Monday, 14 October 2013

Feeling Horrible.

I feel awful. I feel so low and so run down. My sleep is awful at the moment and it has now caught up on me.

At the psychology session last week I was asked to keep a sleep diary. I've done that and I have not had more than 5 hours on any one night. I have been averaging around 3. It's really getting me down.

It doesn't help that I had 2 nights drinking on Thursday and then again on Friday. It really does affect me. I didn't used to notice it that much when I was drinking quite a lot but having really cut down and only drinking maybe once or twice a month, if I have a lot then I really notice how shit I feel after.

But, considering how shit I am feeling anyway, I have not done anything too serious. Yes, I have swallowed a few times this week. But I know in the past when I have been feeling like I have been, when I have had a drink I have gone and done something quite impulsive and usually very serious. But, I didn't. So, ok, maybe I shouldn't be basking in the glory of not doing something serious when I have been doing stuff that they class as serious anyway.

My sleep thing is really getting on top of me. It's not the not being able to sleep in itself. Most the time I can feel ok while I am laying in a warm dark place, it's the affects of the not having slept which is getting to me. I say most the time I feel ok while I am lying there, sometimes I am getting quite bad hallucinations that bother me. I will lay under the covers with the duvet over my head and at times it is as though someone is pulling at the duvet, and that's quite scary. That has only happened a couple of times. I am hearing things though sometimes when I am just lying there. My name being shouted and someone whistling. At first I thought the whistling was coming from upstairs but even when I moved rooms it was still at the same level. It does scare me, but, not like it used to.

I ended things with M. I felt bad for doing so but when every time I was supposed to see him I had can't be arsed with this feelings I took that as an indicator that things were not good and that I should give it up. I think he was a bit upset. Well, from what I could make out from the text messages as I told him through text message. I know, harsh. But, we had only been on 6 dates, it is not as though we were serious. He wanted to see me again that evening and said if we saw each other more often then I may feel different, but I didn't want to. I wasn't really attracted to him.

I don't know why I keep swallowing things. Because, I do worry when I have done it. I have been going to the gym quite a bit and working on my abs which at times can make my stomach area sore. I get these pains and I start to worry it's the start of something and I get a bit freaked out. But, then I go and do it again anyway. Why? And that's not something I can talk to G about as then it will be openly admitting I have been swallowing things and that would open a whole can of worms.

I'm seeing him tomorrow. And Dr T in the afternoon. Not looking forward to that. Dr T always makes me so angry, he doesn't listen to me and I feel he discounts anything I have to say. I don't know why I bother going.

Was supposed to be at the gym tonight doing some damage control after the shit food week I have had. I know now I will feel even more shit tomorrow when I weigh as I will have gained for sure. But, I really couldn't face going. I am so tired and have no energy what so ever.

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