I think I am now up to date with the last month which has been going on. I know I have probably left a whole heap of things out as a month is a long time to write about. But, I will probably just add things in as I go along.
I woke this morning in a pissed off mood. To be expected. What I thought would work didn’t. The night was a night of interrupted sleep and didn’t feel restless. I have dreams that I can’t now recall but are weird. I know I dream that I am not here. This morning I woke and looked at my surroundings and for a few seconds I thought I was no longer in hospital. I am so used to being on the PICU in that same bed that because I wasn’t there I felt I was no longer in hospital.
I saw the PDoc today. A woman this time. She seemed really nice and listened to me. She went through a case history with me and then turned round and said what I was describing about my moods was not in the notes. I have always said how they last for long periods of time, well 2 weeks plus. But in my notes it seems as though it says it can be quite short lived…and that’s what I described. I told her I am not usually an anxious or irritable person yet being in hospital was turning me in to one. I told her about my feelings of my need to die. I told her what was important to me. I told her I wanted to do it now while my nephews were still young enough to not remember me. I love my nephews more than anything in the world and want to make sure that they don’t remember me as this. She asked me how other people would describe me and I said that they would probably say I was outgoing, bubbly, fun, loud, and funny. Which when I feel normal or high, that is what I am like. I am those things. I am fun to be around. I am likeable. I go out of my way to help other people. But I have not been that person in quite a while now. I don’t have the energy. She asked me more about what I was like when I was what I described as being high and I said how everything felt as though it was speeded up, I felt invincible, I want to go out with friends, I want to go to night clubs and dance like a fool, I feel on top of the world, I spend money that I know I don’t have and I do reckless things like have one night stands. I talked about the paranoia that I also sometimes get, mainly when I am high. I said how I felt like I was being followed and I was being watched. I didn’t tell her that when I see a police car I worry that they are coming for me.
She mentioned bi-polar again. Saying it sounded like something on the bi-polar spectrum. I don’t know anymore. I don’t think it’s PD. But there may be some traits. I suppose the thing about forming trust in relationships could apply as I am not able to fully trust anyone. But then I also feel that a lot of this is because a lot of the things I feel should just belong to me. I don’t wanna be one of those touchy feely types who say “I feel that…” after every conversation. I don’t wanna open myself up so much. A lot of the reason I am like this when it comes to discussing my thoughts and feelings is because I fear a backlash of them. As I have got older I have learnt not to share how I feel as the person who I am most likely to be able to share my thoughts and feelings with usually as soon as she has had a couple of drinks makes me feel pathetic for having those thoughts and feelings. Or somehow manipulates them in to something I shouldn’t be feeling. So tell me, why should I be open about how I feel and my thoughts if they are just going to be trampled on? Dr T has also done this to me. He tells me I am feeling something I am not or tells me I am not feeling something I am. So why should I bother as the people I should be able to talk to just turn it around on me?
That’s only 2 people though. I know that. But, I suppose you learn a lot from early experiences and it carries through in to later life.
I couldn’t tell you if I have learnt anything from being in hospital. I have some good things to put in a made up case study for a dissertation though. That’s if I go back to uni. I am still wanting to die. Wanting to die and studying for a MA, a MA in Social Work aren’t really good partners together are they? I don’t know if they will let me back on the course either. I mean, I am due to start back next week! Not exactly a promising start is it? So, if they cure me of these horrible suicidal thoughts and discharge me what does it mean for me?
Probably a year off uni. Not happy about that. Not at all. How do I explain that one to friends who don’t know I am here? Much to my delight my parents seem to have told all the family about my situation and my brothers their friends, even though asked not to. I have friends who don’t know. Neve doesn’t know. I’ve not been in contact with her in about 4 weeks now. She actually contacted my brothers as she had seen I’d not even been on Facebook. I don’t want her knowing as she goes out with Gom’s mate. I do not want it getting back to Gom that I am in hospital. My brother told Neve I was in hospital with a gastro thing and she posted a get well card through my door. I feel awful not telling her the truth as she is a close friend now but I would rather not tell her while I am here. I think once I am discharged I will tell her and I can leave some details out and add others.
