Friday, 14 October 2011

Sunday 14th August

I can’t get the thoughts out of my head. I really want to do something right now. I want to use that tape that I have. It could work but at the moment I am on higher obs and if it doesn’t then I lose everything again. I lose my laptop and iPod. I have not left the room other than for going for a cig or to ask for something to be gotten out of the locker which they have locked the majority of my belongings in. I need to feel as though I still hold on to something. That I have one over on them. I know I have a needle in my purse, I have a needle in the shower and I have this tape. I need to know I have those. I need to know I can get away with not eating. I need something that makes me feel like me. Like I can be me if I need to be.

My Mum is annoying me quite a bit by saying some of the things she is saying about being here. She is making jokes at people’s expenses calling them loonies, crazies and other derogatory terms. Well I am here, so that makes me the same. It’s quite hurtful. The people here do seem quite ill though. I have had to ask for the window in the door to be closed as the man next door keeps staring in at me and it freaks me out. He has no appreciation of personal space and he makes me feel really uncomfortable.

I am supposed to be seeing the psychiatrist tomorrow. I have been told he is nice, but people struggle to understand his accent. Judging by his name he is Eastern European. I do struggle with people’s accents. The medical doctor who clerked me kept calling the scars harm marks. I was like “you mean scars” and he was like “yes, yes harm marks”. Weirdo. Why not just say scars. And then when I took my cardigan off he was like “oooo more harm marks”. SCARS, you idiot, SCARS!

I am feeling so frustrated today and I really wanna self harm or even attempt. Being in here is making me feel so much worse. I don’t think I need to be here, I don’t understand why I am here if I am honest. I said I didn’t have a plan and I don’t. And, now my Mum is back I am not going to attempt while she is around. That has always stopped me in the past. They don’t get it. They don’t listen to me at all. I know it may seem as though I am going on and on about it, but it’s the way I feel. I really don’t want to eat and I don’t like how they are forcing me to. I know I take metformin, but it is not for diabetes. It doesn’t affect my blood sugar. If only they would read up about it they would see that I am not causing myself any damage by taking metformin and not eating.

I really don’t want to be here. I am trying to figure out the exits so I can make an escape. It’s a locked ward, but if I can get off the ward then I can make a runner. I just wish I knew where I was going. If it was my own local hospital I would know where to go and how to get out without being caught. I am not sure if I can here.

I am also sick of hearing that I am an intelligent person. I really don’t get what that has to do with anything. The Doc who clerked me even said because I was doing a Masters I obviously had a greater brain capacity than most people. Seriously! What the fuck does that have to do with anything?

Yesterday I spoke to the nurse, the nurse who got the needles. She said had I considered a mood stabiliser. It’s never been offered to me so no, I can’t say I have considered it. She mentioned Sodium Valporate and another one I can’t remember the name of. I said I was worried about medication as of putting weight on. She said is more likely with the anti-psychotics, and I was already taking a good dose of anti-psychotic. Whether or not she will put it in the notes about what I said I don’t know.

The AMHP said I could request to see my own medical notes. I have decided if I am after tomorrow I will request them as it is something to read rather than be bored and not doing anything. I wonder how it will make me feel. The AHMP said there wasn’t anything in there that was harmful to me so he didn’t see any reason why I couldn’t. All I need to do is put it in writing. There are a hell of a lot of notes though. I bet it would take me a day to read them.

I am trying to distract myself.

My brother has just been. Queue more crying.

I really just wanna go home. They made me eat something before I went out for a cig. I picked the chicken out a sandwich and played with the rest. It was rank. I got a can of vimto also. Sneakily I pulled the ring pull off. In my pocket for later. If I’m going to do anything it’s gonna be big. I’m not losing everything for something tiny. I need to plan what I want to do now.

I don’t want any medication at the moment. If I take it now it will mean I won’t sleep tonight as it will knock me out. I need to try and wait until about 9pm.

This is now just rambling.

I’ll write tomorrow when I have seen the doc.


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