Thursday, 17 October 2013

Friday 17th October

I went to my GP and I got some sleeping pills to last me a week. Hopefully that will help me get some sleep and feel rested. I can then tackle how I am feeling. I am hoping that a few decent nights sleep will get me feeling quite a bit better.

Last night I lay in bed hours before managing to get to sleep and all that was going through my mind was how I could kill myself and make it look like an accident. All these things going through my mind such as falling from a height, getting hit by a car, getting stabbed or something. Just all these things going round and round in my head.

I told my GP that the thoughts had returned and I was feeling quite shit in myself. She said she was going to contact my CPN and speak to her about it. I said there wasn't much point as they knew what was going on for me and there wasn't a lot that they could do. She said about increasing my medication and I said I had seen the doctor on Tuesday and he said he wasn't going to do that. What gets me though is they are currently doing a study looking in to the effects on people with BPD and traits such as myself. I was reading a bit about this and it says up to 300mg of Lamotrigine can be prescribed. 400mg where the person is taking the contraceptive pill. I am. Apparently the CP reduces the effects of the lamotrigine. I am only on 50mg. So basically I may as well only be taking a sweetener tablet as it's not going to be doing anything. I may as well just stop taking it.

I really feel like telling the lot of them to fuck off. But I don't know how much of that is to do with how I am feeling right now and if I am not looking at it in the right way. If I am being too hasty and not making a decision with my head. I can't help but think part of my thinking is how it was back in 2011 when I told them I would not engage and I didn't want anything to do with them, this ended up with me getting sectioned. Not the best move. So I am scared that if I do tell them all to leave me alone that it is going to head down that path again. So, I feel as though I am being forced in to it.

I was supposed to speak with my CPN today but I missed her calls. I tried calling her back but I think she must now be out of the office. I suppose she will call me tomorrow.

I don't know what to do really. I am worried about the weekend and how it's going to be for me. I know I can't do anything tonight as I have said I will look after my nephew all day tomorrow. He's helping me keep my mind occupied and I would never do anything while either of them are around. So I know I won't do anything tonight. But come tomorrow evening until Tuesday I am not expected to be anywhere or see anyone. I have tried to organise things with people so I feel as though I have some commitment and so that people expect to see me and they would know something was wrong if I just didn't show. But no one is available. Maybe I should ask for a crisis team visit?

Anyway, I am just moaning now, like usual.


werehorse said...

I can read your blog again now! 50mg lamotrigine is tiny dose - I'm on 100mg and even that is v low. And I've found it *really* helpful for depression. Will doc not increase it all? I'm sorry things are so difficult again. Does the weather/lack of light affect you? I'm thinking of getting a lightbox because I often get low in Jan/Feb

Golden Psych said...

I'm not sure. I am thinking it is a possibility as I was feeling better over the summer and it seemed to have kicked in again once it started to get more miserable. I've not noticed it in the past though and when I first had the first major break down back in 2011 that was in July/August time, so it's possibly just a coincidence.