We mainly talked about sleep today. He had me do this questionnaire which looked at my problems and it came out that I have a severe sleep problem at the moment. Which could be the reason why I am having a hard time at the moment controlling the urges and then acting on them. Sleep is very important to me and can have a huge affect on the way in which I am. But me not sleeping properly can also be an indication that something is wrong. I want to avoid pills as I hate the way they make me feel the next day. I have a hang over on them which means I get lazy and then eat crap/ This then makes me feel bad as I have been lazy and eaten crap, and feel like I have failed at my healthy diet/living plan. So, I really want to avoid taking pills.
I'm trying not to let the sleep thing get to me. I know I can function without it so it's just the boredom that gets me. G said if I am not able to drop off within about 15 minutes I should get up. But, it's warm in bed. I'm not stressing while I am lying there so I think I must be getting some benefit of the quiet time. In the past I have got quite frustrated when I can't sleep. But, I ensure that I try not to get wound up by it. I suppose if I was working or at uni it would be different, but at the moment I don't have any commitments and so it doesn't really matter if I am tired and can't function as well the next day. Although saying that it is having some affect on me. I have very nearly had a couple of accidents while driving in the last week. Things I have never done before and really shook me up. I nearly pulled in front of a van that I didn't see until the last second but was only inches away from hitting it. And then the other day I ended up wandering lanes on a round about and nearly ended up with someone hitting me as I cut them up. I'm usually a good driver. I've never had an accident and I am usually on the ball. But I have struggled to concentrate on it. It's not just driving, it's things like reading, watching TV etc. I am struggling to follow anything as I don't have the concentration. So not sure what to do really.
We then moved on to self harm. He asked me if I had done anything and I had said just blood letting. So we got talking about what the SH does for me. I then went on to say how there was part of me that didn't see the cutting, blood letting, swallowing as a problem. He stopped me and said that they way that I had said that would indicate it would be something I had been doing. So I basically said I am always going to say it's something I haven't done as of what will have to be done if I admit to doing it. He said that he was going to take that as an admission that I had been doing it. So, I'll probably be getting a phone call from my CPN tomorrow telling me how I need to go to the hospital etc etc etc.
He said that if I didn't see it as a problem why do I continue to see him and what can he do for me. I said while I didn't see it as a problem, there was part of me that knew it was and knew that I shouldn't be doing it and that it will probably make me worse in the long time. I said how I didn't want to live like this. Yeah, fair enough I know now that things will probably get better, but at the same time I know I will be back here again. I don't know how long I will be here for and I am doing everything they tell me to do and have told me to do in the past, like making sure I see friends, going out, being healthy, exercise etc etc etc. But none of that is really making a difference. I am still coming home at night and then self harming. Most days I am swallowing something now. Sooner or later something will go wrong and once that happens that will probably lead to me being on a psych ward again. So yet again I am having strong suicidal thoughts and I am not sure how I can deal with them. I am being careful so that I don't end up impulsively acting on them. By this I mean I am not drinking at the moment and I am making sure I don't have my meds in sight. I am also trying to avoid anything that could trigger it off. But, it's still there and still strong. Not sure what to do about them.
Also, I have started seeing things again. Not a regular thing like it was before but a few times I have seen faces in the window and things moving. I have heard my name being shouted also. It really freaks me out. It's been going on for the last few days. I didn't mention it today but I probably should have done.
I told G about the guy I have been seeing, M. I've not mentioned it on here yet either. So here I go.
I first met M a few weeks ago. Had a date and it went ok. He seemed a nice guy, but very quiet. So since then we have now been on 5 dates. But, I am not sure if I like him. Well, I would go as far as saying I am not attracted to him and at the moment don't want anything more than friendship with him. But, there are a couple of things here. I am not sure if I feel like this because of the way that I am now. Is it me? I mean that possibly I am scared to let my self feel something for someone as I have this fear that I will get hurt in the end. Or, that because of the way things are going now for me I am worried they will spiral again and I don't want to bring someone in to it. On the other hand, it could just be that I am just not that in to him. I get the feeling he is a lot more in to me than I am him.
But, here is the other thing. The thing I haven't mentioned to G. I haven't slept with anyone in over 3 years. It's been 2 years since I was last in anything close to a relationship with someone. So, understandably, I am terrified of going to bed with someone again. There is the whole scar thing as well.
It sounds awful, but I have considered using M to get over that whole fear thing. Get it over with etc. My friend thinks it is a good idea. I've not obviously mentioned to my Mum this, but I have said that I felt that he was more in to me, than me him. So I got a bit of a lecture from her about not hurting him and not letting him fall for me if I wasn't keen etc. And she's right isn't she? It would be awful. It would be a really bitchy thing to do and I am not that kind of person. So I can't really do that can I?
But, I must admit, I really do like the idea of being in a relationship with someone again. I like the idea of cosy nights in, cuddles on the sofa, having someone to share with, having someone to go out with. But, I have to keep in mind that while that is all a nice idea I need to make sure it's with a person I like. Don't get me wrong, I do like M, but at the moment I am just not feeling it. Perhaps I need to give it a few more dates and just see where things go and see how things develop.
What I basically said to G was how I wasn't sure where these feelings were coming from and I didn't really know what to do. In the past if i wasn't in to a guy if we had only been on one or two dates I would just ignore them and not arrange anything else. But with M, I owe him more than that. He is a nice guy, I like him, I would owe it to him to give him an explanation. So G said in the past I had been typical of me and avoiding a tough situation. I suppose I was. Oh well.
Do you think after 5 dates I should know more about how I feel towards someone?