It's A Long Road Up To Recovery From Here, A Long Way Back To The Light.

"If you could just give me a sign, just a subtle little glimmer,

Some suggestion that you'd have me if I could only make me better,

Then I would stand a little stronger as I walk a little taller all the time.

Because I know you are a cynic but I think I can convince you,

Because broken people can get better if they really want to,

Or at least that's what I have to tell myself if I am hoping to survive".

What exactly is recovery?

This was the main topic of today's session with my psychologist.

He said that he thinks that it is early days and I am now heading in to recovery. I am less passive and I have taken ownership. He said something along the lines of that when he first met me I had a fuck off to everyone attitude and that I didn't think anything was wrong with me and that if the were so intent on thinking that there was something wrong then they were the ones who had to fix it. 

I wanted to take a medical approach to it all in that give me medication and that will cure me. That if we just found the right medication then I would be cured. I didn't need to do anything, let the others do it.

I do now understand that what I do has an impact on how I am. I know that there is not one thing that will make me better. Medication won't fix me. Yes, it helps, but it is not a cure. I need to ensure that I sleep. That I take care of myself. We then got on to this subject.

He asked me if I had done anything nice for myself to give myself a pat on the back for managing this whole thing so well. I said not. Well not consciously. He said I needed to. I need to treat myself and tell myself I am doing so because I deserve it.

I didn't say anything. But I can't do that. I don't deserve it. I know it's only going to be a matter of time before I screw up and give in (I have, but more on that in a minute). Then I will feel bad as I have failed yet again. And it's stupid that I don't feel I can say this as if I had made some headway with someone and then they come out with this I would just feel so frustrated and pissed off that they said this. So, I keep my mouth shut instead.

I am expecting failure. I am expecting to not succeed in all of this. At the moment I have feelings as though I don't belong. OK, so at the moment my thought patterns are different, perhaps I am heading into recovery. But, I feel as though I don't belong. It's all an act. I am fooling myself.

And you know the stupid thing. The stupid thing is that even though I am aware of all these ridiculous thoughts. How they manifest and at times why they are there. I still go and give in to the urge and go and swallow something just like I have done this evening. I don't know why, but, talking about this, talking today has really triggered me. 

I didn't come straight home after the appointment. And I was feeling ok. I got home, had dinner and watched a bit of TV. Then I started writing this and all of a sudden I had this urge to scream, shout, punch something, I had a massive wave of anxiety. Then before I knew it, I had swallowed a nail. There wasn't even any time for me to assess things. I just did it. But, that is not enough. I am now trying to suppress the urge to cut. What is stopping me? Well, I do really quite like that guy. I don't want to have more fresh scars. I don't want to have to do the explaining. I am already freaking about it now. How am I going to explain it all. There will come a point when they will ask. What if they ask too soon into the relationship? What do I say, the truth will scare them off. My plan was to tell them a half truth after a few weeks. That SH was something I did when I was younger. Then a few months down the line tell them the full truth. When they can see that there is more to me than a person who self harms. More than a person with mental health problems. 

I don't know if I articulated it well enough today. But I said that I had kind of accepted that recovery for me is not going to be being free of self harm, being free of suicidal thoughts, being free of the debilitating low moods. Until recently I had been after a cure. To not experience these feelings. To not experience it at all.  It's what I want. But I am not going to get that. And that is a real disappointment. That is actually making me feel shit. I don't want to still have all these feelings. For so long I had thought that recovery for me would be a cure. To not have them. I didn't think that recovery would still be feeling the same feelings, having the same thoughts, the only difference would be how I deal with it. I don't want that. It's not how I want to live my life. 

This realisation of this is making me feel bad. This realisation is making me have worse thoughts and worse feelings. It is not progress as the psychologist said it was. It has knocked me back. 

I know these thoughts and feelings are really disjointed, really not that normal. That, in me having them is a knock back in itself. 

I had all these illusions of being cured. Of leading a normal life. Of being normal. It was what I was working so hard towards. And I'm not going to get that. It would seem that the best I could hope for is that they will still be there, they will still be a part of my life but I will be able to live with them. Well, I don't want that. I don't want to live with them. I don't want to be like this. Because, at the end of the day, I will still be the same. I will still be feeling the same feelings, having the same thoughts. How will I be any happier? Fighting with the urges is hard work. It wears me down. It does get to the stage where I have suicidal thoughts and in the past I have acted on these. So basically I am just going to carry on living my life in spirals of moods. Ups and downs. These are not going to get better. It's just that perhaps I won't be as destructive and seriously self harm. And really, I am not bothered about the self harm unless it leaves scars. So why not carry on swallowing things. It doesn't affect anyone. I am not turning up at the ED needing stitches and time. I am not being a drain on anyone. OK, if something goes wrong, then yes, it will take up resources. But what are the chances. I have swallowed things so many times now. More times than I can count. Probably more times than I have cut. And there has only been the 1 time where something has gone wrong. So no, I don't see it as a huge problem. If it helps just that little bit then why not continue to do it.

And you know what. I don't feel as though I can say anything about this. Because all I can see is people getting frustrated with me and getting pissed off at me. Because in all honesty, if I was in their position, if I had put so much time and effort in to someone and finally thought we were getting somewhere, I would be furious. I would feel so pissed off. And it's those stupid schemas going in to overdrive again that caring so much about what people think of me is too important to me. I'm mad aren't I? I can even see myself what I am doing, yet it still continues. It's all crazy and fucked up shit! 