I am also going to have to move house. I think before I came in to hospital I wrote of my parent’s separation. Well, my Mum has now found another house. At first I was really supportive of them breaking up. I suppose I still am as it’s not a good relationship. But my own selfishness is rising inside me. I have not said anything to anyone about it as I don’t want to appear selfish in this. And, I don’t want to make people notice me even more. But, I really don’t want to move house. I didn’t think I did but I do see the house I lived in as a home. It is my home. I like where it is. I can walk to uni and it’s easy to get to the city centre (about £7 in a cab) and I love the position. It’s an amazing house which I am kind of proud of. But, my Mum can’t afford to stay there. The council tax bill alone is £250 per month. So she has found a house miles away! It’s not really an area I know and I just don’t want to move. Also today, I’ve just thought of this and it’s made me even more against it is I have been told by the PDoc that if it is Bi-Polar I may lose my driver’s licence for a while. Not good. Not good at all.
While all this has been going on I have not had contact with my Dad. I have said I don’t want anyone other than my Mum coming to the hospital to see me. It’s not that it’s that I don’t want to see him. I don’t want him telling me what I need to do. I don’t want him maudling. I can’t cope with his intensity at the moment. So since I left France on August 1st I have only seen him once. He came to the hospital with my Mum on one occasion. I just can’t handle it. I don’t know how I can explain it. I have had nurses etc. asking me why and I don’t know what to say. I can’t really explain it to myself. Maybe it’s because I am so ashamed of myself I don’t want to see him as it will make me more ashamed. Who knows? But just writing that sentence has made me a bit teary so maybe that could be some of the reason.
I think I have only mentioned it once before on my blog. I don’t talk about it as I am ashamed of it. But I was the same after I stole the money. I didn’t want to see my grandparents at all. I would do all I could to avoid them. Is this the same? Do I feel the same way about my Dad in all of this as I did back when I was 13? I think there may be quite a lot of that there actually. I don’t know why as I don’t know why I would be like this with him. Maybe I feel that he has always expected me to be a certain way and I have just not lived up to it. Do I feel as though I am on some kind of pedestal waiting to fall? I’ve not always been the Golden Child but I suppose I was a Daddy’s girl growing up. The whole thing with the money was brushed aside after about a year or so and while my brothers did things to cause concern and acted out I never did. I never needed disciplining really and could manipulate my Dad quite easily by being the youngest, the only girl and not the one who was unemployed, stayed in bed all day and didn’t do anything with his life or the one who was a dreamer and had no direction.
I worked hard and kept my head down. I think he then put me on some kind of pedestal. You know, being independent enough to go travelling on my own, getting my first degree and getting a place to do my Masters.
My oldest brother has kids now, which is great and it does take some of the focus off me but I still feel that he expects so much of me. And I think that is one of the reasons why I don’t want to see him. And he is being a cock to my Mum over the separation by not giving her her half of things. Not as in it’s in his name and he won’t give her half but, in both their names and he won’t give it her. The time he did come to visit at the other hospital I could see the tear in his eyes and it was awful. I can’t subject myself to it.
So my Dad is staying in the house. There is no way I could live with him. And my Mum has a rented house way out in the sticks. Miles from uni, miles from town and miles from friends. And I may lose my driving licence. It’s all great!
I’ve never really thought of my emotions to my Dad like that before. I have wondered what it was that made my relationship with him so fraught but I think it is that. And that he treats my Mum like crap. He expects so much of other people but will not give anything in return. I am not sure if my brothers feel the same way about it and I have only just realised that I feel this way.
I’m going to leave it there. It was only going to be a short blog tonight about more moanings of being in hospital and my thoughts etc. But I’ve gone on enough. And my battery is again running low.