how I was feeling and that the thoughts and behaviours were back. I didn't mention anything of today's psychology session as I don't really like talking to one about the other as it all goes in my notes and I don't want to be seen as playing them off against each other or being manipulative. Having a diagnosis of PD traits I am aware that people can see you as being manipulative. "Oh, they've got PD traits, they must be a manipulative person". I'm not in the slightest. When I was at the first PICU, the one I didn't get on at I was told I was being manipulative and was trying to play staff off against each other. It really upset me as I wasn't and hated that this person thought that of me. Well, I actually hated this person, he is the one I put a complaint in against which basically I won. Anyway, the diagnosis and the way people perceive me is a massive thing for me so I am really conscious of what I do so I am not perceived in a bad light. I got access to my notes after a while of being in hospital while I was on the second PICU and I was quite upset about it. I asked a couple of people if they had that opinion of me and they said far from it. I have mentioned it to G before and he has said not either. But, I wonder how much they are telling me what I want to hear. Not sure if they would do that though?
Yeah, anyway, I didn't tell him about what was said today. All Dr T was going on about were how important my sessions with G were, how beneficial they have been to me and that he could see that since April until recently I have been my best and that I should be happy as I have made progress. He was going on and on about it.
So on one hand I have G saying he doesn't think it's working and then the other Dr T saying it's what I need. I think they need to get together.
I am wondering though if G is saying these things to rail me. To make me see ways in which it has worked. To basically make me get a fuck you attitude. Reverse psychology in a way. But then, maybe he's just had enough of me. I've been working with him now coming up to 2 years. I'd have had enough of me. I have had enough of me. But he has seen a lot from me. We will be getting somewhere then I do get all negative again and can't see the positives. I forget what work and what good I have done. He does annoy me at times. The way in which he asks why I haven't done something. He will ask me why I haven't self harmed, or why I haven't killed my self yet. I know it isn't, but there is part of me that thinks when he asks that he is thinking "what the fuck, just kill yourself already". Save him from an hour of me each week.
I am not seeing G now for 2 weeks. But, I think I need to tell him how I feel about this and ask him where we are going and tell him I do want to continue to see him and I need his help. I think when I feel like this it is hard to see any positives. You get swallowed by the negatives and that is all you can see. I don't think I explained that to him.
I have given in and booked a GP appointment to discuss my sleep and get some sleeping pills. I have averaged less than 4 hours a night for the last week. It was one of the things that was discussed today. It is really getting to me now. At first I wasn't getting worked up by it as I knew I could function. But as time has gone on it has got worse and I can't really function properly. I can't concentrate on anything and I feel so horrible. So, a trip to the GP it is. I can ask her about my chest (think I have asthma) and my wrist (think it's arthritis) while I am there. I hate going to the doctor so when I do I go with a whole host of different problems.
This has gotten quite long and I have been writing it on and off over about 4 hours.