I don't know where this has all come from. I haven't taken my meds properly in a week as I ran out and I keep forgetting to go to the doctors to get more. But I don't really see how much of an affect what the meds could have. I'm on a stupid dose which is probably more sugar than anything else. 

Maybe it's just coming to this sucky conclusion which has done it all. 

I'm just quite fucked off with it all really. 

Worried I am Sinking.

I'm a bit worried about my mood. It's dipping quite a bit and that motivation to do anything has gone. I am also having quite a few self harm urges, there has also been the suicidal thoughts.

Maybe it's the turn in the weather. I noticed I did start to feel quite a bit better once the weather was getting warmer and it was sunny. It's now getting cold and miserable. I hope it's not that as it could mean I am in for a tough 6 months.

I have been going on a few dates from the dating site. I have been on a second date with one of them, having a third this week. Although, I can't say I am overly keen on him. I don't get butterflies when I am with him. I don't have that buzz. He's a nice enough guy, I don't mind spending time with him. But I am not feeling that spark. I am trying to take what my friends say on board. In that I am not 17 any more and you don't get that initial buzz like you do with your first love. That relationships develop. So, being as though he is not awful, I am going to stick with it.

But, saying that I did meet someone last week who I did really like and I felt a buzz about him. So, I don't know if that theory my friends have is right. I am seeing him again this week.

I am also aware of what it says in my schema therapy book. It says to avoid relationships where there is that buzz of chemistry as it could be a wrong relationship and be too intense and be the wrong person for me. But, it's only been one date. I may be really annoyed by him next time I see him. So, I think I just need to keep my options open.

I am not desperate to find someone. But, it has been over 2 years since I had any kind of relationship with anyone. I want to meet new people, I want to have someone to go to gigs and comedy with. Spend time with. To cuddle on the sofa while watching a film. I suppose, I am quite lonely. My friends are all loved up or have kids. So, it doesn't leave much really. I am also looking in to joining more social groups as well as I want to meet more girl friends and just also broaden my group of friends. It's even more important to me now I am not going back to Uni this year. I don't want to be going clubbing etc anymore. I don't want to be going out and getting pissed at the weekend. So, it doesn't really leave me with a lot as my friends who are single, want to do that.

I have a psychology session tomorrow. Not sure what I want to talk about in it. I want him to take the lead with it. We are meant to be doing this schema therapy but I don't think we have done anything schema related in about 3 months. It's all been about uni and then I have been away, or he has been away. I can see how this schema therapy would work for me, so I want to get on with it. I need to make changes. I think I am doing better than I have been in a long time. I think I am coming to the realisation that I will never get rid of these mood dips, the lows etc etc etc. It's always going to be part of my life. But, what will change is how I deal with them. How I approach them. Since I started getting unwell when I was in my early 20's, I always saw recovery as not getting the low periods. Being stable. But now I realise, I am not going to get that. I am probably always going to get the low periods, the higher periods, the self harm urges, the suicidal thoughts. In a way, that in itself is quite disheartening. I wanted to not have the extremes. But, I suppose part of recovery is coming to terms with the fact that that is not going to happen.

That's not to say it doesn't suck though.

Just wanted to have a bit of a brain splurge tonight and get down my thoughts that were going round. This doesn't really flow properly or anything but I needed to get it out.

Crash

I think the reason why I had dealt with everything so well so far was because I hadn't had time to really think about it and have it sink in. Since Wednesday I have barely spent any time on my own. I have not really had time to go over things. Now it has sunk in. And so I have crashed a bit this afternoon.

I am having massive urges to self harm, I am having suicidal urges. I have had some urges since Wednesday but they have been more fleeting. These are staying with me a bit more. I can't act on them. I can't. But then on the other hand I am unsure of how I am going to deal with them.

I did see my psychologist today. I am not sure if talking about it more has made me feel like this or what? Possibly. That would indicate to me that I haven't been dealing with it so far and that I have been avoiding it. I did say this to him earlier. That I didn't know if I was avoiding it or just dealing with it well. I can't actually remember what he said.

I did say that I am trying to be practical about it and not get bogged down with the feelings as I am worried I will drown in feelings over it and then not be able to cope. So, I have tried not to think about what it means or how it makes me feel. I need them to numb before I can deal with them so that they are less intense.

I know I am doing some things better than I have in the past. I know in the past I would have ended up getting drunk and then self harming. But, not all planned. I would get drunk to avoid how I was feeling thinking it would make me feel better and then it not work and because I am drunk end up self harming impulsively. I know that if I have a drink I won't just stop at 1. I will end up getting pissed and doing something as I won't be able to cope with the urge while I am drunk and I won't care that in me self harming it is making their point even stronger.

But, there is a big part of me that is thinking fuck it, I'll just do that, to hell with the consequences. I am tempted now to go and get some alcohol from the shop and to down that. But, I have not drunk in about 6 weeks now. I am trying to be healthier and I am trying to lose weight, by not drinking it is making it a lot easier. I can tell that I have lost weight and I look a lot better for it. I am nearly up to having lost 2 stone now. So, I don't want to blow that by drinking. Actually it is more that than anything actually. I think if I wasn't so conscious of trying to lose weight, I would have already have got hammered by now.

