I've had a bit of insight as to why I possibly may swallow things.
Tonight I have eaten crap. I have basically binged on crap and feel very sick. I do recognise now, that in myself that, that in itself is a form of self harm for me. But, after, I was aware of this feeling that I needed to punish myself for doing it. It stuck with me for a while.
So I swallowed.
I don't know if it is always like that. If that's always the reason. But it was tonight. It's not like I want it to do anything to me. I do worry after. But then if I did it would be like a punishment.
I am following a fat club plan at the moment. So far with diet and exercise I have lost 14kg. That's around 2.5 stone or in lbs, 35lb. To get my BMI to within a normal range I need to lose about another 18kg. So I am not even half way yet. But, to be honest I would be happy being a UK size 14. I'm about an 18 on bottom and 16 on top now. I'm 5'8. Or 172cm. So I think to get there I would need to lose another 2 stone.
I've never spoke to anyone before about how my weight bothers me and how it makes me feel. I don't know why. I think it comes down to the psychologist being a bloke.
I need to get back on it tomorrow. I need to make sure I have a week of no alcohol, no going over on points and lots of exercise. Not like this last week has been.
Anyway, just wanted to write about that little bit of insight I have had.