It went a bit downhill on the 12th. I was really struggling. I ended up breaking up a DVD, one I knew didn’t work and getting my needle out and cutting. They barged in on me but I couldn’t move. I had stuff in my hand but I wouldn’t/couldn’t give it up. I could hear them talking to me but they were just words. They didn’t mean anything. I ended up being restrained on the floor. Dragged out the bathroom and restrained. First on my back, but I was able to get out of it. Then they moved me on to my front. The guy on my left arm was really hurting me but I couldn’t communicate. They were saying I needed stitches in my leg where I had cut. I didn’t want them anywhere near me so I was trying to wriggle away. So I had someone on my legs also. In the end the IM’d me. 5 Haloperidol and 2 Lorazepam.
While I was being restrained they had cleared my room. Took everything away from me. Everything. I was upset at losing my iPod as music seems to be the only thing which can help calm me down. They kept saying over and over how I needed to talk. I don’t need to talk I need to be left on my own. They called the duty doctor and she said I needed to go to the ED to get stitches. So off I went to the ED with 2 escorts. So embarrassing. People only need to look at you and they know you are a patient at the psychiatric hospital. And then they wonder what’s wrong with you, and then they wonder if it’s catching? It was quite quick at the ED. Only 45 minutes. Because I had seen the doc here and because of what I was they rushed me through. Made it back in time to have a cig. It turns out I didn’t need my iPod that night as by the time I got back the meds had caught up on me. They let me have my phone though so at least I could tell the time.
So yesterday, I was without iPod for most the day. I was told my room was going to be searched. I came back and they had got the broken DVD which wasn’t actually concealed, just left on the sink. I had no plans of using it again. It was just what they hadn’t removed the night before. So then I got a lecture about trust that if I can trust them then they can trust me to have some of my items. I asked them what they had found and they said only the CD. In my desperation, I asked if I handed over something I shouldn’t have that they hadn’t found then would I be able to get some stuff back. So in comes the nurse in charge wanting to speak to me about how I should know they are all there for me, rah rah rah. Then she asked me about the needles. I told them where they were and one of the nurses got them out. I was ok given them over as I knew I had one concealed in my bathroom so I knew I had something. But as it turns out she got two but there were more in there. They are not too good at searching these nurses. I am not complaining though. Also they are a bit careless. The doctor who saw me yesterday as I had been restrained and no one had managed to get blood out of me yet left his tape in the room. So I have hidden that and that can be used as a lig when I feel like I can’t go on anymore. I have decided I am going to wait until tomorrow to see what happens with the doc. If they don’t let me go home, I really can’t cope with it in here. I have 10 minutes for it to work in. Maybe longer, as they are not exactly spot on with the obs here.
So, I am still not eating. It’s a control thing, I know. But I can’t control anything at the moment and that seems to make me feel as though I have some element of control. Since Wednesday (it is now Sunday afternoon) I have had 1 sandwich. That was because they are now saying I can’t smoke unless I have food. So I had a sandwich yesterday. Today when they tried to get me to eat I just flushed it down the loo. It was rank anyway. They do keep checking my blood sugar but I feel if I drink a sugary coffee every time they expect me to eat I can bluff it that way. I know it sounds a bit “mad” what I am doing, but it is my way of feeling as though I have some control.
That’s it for this blog, I do have more to write about but I don’t have the concentration at the moment.