I will see how things go the next couple of days and if I am still struggling I will call my CPN and speak to her about it.

I was telling my psychologist how pissed off I was about it and how I felt let down by the uni. It really annoys me as the main reason they have said no is because the agencies said they wouldn't be in a position to offer me a placement at the moment. Well, I am not looking for a placement at the moment, that will be in February. I know at the moment, April is not that long a go to have been in recovery, but by February it will have been 10 months. I am almost positive if I was an employee and off work, they would be encouraging me to go back as soon as possible. So, why are they being like that with this.

They are right though, I am not ready to go back. I said I had my doubts and I didn't think I was ready. But, it still feels like shit. I also expected it. So then why has it sent my urges in to over drive? Why have the suicidal thoughts come back. I am not planning anything, I have not made any plans at all. But the niggling thoughts are there. I am OK with them at the moment, but I know from past experience that there is only so much of them I can take before they do start to become plans.

I was supposed to go see Dr T today, my consultant psychiatrist. I cancelled the appointment though. I couldn't face it. I have been away for the last couple of days and drove back this morning. The appointment with the doctor was supposed to have been 20 minutes after the psychology one and on the other side of the city. I thought I would be pushing it. I didn't want to feel as though I was rushing the psychology appointment so I thought I would ask if I could make it later, but I couldn't, so I just told them to cancel it and send me another through the post. I actually bumped into the doctor on the way in to the psychology appointment. That was awkward. I explained to my psychologist that I knew I would be driving back today and that I would be knackered. I hadn't spent any time at home over the last few days and wanted to get back home. And there was also the reason that I couldn't face it as I felt at the appointments I wasn't being listened to my opinion over anything didn't matter and that anything I said was usually interpreted wrong. I feel quite wound up after appointments so I thought it was best if I cancelled. He asked why I didn't say anything to him and that I should. Typical me really. I won't. He said he hoped I didn't feel like that with him and that if I thought he interpreted things wrong I would say. I don't feel like that with him so that's good. It's the opposite, I get all muddled and inarticulate about how I am feeling or thinking and he gives it some order and makes it make more sense to me.

Another thing we looked a bit was the schema of failure. I said I felt crap as I felt I had to justify myself to other people over this and in some way they were blaming me. I feel paranoid people are thinking badly of me for not going on to do the course. He was trying to say I will get a lot out of this year in terms of skills and personal growth. While that may be the case, that isn't good enough for me. I want more. I want to get my career. I want to move on. Then, there are the people who don't know what I have been going through in the last few years. What do I say to them? What are they going to think of me. He was trying to tell me other people's perceptions don't matter, but they really do. I felt I could have said more on this but sometimes I lose track of where I am going with things and I forget. The people in particular here are my ex's family. I have got back in contact with them only in the last few months. They know I started the course in 2010 and they know I haven't finished it yet as of taking time away. They were expecting me to go back this year. How do I explain that? I can't tell them the real reason. But any other reason just looks as though I am doing a typical me and avoiding hard work and wanting the easy life. How people perceive me is very important to me. It's a massive thing and in not being able to go back to uni it's really causing me to start getting massive anxieties about that.

So that's the psych stuff.

I had a bit of a email conversation with my ex last week. It went fine and I am ok about it. But he told me something and I am not sure whether or not to tell my friend. Basically, one of my now best friend's is my ex's best mate's now ex. It's pretty obvious she still has strong feelings towards him. When she was pregnant she was quite weird about it in case he found out as she didn't want him to know. Her current bloke is a bit of a knob, well, he is a knob, but that is a whole other story. Anyway, in speaking to my ex last week he told me that her ex is getting married in November. I am not sure what to do.

I spoke to my Mum and my Mum said don't say anything, what she doesn't know won't hurt her. I spoke to my friends about it, they said I should tell her. They said there's a couple of reasons why. The first being is that it could help her move on from him. Also, the second being a long the lines of that although he is the one getting married, she could hold it against me for not telling her and it could put a strain on our friendship. I really don't know what to do. She has an idea that he is with someone else but she has no idea how serious it is. I keep thinking about how felt when I found out my ex was with someone else, I was gutted. it really affected me. But it was only a few weeks after we had broke up from a 9 year relationship. I was really upset when I found out she had moved in. That was because we had chosen that house together and I had lived there as my home. When the cat died I was really upset and had bad feelings towards her, as he was my cat. But, when I found out they were engaged and were going to get married I wasn't overly that bothered. When I found out she had broken up with him, I did feel bad for him. But at the same time there was a bit of me that felt spiteful that he knew what it was like to lose someone you loved when it wasn't your choice. Also, I compare his girlfriends to myself and looking for negative qualities in them, like for instance I am prettier than her etc etc etc. I know I am a bitch.

But please help me here, what should I do, how should I approach it and what should I say?

Answers on a post card please....

Let Down

I am feeling really let down with the University. But while feeling let down, it feels quite surreal and as though this is all happening to someone else.

I thought I handled myself quite well at the meeting. I managed to control my anxiety. Outwardly anyway. That may have been something to do with the medication I took in the morning. But it worked. No fiddling with my necklace, earrings, ring. No leg going like mad. I managed to think about the question they asked me, take a breath and answer. No freezing up and going "I don't know". I don't know how I managed it.

