Friday, 18 October 2013

CPN Called

She called as soon as I posted the last blog post. I told her how much I was struggling and that the self harm was happening on pretty much a daily basis, sometimes  more than once a a day.

She asked me if I had a plan or if I had thought about how I would end it. I said I couldn't talk about it at the moment and she asked if it was because my nephew was there or because I didn't want to. I said it was both. I have never told them what my plans are or what my thoughts are when it comes to thinking about it. I just said it is going round and round in my head and I am struggling to escape it.

I said I was worried that the weekend was going to be bad for me as I couldn't arrange to see anyone as everyone was busy and that I didn't have any money at all spare so I can't even go to the local coffee shop and sit with a book. I can't even afford bus fare so I can't go anywhere really. I have little petrol left in my car but I really need to make that last.

She said I am doing all I can at the moment and I am dealing with it so well compared to how I have done in the past. I said it's all well and good being told that but when I still feel the same I wonder why I should keep making the effort to continue to do things when it is actually going anything. She said we didn't know that, that if I wasn't doing these things I may not have held on for as long as I have and I could be in hospital right now. Is that a chance I am willing to take. At the moment no. I don't want to be in hospital and it can make things worse for me.

This is the longest I have spent out of hospital since August 2011. But if things continue the way they are I will either be dead or back in there. That's not what I want, well to end up back in there. The dead thing. Well, I am not actually to sure about that. I see it as a better thing than being how I am now. But perhaps there is still some being not sure. While I have that not sure I will not do anything. But, it doesn't stop me planning for when it does get to that stage.

Took a sleeping pill last night and it did make me sleep better. But, I am not feeling the slightest bit better. But it was one night, maybe I need more.

She asked me if crisis team should be involved and I said that at the moment that that would probably be a good idea. I asked if they would be able to visit on Sunday. She said she would ask them. She said they would be calling me Saturday to see how I am and arrange a time to visit if I still wanted it.

I told her I was pissed off with uni and how I felt hard done by on certain things. I feel as though I have been treated differently to some body else who has been in a similar position and was in hospital. She said here I was needing crisis support at the moment and having all these thoughts, how do I think I would have been if I was at uni? Would this crisis have happened? I don't know. I am not totally sure what has brought it on. Perhaps some of it is not being able to go back to uni, perhaps some of it is the cold dark weather, the not sleeping. I don't know. It could be, it could be all or some.It could be none. I am never sure what brings things on, if anything brings it on. I said to her I know uni had made the right decision, I wasn't ready to go back. But only I knew that really. All the evidence they had pointed towards being able to go back, especially with the report from G. It would have been 10 months of being stable before starting placement, and they were saying that this was not long enough. It pisses me off. Even if I am in no position to be doing the course at the moment, they don't know that. As far as they are aware I have been fine since April, but no, this is not long enough for me.

I'm going to call her back today. I want to question why I am on such a low dose of this medication when it can be given up to 400mg for people with similar disorders. If the contraceptive pill makes the medication less effective then surly I should be on a higher dose?

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