Monday, 24 September 2012

Getting By...Just

I went to see the Psychologist on Thursday. I meant to write on Thursday while it was all fresh in my mind but I didn't and I have slept since then, and consumed alcohol. Not copious amounts, but enough to make me fuzzy. More on that in a bit.

So, he said he wished he had been more forceful with the whole making me go to hospital thing for the needle. He said he had to tell the CPN what had happened and again explained why he would have needed to call my parents if I do anything life endangering. He asked me if I had done anything else (and I haven't) but he seemed to have trouble believing me and asked me to look him in the eye to tell him. I didn't say as much as that I just wouldn't say anything if anything happens again in the future but we talked about it a bit and he said along the lines of by now we should be at that stage where I can trust him enough to be able to tell him if I have. I won't be though. Not when there has been a team decision made that if I say anything again about serious self harm or failed attempts then it has to be reported to my parents as I live with them and they are classed as my carers. And that if I did do something like swallow a needle again, told them and then it killed me. They could then be held liable because they hadn't done anything about it. I kind of get their point, but it does leave me in a position where if anything happens I know now I won't be talking about it.

We talked quite a lot about how my parents, mainly my mum's drinking is affecting me. I said I am doing what I can to avoid being around them by hanging out in my room, but even this doesn't work as I still have to listen to it and he said I am in a constant state of hypervigilence which is not good for me. I can't really win. I know isolating myself away is not good for me and can trigger episodes but at the same time I don't really want to be around them. Again it was suggested that I move out. I explained about how I didn't want to give up on the going travelling idea as that is what got me out of hospital by giving me some hope and another direction. There is also the issue of when I go back to uni I won't be able to afford to live away from home so would need to move back in then anyway. He asked if I would be able to ask my parents for support in rent etc while I am at uni if I explain to them how living at home affects me. I said not as there are a number of reasons. First I don't think it's fair that I get more than my brothers ever got. I know at the moment I get a better deal than them and always have and I feel doing this would take the biscuit. Another is that although asset wise my parents are very well off cash wise it can be a struggle sometimes if for instance a couple of the properties they own become vacant and they can be down around £1000 per month. If they were paying my rent for me and they were in this situation it could leave them quite short and I wouldn't want them to feel that they can't do what they want to do to support me. I don't want to be a burden.

We also talked about some of the urges I get and he asked me to explain in more detail. So I said I keep getting urges to try and end it by overdosing and when I go shopping it can put me into a bit of a panic attack as I see the pills and the urge is so strong and I don't know if I can resist. I consider not taking my meds and storing them and taking those. I know tricylic antidepressants can be dangerous and being as though that is one of my medications I think about that quite a lot. In fact nearly every night as I am taking them I consider skipping it and saving them. Or just taking the whole lot in one go. But at the moment I don't have enough anyway. He asked me if I want to die. And the honest answer is I don't know. I am struggling to see a future. I know that much. I don't know what kind of future I can have. I can't see myself settling down, getting married, having kids, having a job, and in general having a pretty normal life. All I can see is cycles of the same thing. He then had a go at me for seeing the glass as half empty. He said to tell myself when I am in a depressive state to tell myself that it will end as from previous experience it has done. I said yeah that's all well and good but I also know that the whole depressive state will come around again. So he said he will do some DBT work with me next time over all of this. So I've got that to look forward to...not!

 I know I am a pessimist. My friends take the piss out of me for it. I was even having a conversation the other night with a friend and I was saying I was nervous about going out next Saturday. I'm going to a gig of one of the guys who worked on the PICU ward who I really liked and I said when they next played locally I would go see them and he said I should. I said I was worried as will be really weird for me as there will probably be other staff from the ward there and I don't want a fuss being made if they see me. The worrying about this makes me not want to go. But on the other hand the band sounds quite good and I would like to go see them. She kept asking me what was the worst that could happen and I gave a massive list in response and she asked how likely it was if they do. She also reminded me that they have seen me at my worst, seen me pissed, seen me throw up, seen me cry and seen me hysterical. She said I need to be more positive about it and stop being so pessimistic.

I have been out drinking a few times since I have come out of hospital. I think I have grown up a bit. I am controlling what I drink a lot more as I don't want to lose control. I don't want to be that girl who falls flat on her face as she has had too much and suffers from embarrassment the next day. Also, I don't want the hangover the next day. I can't deal with them. I am a bit worried as well that if I drink too much I will end up doing something that will get me into trouble or landing me back in hospital or on a 136 because of the way I feel and when drunk I lose rational thought and am more likely to act on impulse. I was coming back from my friends house through town the other week in a cab and I was quite sober and I was watching people falling all over the place, stumbling around in heels they can't walk in and clothes that make them look like hookers. Then add the combination of alcohol and falling over, I just thought I never want to be like that again. Not like I dressed like that or wear shows like that but you get where I am going with it.

I went out with the girls on Saturday and we ended up in this club that was just full of kids. I lasted half an hour. The music wasn't even music it was just noise. How anyone can enjoy that I don't know. Another friend left with me at the same time and we were talking how we just don't enjoy it anymore. I said I never really had unless the music was exactly what I liked. Indie and Rock and maybe a bit of cheese. And I have realised now that part of the reason I used to get in to the state I used to get into was because I wasn't having a good time so I would drink more. Or I would drink because I was going through a shit time. But I hope now I have learnt if I am not having a good time to just leave and save myself the money. Also, when I am having a shit time of things not to drink to excess as I am more likely to put myself in harms reach. I have been that person that someone has called an ambulance for as I have gone unconscious through drink. I have ended up in the resus area of the ED because of drink. I am not going to be that person anymore.

So I see OT tomorrow. I am not really sure what they want to see me for as I think I am kind of managing now. I have started singing classes, signed up for Mandarin classes, am joining a badminton club, playing badminton with friends and joining a reading group. The psychologist went a bit overboard with his enthusiasm when I told him about this but it could have been genuine. He seems a pretty genuine guy and if it was it was pretty sweet really. But, I am seeing my CPN on Wednesday which I am dreading as I know she will want to talk about the whole needle incident and go over things again and possibly why I didn't tell her when she asked if I had done anything. I am going to get clarification on what incidents would need to be reported and what wouldn't. And say for instance if I did something that could be classed as life endangering but then I went to the hospital on my own accord and then it was found to be ok, would my parents still need to be informed? In a round about way I need a list of when and when they won't be informed. I need to know what I can and can't disclose. Obviously it would be better if I don't do anything. And, it's not as though I am planning on anything. I don't want it to be seen as a what I can and can't do list if that makes sense.

I am really struggling with the urges at the moment though. I don't know why I haven't done anything more than blood letting every couple of days. I really want to. It's pretty massive. It keeps me awake at night and makes me anxious. I honestly don't know how I haven't done anything. Maybe some of it is I am worried someone will walk in on me as I am not given much privacy at the moment. Also if I do do anything it's not as though I can just sneak off to the hospital to get stitched up or what ever without questions being asked of where I am going. At least before when I was having to go to hospital whether it be for stitches, various infections, x-rays or what ever I could just say I was going to the uni library or some other excuse. But being as though I don't have much of a life at the moment I can't get away. So, maybe this has an impact on it as well. I suppose we will see next week when I am left on my own for the week.

Finally, I've just joined Netflix where you can watch films online. Can anyone recommend any good feel good, happy films?


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