Well, I say that. They asked me what had lead to the episode in April. I did say I didn't know. But then waffled a little bit about sleep deprivation. I didn't talk about the hallucinations that were getting to me so much that I couldn't cope with them. It was a really stupid answer. I didn't know what to say. I talked a bit about how there were lots of little things that had added up and I got to the point where I couldn't cope. I think this could have been where everything went wrong. But then saying that I have a feeling that they had decided even before they held the meeting.

The opened with their concerns. I knew then that they would be saying no. It really didn't matter what I said. It didn't matter what the reports said. I feel as soon as they knew I was in hospital in April, it was going to be a no. I don't even know why they put me through the whole panel.

They talked about not knowing if I would have the resilience to cope with the stress of the course and placement and they were worried it would effect my practice. They also said that they were not going to be part of my recovery.

So, yeah. I am feeling really let down by Uni. I don't feel supported at all. It has made me not want to go back to that uni to finish the course. I know I want to finish the course, but I don't really want to do it there. I feel as though I am being stabbed in the back by them. I did expect it of them though. When I was first admitted in 2011 I made contact with uni to let them know. On the surface it was all supportive, telling me to concentrate on myself and of course I could come back in September if I was feeling well enough. I was on leave, about to be discharged, feeling so much better and engaging etc etc etc, on the whole ready to move on, then the course director emails the psychiatrist who was over seeing my care at the time telling him a whole list of reasons why I was going to have to defer for a year.

I am really upset with them.

Ok, I know I didn't think I was ready to go back. But I wanted to. I was going to even though I didn't think I was ready. But of course I never let on to this. I told my psychologist I had my doubts. But I was trying to get back this year as I was told I wouldn't be funded to do it if I didn't. And that would mean I would lose out on about £10k.

When I spoke to the psychologist after the appointment he said he was sorry if he had let me down by encouraging me. I don't think he has at all though.It's not as though he got my hopes up. I don't allow myself to get my hopes up about things. It stings a hell of a lot more when you are let down. I needed some support with it anyway. It was something I was going to try and do whether or not I had support. Well, I wouldn't have done if they weren't going to support me as there was no way uni would have even considered it without some medical support. But my family weren't supportive, and my friends were quite passive over it. One friend was good and she came with me. But I have had very little support over this.

They said to me they want me to get some work in the health and social care field. So I plan on getting some volunteering work. I would like to do it in mental health. I would like to do some peer support kind of work. But, I don't want to do it on the wards as of me knowing the staff from my own experiences. Also, I can't be sure that I am not going to end up back there. Although, it would be the biggest motivator in staying well wouldn't it? But still, it's a bit too soon.

I was supposed to go round to my parents after the meeting at uni, but I needed to be on my own and come home. I text my Mum and told her it hadn't gone well and I just wanted to be at home on my own. Both my Mum and Dad called me telling me to go round and I said no, then my Mum was worrying asking me if she could come over and I said no. I could tell they were worrying but I just needed to be on my own. My brother turned up about an hour later. Too much of a coincidence.

Anyway, the next day I did see my Mum. I was really surprised at how supportive she was. I expected a I told you so attitude after the way she was the other week when we were talking about it. But she said that it wasn't the end of the world, and that this would be the last opportunity to have time to myself, to concentrate on myself and to have fun. She said that yes, I should pursue volunteer work so I have some purpose, but to make sure I have this year and have fun. I said i felt bad doing that as the last couple of years I have hardly done anything. But she said I was ill. I couldn't help it and no one hold that against me. She said I have only been stable for the last few weeks and that I am only just finally getting it together after so many years of not being ok. That I had not been this well in a long time and I should make the most of it. It will be the last chance that I have to do this as once I do qualify I will be getting a job, and then hopefully a relationship and kids will fall in somewhere. She is right. I am going to try and see the positives.

She actually said, that as awful as it sounds she was hoping uni would say no, as she didn't think I was ready. She felt that while I was doing well, it was too soon to be putting pressure on myself and could go badly for me if I went back and started to fail. I talked to her about funding and that that was my main worry right now. I was originally told by the course director last year that last year was the last year I would be able to defer as I would not be able to get any more funding to do the course. I couldn't see how the hell I was going to get the £4k plus fees plus living expenses. The bursary paid my fees and I got around £500 a month bursary. My Mum said that she hadn't spoke to my Dad about it but she could possibly consider a loan to me to help me out. But if she did that she was worried that again it would put me under a lot of pressure to succeed as I'd feel like even more of a failure having borrowed money from them and then not being able to complete the course. I said I wouldn't want to take the money from them anyway as it was a lot of money and it wouldn't be fair on my brothers. Also, I didn't say it, but I am trying to be as independent as possible from them, borrowing the money from them would take away that independence. But, if the worst came to the worst it is always a possibility.

But, on a more positive note, I was proactive and I called the NHS Bursary hot line. I explained the situation to them and they said that while they couldn't guarantee it, it would seem as though I would be funded to complete the course. He said as long as I am not repeating a year, it should be ok for me to be funded. He said they couldn't guarantee it as changes are coming in all the time, but as it stands at the moment I should get my funding. He also said that most of the changes that are coming in are affecting new students. So it does look positive.

I was speaking to my friend about this also. She said it is not as though I have chosen to defer my studies, I didn't have a choice and I was ill. So, I can always say it's discrimination if I am not given my funding.

