Tuesday, 1 October 2013

I Can't Be Honest.

I told G (the psychologist) I'm really not coping. He seems to think I am. The reason being...all I have done is some blood letting. I'm a joke aren't I? How can therapy sessions be of any use when I can't be honest about what I have been doing and how often. If I told him I had been swallowing things he would contact my CPN and they would make me go to the hospital to make sure everything was ok and if I don't they would inform my parents that I had swallowed something. My theory though is that if there is no pain, there is no problem. They wouldn't do anything unless there was any pain so why bother going to the hospital and waiting a few hours to be told come back if you get any problems.

So, do I find way in getting round this. Do I tell him I have been doing worse things and if anything develops then I will seek help but until it does I won't. It's not as though it's going to kill me instantly. That one time it did do something it came on gradually. It's not like it would hit me all of a sudden and I wouldn't be able to do anything. Yes, possibly that would happen with an OD of many pills. I could pass out without warning with those. But with swallowing something I would be ok.

Swallowing stuff really isn't a big deal. I don't see why they make it out to be.

G wanted me to talk him through the blood letting today. I said I couldn't do it. I couldn't talk about the process of self harming as talking about it makes me think about it more and me want to do it. Like writing about it now even is quite triggering for me. He said I needed to be able to talk about it as I needed to not reinforce the urge and the thoughts. But I couldn't do it.

I was in a bit of a mess today. He said he thought I seemed quite hostile and he wasn't sure if it was aimed at him or if I was just being like it in general. That's when I got all tearful and sniffly. I said how knackered I was and that I couldn't cope with what was going on. The feelings were really grinding me down and I couldn't hope. At one point he asked me if I wanted to be in hospital. That was obviously a no. Do I need to be? I don't think so. Not sure how much of it is the not wanting to be that is over riding my rational thought. I don't actually know. What worries me is how in the past I have been quite irrational that my not wanting to so much has made it hard to see the need. I can see that, so, I think that I don't need to be as I have enough rational thought in me to say that. Does that make sense? I think back to how I was in 2011 and I feel the same about hospital.

I need to tell him don't I? I need to be honest. But I can't. I don't know how to go about it without them making me go to the hospital or without them telling my parents. But at the same time, it's not going to help me is it, not being honest. How can they help me if they think I am coping?

He asked how often I had been blood letting. So I tell him a few times. But what I meant was a few times I have swallowed something. He starts saying how he was worried that I wouldn't be able to cope after the decision with uni and he is happy that I am as I have not done anything serious. He does ask me if I have cut or swallowed anything. So I say how I don't want any more scars. He said well that covers the cutting but not the swallowing. So I just say I don't know. They think I am doing well. I'm not. But I don't know how I can go about telling them I'm not.

I don't know if it is just the problems with the neighbours why I feel like this. I need to relax and I can't. I need to sleep and I can't. I know it affects me if I don't get to be able to do this. But I think what is going on at the moment is a combination of things. When I saw my CPN the other week the problems with the neighbours weren't really that bad, yet I was still struggling and I was self harming then too. I lied about it and said I wasn't. But I was.

I suppose I can't really expect anyone to help me if I won't even help myself by being honest.

Any advice on how I could go about this would be great.

I've had the same lines from a song going through my head all day.

"And so I wake up in the morning 
Just like every other day and 
Just like every boring blues song 
I get swallowed by the pain."

Kind of how I feel really.

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