For the first time ever I am thinking about cancelling the psychology session on Tuesday. I don't really want to go. After last time I came away feeling worse and pissed off. I have been thinking maybe I just need some time away from it. I have had a weeks break as he was off and I was away for a few days. But maybe I need more time to re evaluate things.
I reckon part of not wanting to go was because I was pissed off at him and he made me feel bad. I was venting and ranting on about how shit I was feeling and how I was struggling to cope and he came out with how perhaps it wasn't working for me anymore and maybe we were wasting our time. I got the feeling he was pissed off at me and had had enough. I do feel better since that appointment and looking back I needed him to tell me how I had done well and things had changed for me and that perhaps while I was feeling so bad it was hard to be objective and have a positive view point. I can see that now. But at the time it was hard to see that. It is hard to see how things have changed when you feel shit as all you can see is how you feel. Not what is different as at the end of the day you still feel shit and are still having the really destructive thoughts.
I know he is not a mind reader, and at the time I didn't even know that was what I needed. I must be a really frustrating person to work with. I frustrate myself with my own thinking patterns and the thoughts that go through my head. So, I am bound to be doing it to someone else. And to be honest, if I am I don't want to be seeing them as I don't want to feel as though whenever I rant and vent I am pissing that other person off. So what do I do? Keep quiet and not say how I am really feeling and what thoughts have been going through my mind to avoid that feeling that people are pissed off with me. Or keep going as I am? I don't think I can win either way so perhaps maybe I shouldn't be going anymore.
I don't know what to do.
So yeah, I have been feeling better these last few days. I did something which was a massive achievement for me the other day. Something that a few months ago I would have never have been able to do. I would have probably had a heart attack trying. And to actually do it showed me that I have achieved something over the past few months and that things can get better with that. I was quite emotional at having done it as well. And it's made me want to do more of the same. It's given me a good feeling.
I have also booked a big trip with the girls for next year so it is something to look forward to. Which helps a lot as well. It gives me a focus and a reason for not letting things spiral out of control. I think before that was an unconscious thought that was that there wasn't much point, I had nothing to look forward to, nothing was going right for me and I had nothing in general. I have changed that.
Don't get me wrong, there are still the massive urges to SH. But I haven't in about a week now. The suicidal thoughts still come in but I am managing to dull them. And I think that the hallucinations I was having were possibly due to lack of sleep. That has improved loads since I had Zopiclone and have managed to get in to more of a routine with it. It's little things that have changed. I also realised I hadn't taken my medication in over 2 weeks. So maybe the pathetic low dose I am on of that is having some affect.
My team are all getting together next week to discuss me again. My CPN wants me to go but I have said no. I am seeing her on Friday so I am sure she will fill me in on what has gone off in it.
So, I have the decision to make whether or not I should go on Tuesday and whether or not I should continue with the psychologist. What should I do?