I have also emailed different universities to see about the possibility of transferring my studies to them. I feel so let down by my university that I am not sure if I want to continue to study there. It's a prestige university with good employment chances after. So I have looked at other prestige universities. Although most have got back to me and have said they don't allow students to transfer and if I wanted to study there I would have to start from the beginning again. So it looks unlikely that that is going to happen.

But I am trying to remain positive. Yes, I cry about it and I feel totally shit. I am having quite big urges, suicidal thoughts. But I am trying not to dwell to much on it, to not see it as the end of the world. If I let it get to me like that it just proves that I wasn't ready. I know I am not, but I can't have them knowing that.

As Bad As I Expected.

Uni said no, I can't go back this year and I have to defer for another year. I expected it. But I am still really upset about it and feel awful.

There is quite a bit to write but I don't have the energy to at the moment. I am doing my usual of avoiding thinking about it. Every time I do I end up in tears.

Basically they said what happened in April wasn't long enough ago; I haven't been stable for long enough. And that they weren't going to be part of my recovery.

I feel really let down by my Uni and the lack of support.

I will write more once I get my head around things.

How Things Are.

I'm a bit of a mess and the urges are in overdrive. But I am determined not to act on them as that would mean that I couldn't cope and that they would be right to say I can't go back to uni.

I had a psychology session today. He said I am being very pessimistic about it and I am coming across that I don't want to go back. I do. I want it more than anything. I think I want it too much. It is that wanting it too much that increases my worries about what will happen if they say no. I can see the worst happening which would be putting me back to right where I started and not being able to get out of it. Ending up back in hospital and ending up back on a PICU as I can't keep myself safe.

I have worked so hard to get to where I am now. OK, things are not great. I am not better, perhaps I never will be, but I am being able to live with it a lot better. I have more understanding and when I am in a bad place and I am struggling, I am able to do more to be able to do things to bring myself out of it. But that takes so much effort and energy. Knowing what it has taken and how much of me it has taken to get here, if I did end up back where I started, I am not sure if I could bring myself out of it. I can't go through it all all over again.

He said if I wanted he could take it out of my control and call them tomorrow saying I am not ready to go back. That way it could stop me from internalising it. He asked me what would happen if I were not able to go back, in terms of how I would feel. I told him I would feel let down with myself, that I hadn't met my own expectations, that I hadn't met the expectations of others and over all that I have failed. If I do get ill again over it I will have let other people down. I will be a disappointment.

I can't deal with that.

He said I am internalising it all. That I feel it is all about what I have done if I am not allowed to go back. But it is. It's not as though it's one person making the decision. If it was I could possibly turn round and blame someone else. But no, this is all about me and what I have done. I only have myself to blame.

I know I am being so negative. I need to try and be more positive. He said that if they were going to say no straight out that they wouldn't be putting me through the panel and giving me the opportunity to go back. If there wasn't a chance they wouldn't let me go through this. So I suppose I should hold on to that.

One thing I am worried about them asking is about the time I spent on PICU. Over the course of my hospital admission I spent over 9 months on the PICU. That's a hell of a long time. I said to the psychologist that I wasn't really sure why I was on there so long. He said it was to do with that I needed to be in hospital and that when I had been on the wards previously I was going to extremes to be able to self harm. So much so it was deemed necessary to restrain me, at times for hours at a time (I am aware of one of the times being restrained for so long that I was fighting so hard against it that I wore myself out so much that I fell asleep) and in my fighting to get out and struggles people got hurt. I wasn't aware of that. I feel so awful about it now. I never meant to hurt anyone. Well, a part from that awful Nurse who I kicked in the balls, but he provoked me. And as far as I am aware, it is in my notes that he provoked me and action was taken against him. I am shocked to think I behaved like that. It's not me. I must have been in a really bad place.

He said if they asked that to tell them that I found the ward I was on for longest the most beneficial and that I formed good attachments with the staff on there which took a long time. I felt happier on there than I had done anywhere else. I explained to him that one of the reasons why I was so reluctant to open up and speak to anyone was because of bad experiences when I was at the first hospital. I was told I needed to engage so I would try to speak to someone when I was struggling and all I got was a couldn't care less attitude and comments such as I had brought it all on myself. So I couldn't see the point in even trying. It really affected my attitudes towards staff who worked on the wards. I was reading about my first stay the other day and how I was in shock at the difference in staff between the two hospitals. How at the first if I had self harmed I was practically shunned and they had a go at me. In the second hospital, staff actually wanted to talk to you and spend time with you.

It sounds stupid but I am actually getting upset thinking about that first hospital and what an awful experience it was.

And that is another thing that really scares me. If I did end up being bad again. The female PICU is now at that hospital. I would have to go back there. The worry of that is so much, that I would probably push away if I started to get bad again and not seek the support I need.

I have to go back to uni. The alternative is too scary to think about.

What's Occuring.

Not a lot really.

I had a psychology session last Tuesday and we mainly talked about what he was going to include in the report he was writing for me to support my return to uni.

He emailed me the report on Thursday and this is what he has said... obviously I have changed some details...

I began working with GP in February 2012. At that time GP was being assessed for inclusion in a dialectical behaviour therapy (DBT) group. The assessment indicated that that treatment was not appropriate to meet her needs at that time. We began working together in individual psychology sessions in March 2012 and I have continued to work with GP on an individual basis since then. We currently meet together on a weekly basis in the outpatients department.

