They're going to hold a meeting about me. Dr T (my consultant psychiatrist), Beth (the CPN), the psychologist and my OT. It's about my self harm and for them to get together to discuss it. They are going to decide when and when not to inform my parents of when I may have done something.
I went to see the CPN today and it had me in tears. I don't usually do that. But I couldn't help it. I wanted clarification on when and when they wouldn't be informing others. She said she couldn't say for sure at the moment as was quite a lot of grey areas, but it would generally be if was seen to be life threatening. So I asked her if I cut and it required stitches would they be informing anyone and she said it's a possibility if it was serious as would have to take in to account if it became infected or anything like that. I asked if I did something but I looked for help and then it was no longer deemed life threatening and she said she didn't know. So I am not really any closer on finding anything out.
I hate the idea they are all getting together and having a meeting about me. She said she will let me know the outcome but I am not due to see her for another 4 weeks now. She said she felt that I didn't find seeing her beneficial and she doesn't want me to feel worse for seeing her. I feel it is beneficial seeing the OT and psychologist so will carry on seeing those on a regular basis. She said she is going to work in more of a coordinator way so I will get the therapy and beneficial input from psychology and OT. I see the psychologist the day after their meeting but I got the impression that it's not really his place to be telling me what is going off. So who knows when I will be given more clarification. What I do know is that if anything does happen I won't be talking to anyone about it. Just in case.
She also told me that my Mum had tried calling her a couple of weeks ago saying she was worried about me but she didn't get to speak to her just the duty worker. The duty worker didn't tell her anything and this was before I disclosed to the psychologist about swallowing the needle and razor. So there was nothing in my notes about anything so nothing was said. I asked what would happen if she called again now that they do know and the CPN said that she would say she was concerned about the ongoing risks and that would be about it.
I am so worried I am going to end up in hospital again. I don't think I have made any progress since coming out. I have tried to put things in to place like starting new activities etc but at the last minute I chicken out as I can't face the anxieties and going in to a new situation. Tomorrow I am supposed to be starting a book club but I just don't feel I can make my way into an already established group. The singing and mandarin are different as everyone is in the same boat by not knowing anyone but I keep having really negative thoughts about starting badminton group and book club. I can't do it. I know I need to be filling my time doing productive things but I can't do it.
I can't sleep at the moment and it's really getting to me. I said this to her and she just said about the importance of being in a routine with sleep about going to bed at the same time and getting up at the same time. I try to be ready for sleep between 12 and 1am but I don't usually get to sleep until about 5 and then I wake up loads and not properly sleep just dozing. Come 11 I get up as I give up on getting any decent sleep. There's just no way I could get up at 8-9am like they are suggesting. I know lack of sleep can have a big impact on what I do and how it affects my moods. I don't know whether to go to my GP and ask for some zopiclone or to leave it a bit longer. I don't want to waste my time (and his) going for him to say no. I don't know if it needs to come from the psychiatrist. Maybe I should just phone the CPN and ask her if she will ask Dr T if he will prescribe some for me. I can't go on like this.
Now with this meeting looming over me I feel really anxious as well. I hate it.
We also talked a bit about why I won't talk to my parents about how I am feeling and I can't explain why I can't and again "I don't know" was the catchphrase of the appointment. People keep saying to me how do I know it will make things worse if I won't give it a go. But I know it will. My Mum already thinks I am mental, she has said so much. So it's just not going to go in my favour really. Also I know from past experiences where I have confided in her about anything it gets turned around on me and is held against me. I am not going to put myself through that. All the professionals seem to think I should be telling them when I self harm and that I have suicidal thoughts but they just don't get it. I know I don't do a great job of explaining things and it probably goes against me. Also, they've only really seen the supportive side and not the side I see. I can't win can I?!
So, maybe the psychologist will tell me a bit about the meeting when I see him next Thursday but I'm not expecting him to. So I will just have to wait it out.