GP has a history of low mood, anxiety, hopelessness, avoidance of seeking help or actively addressing problems, and self-harm. GP has reported that her self-harm has a variety of functions – sometimes her self-harm has been in order to gain a sense of control over her emotions or the demands she has faced in the environment, on other occasions it has been with the intent of dying. Due to family stressors, debt problems and the end of a long term relationship, GP's self-harm escalated in the summer of 2011. This led to her being detained under the Mental Health Act (1983) between August and October2011. After discharge GP continued to struggle and was admitted again under the Mental Health Act (1983) between November 2011 and July 2012. Initially GP found it difficult to engage with mental health services and these admissions were problematic, including periods in Psychiatric Intensive Care Units to manage the risks GP presented to herself. 

Since being discharged in July 2012 GP has had further admissions to hospital. All psychiatric admissions are listed below.

11^th August 2011 – 24 October 2011

17^th November 2011 – 31 July 2012

8^th October 2012 – 9^th October 2012

12^th October 2012 – 19^th October 2012

25^th October 2012 – 15^th November 2012

6^th April 2013 – 10^th April 2013.

It is important to note that admissions since October 2012 have been brief and informal (not under compulsion of the Mental Health Act – GP chose to be in hospital and was not detained at these times)(although I wasn't given much choice, I was basically told either go informally or we will section you). These admissions were with the purpose of supporting GP during periods of crisis as she learned to manage her self-harm independently.

To her credit GP has worked hard to understand the function of her self-harm and to reduce the frequency and severity of such acts. She has consistently engaged in psychology sessions to reflect upon her experiences and has increased her coping skills substantially. GP also has a community psychiatric nurse with whom she has worked since 2011 , a consultant psychiatrist and she has also worked with a number of occupational therapists. Her contact with these team members is less frequent than with myself. GP has recently been discharged from Occupational Therapy due to the progress that she has made. With that support and also in psychology sessions GP has developed a greater sense of agency and has markedly increased the activities that she engages in, including physical exercise.

GP's mood and sense of self has steadily improved since April 2013. Prior to this she found that she made some progress, but also that this would deteriorate at times. In April 2013 GP took a serious overdose and required admission to the medical Intensive Treatment Unit followed by a brief psychiatric admission. This precipitated a significant turning point for GP and she has since this time consolidated the gains that she made previously and is now more consistent and active in managing her mood and risk to self. GP does still occasionally report acts of self-harm, but these are relatively minor compared with what went before.(obviously I haven't told anyone about the swallowing of things - but that has been over a month now)

A significant and beneficial change that GP made was moving to her own flat in February 2013. Prior to this GP had been living with her parents. While living with her parents GP was somewhat isolated, spending long periods in her room avoiding contact with her parents. Since getting her own flat GP has been increasingly active in her recovery. GP has identified that in the past she had significant problems with avoidance of emotions and situations that triggered strong emotions.

During psychology sessions GP has worked hard to identify how her core beliefs, or schemas, have interfered with her achieving her life goals. GP is now addressing these issues proactively and has increased the range and frequency of activities she engages in. Her mood is now more stable and periods of low mood are less protracted, less threatening to her sense of self and she is more active in taking steps to improve her mood, e.g. through seeing friends and family, keeping on top of tasks such as house work and addressing her debt problems (GP's debt problems resulted from a period of low mood in which she spent money impulsively to try and improve her mood). In the past GP had drunk alcohol to try to improve her confidence and mood, but this often led to impulsive acts of self-harm. GP has worked hard for several months to limit her alcohol intake and she is now able to go out with friends and enjoy herself without drinking alcohol. GP has to my knowledge no problems with other drugs. I feel this bit makes me sound a bit like an alcoholic and perhaps that I take drugs but I don't have any problems with them.

GP's urges to and acts of self-harm have decreased in frequency, intensity and severity consistently since April 2013. While there were problems between October 2012 and April 2013, these were in my view a necessary part of her journey towards recovery as she learnt about her vulnerabilities and developed new ways of coping. She now reports feeling more confident in addressing any difficulties that she experiences, she is more able to take care of herself and seek and accept help as required.

I will remain as GP's clinical psychologist for the foreseeable future. We will review our work together in December 2013 and may agree to continue sessions after that if we agree that these would continue to be helpful. I also foresee that GP will have access to community mental health team support for the next year as a minimum. This support will include a community psychiatric nurse, consultant psychiatrist and crisis support.

 In the time that I have known GP she has consistently maintained that her studies at the University were not a significant problem in the mental health difficulties she had experienced. GP is in my opinion highly motivated to return to study and practice in training. While she is understandably anxious about the potential return to study (whether she will be allowed to return, whether she will be able to pass all assignments), she is in my view committed to completing the course. I have no concerns about any risks GP may present to others in practice because to my knowledge there are no grounds for concern. While GP’s experiences of mental health services have at times been less than ideal, she has maintained that this would not affect her judgement and she would signpost and make referrals to services as necessary. In our organisation, employees who have experience of using mental health services are welcomed on the basis that being an ‘expert by experience’ can enhance service delivery. I believe that in future, GP’s experience of mental health difficulties and using mental health services could enhance her practice as a social worker. For example, I have over the past year observed an increase in GP’s ability to reflect on her experiences and with support and guidance this will in my view enhance her ability to operate as a reflective practitioner.

It is my opinion that GP is currently fit to return to study and practice in training to be a social worker. It is my view that being able to work towards the goal of qualifying as a social worker will enhance GP’s recovery as it will give her purpose. Currently GP is keeping herself busy with leisure and intellectual interests and in my view this has formed a strong foundation to return to study. She is more able to set approach goals to address problems and challenges and is less likely to avoid difficulties as she did in the past. As avoidance was in the past a significant contributory factor in her difficulties, this indicates that GP is now coping differently and more effectively than she was in August 2011. I fully support GP in her application to return to study and commend her for the work that she has done to recover from the significant difficulties that she previously experienced.

Over all I am happy with what he has written. There are some bits I would have possibly not said, and I did ask him to take the bit about the OD in March/April out. But he said he felt it was necessary that we were transparent with what was being said and what was going on. 

Even though it's a good report and he fully supports me I have a really bad feeling about being able to go back to uni. I have a feeling that they are going to say no to me going back.While he does support me in going back I still have my worries. I got the feeling at the 3 way meeting with the course director and the psychologist that the course director was quite negative and had a few concerns. In the past they have come across as being all supportive and then turning round and saying basically the opposite. When I was first admitted back in the summer of 2011 they appeared that they couldn't be more helpful and told me to concentrate on my self and not to worry about the course as I would be able to go back. Then they contacted my psychiatrist and basically gave a whole list of reasons why they thought I shouldn't be going back to uni that year. Then basically being told I was unable to go back made me lose it big time and I ended up being readmitted only about 3 weeks after being discharged and being in for 9 months. So the possibility of being told I can't go back is a real big worry for me as I am worried it will make all those feelings come back and the suicidal feelings return. I am worried I am going to decline again and end up in the position I was in last time.

I worry that they will see that me being stable-ish since April isn't a long enough period of time. I worry that they will see the amount of admissions and worry about my stability. They only knew about the times I was under section and that ended in in August last year. 

Also, in the report he talks a lot about how it will be beneficial to my recovery in going back. I am not sure if it's the best thing to say or to place an emphasis on. It may well be beneficial to my recovery, but, I don't think they need to know that as it could look as though it is being said it's the only way in which I will recover and it could possibly look as though some of the blame is being given to uni. Maybe not, maybe it's just the way in which I am reading in to it. I sent it to my friend and she said I am reading too much in to it in terms of what it says about the alcohol, so I am probably doing it with that as well. 

I just don't feel positive about it at all. And I know if I am not allowed back it is not going to be good for my mental health. Obviously I will do what I can to prevent relapse, but this is going to be so huge that I am not sure if I will be able to cope. But can I say this to anyone? It may come across as being threatening and trying to manipulate the situation, and I'm not. I am just really worried.

I have a psychology session tomorrow. I am freaking a bit about it. I sent an email to the psychologist from an email account I don't regularly use and the sender name comes up as Golden Psych. I wasn't aware of that. So now I am worried that he will come across my blog. I don't think he is very tech savvy, but all he would need to do is google Golden Psych and up comes my blog in the search engines. The top 3 hits are to do with me and my blog. I do tell him most of the stuff I talk about, but he doesn't know about the extent of the self harm. And, I wouldn't want anyone I know reading my about my inner most thoughts. Some things need to remain private. Well, private in the blogosphere where over a 100 people read my blog a day. But none of you actually know the real 3D, breathing version of me. You don't have a correct mental image of me. You don't know who I am. There is no one I know who actually knows about the things I write in here. Friends have snippets, family have snippets (fewer than friends), ok my psych team know probably more than everyone else, but there are still things I like to remain private. So, I will see how things go. I think he would probably mention it if he did come across it, his line of questioning about the self harm would possibly change so I could probably figure out if he or anyone else did. Also, I can't see why he would want to read this. He spends an hour a week with me, I doubt he or anyone else would want to spend more time on me than they already do. They have other patients and other people who need their input, probably in all likeliness more than me.

The meeting with uni is on Wednesday. I am dreading it. I have been trying not to think about it too much as when I do the urges and bad feelings and thoughts start. So, yes, I am avoiding it. It is working for me though. I did find some old Diazepam in a drawer the other day. 10mg pills. They are some of the stash that I brought back from Asia with me 3 years ago. I thought I took them all in an OD 3 years ago but I found an unopened packet. I did take one the other day, but I am not sure if it had any affect. It is probably after its use by date now so perhaps they aren't as affective. But you would think that 10mg would have some affect on me, but I didn't notice anything. I also have PRN Quetiapine. 25mg. Shit. But they are there if I need it. I will probably take some before this meeting on Wednesday. Or half of the 300mg pills I have left over from when an old prescription got filled. I took one pill before going to the dentist last time and I was floating. It was brilliant. But at the same time I was falling asleep in the waiting room, so perhaps only half a pill is a good idea. 

I seem to have a lot to freak at at the moment. Uni being one. The other my physical health. I am seeing every little thing as all symptoms of what could be something serious. I talked about the problem with my eye possibly being something serious, possibly a tumor. I have the scans on the 13th September. Quite nervous about it. But my gyne problems are back as well. I thought with going back on the Metformin that it would sort it out. But it hasn't. I don't understand how for over 2 years the combination of Metformin and the pill helped and I didn't have any problems. So why are the problems back now. It has me worried that it could be something all related and that a tumor is causing my hormones to be all fucked up. I know I am crazy right. My body is really letting me down at the moment. 

So yeah I am stressing a bit at the moment. And yes, I am having quite strong self harm urges. The urge I am battling with right now is to swallow something. I am picturing the cupboard behind me where I know I have things. I am struggling to get it out my head. But I can't, I can't give in when the urges are strong. If I can't deal with this then how am I going to deal when I have 4 assignments due, a presentation to plan and a dissertation to write. 

Am I fooling myself? How the hell am I going to manage with this course?

I Want To Live. I Don't Want To Die.

It's taken a bit of a health scare to realise this. But I can now see that I want to go back to university. I want to qualify as a Social Worker. I want to work in mental health and go on to become an AMHP. I eventually want to get married. I want to have kids. I want to live my life.

Basically, this is what has happened...

Since April time I have had one pupil quite a bit larger than the other. When I saw an optician she pointed it out and said I should see my GP. I thought I would just be told it was the stress and was because of what I put my body through when I nearly died. But, the GP referred me to Opthamology. I was referred over 2 months ago and the appointment was today. I thought of cancelling it because I didn't really see it as much of an issue any more. But I decided to go to the appointment thinking I'll be in and out in 5 minutes.

The opthamologist looked at it and said it looked like something called Horner's Syndrome which could be indicative of respiritory track problems, including what's called a Pancoast Tumour. She said it was quite rare the Horner's syndrome but they would need to test for it. She said I wasn't really displaying typical symptoms of the syndrome but she would check for it. So she put some eye drops in and off I went for an hour while they did their job. I looked it up while I was off getting breakfast and didn't really think anything of it as there were a whole host of other symptoms with it and I only had one.

But, when I got back in the room, she tested my pupils again and said that there was a positive result for this Horner's syndrome. I was quite surprised. She said she didn't want to worry me too much but she was going to have to arrange for some scans, x-rays and blood tests as the Horner's Syndrome is acquired as a result of something else. These things include things like a Pancoast Tumour (a lung cancer), MS, Aortic Aneurysm, Thyroid Carcinoma, carotic artery dissection among a whole host of other problems. There could also be other things such as an infection (but being as though I have had a recent course of antibiotics that would be unlikely), trauma (again unlikely as I have not had any trauma to my neck). She said the Pancoast tumour is the biggest worry.

Of course it could be something as straight forward as Adie's Pupil of which there is no treatment but at the same time it doesn't cause any problems.

But she said she had to do the checks for everything.

It probably is nothing, but being told you are being tested for a possible lung cancer is worrying. I am trying to be positive, Yeah, I know I smoke, but I am not even 30. Surly too young for a lung cancer to develop, and I am not a heavy smoker. But, I did look it up. I know I probably shouldn't have done. But you want to know every possibility don't you. And it said some worrying things. Loss of voice is one of them. I have put it down to the trauma of being intubated while on ICU for a week. But that was nearly 5 months ago. I was told the affects of that would only last around 4 weeks, and yet my voice is still hoarse and not right. And it's stopped getting better. Maybe, what started as a side effect of the intubation is actually the result of something else? Also breathlessness is another one. I have noticed when I exert myself I am getting very wheezy and struggle. I thought maybe, and it possibly is asthma. I was told when I was younger I had it and maybe it's just that flaring up. Also, I smoke so I am probably going to get wheezy when I really exert myself. But, saying that, even in the past when I have been more unfit and bigger I was never as bad as I have been recently.

I suppose when you read something scary about something that's a possibility you attribute every thing wrong with you to it don't you? It is probably nothing and I am getting worried about nothing or something just routine. Is it human nature to think the worst or is it just me being pessimistic?

Another thing that is really getting to me is if it is one of those Pancoast tumours, then survival rates are historically not that fantastic. Usually less than 50% of people survive 5 years past diagnosis. So, if it is that it could be fatal. And look how much of my life I have have wasted and how many times have I tried to actually kill myself.

Yes, I know it's probably nothing and I am probably being over dramatic.

So, uni stuff.

I have had an email saying that my fitness to practice assessment will be on the 4th September and I need to write a report for it it. They want to know the dates I have been in hospital and what I am doing now. I was really hoping they wouldn't ask me that. I was hoping they would just be asking me why I thought I was ready to go back and what help I was getting now. I didn't want them to know that I have been in hospital relatively recently. I just hope they don't question what lead up to the admissions. How can I put a positive spin on I took a massive overdose, I was in a coma for a week and very nearly died and only a few months ago. Oh and then I discharged myself from the hospital as I thought I knew better. And it's not the first time I have discharged myself as back in October I was in for a week, discharged myself after a large OD and ended up back in only a few days later after 2 136's and another OD which again nearly killed me.

So that put me in a bit of a spin last Tuesday and got very emotional over it all. I got very pessimistic over it thinking what was the point and that I should just give in and not bother as I wasn't going to get back on the course anyway.

My family haven't exactly been the most supportive over it. They say things like that maybe I am not cut out for it and I shouldn't be doing it. I should do something in the travel industry as I like travelling etc. I do, but working in it involves sales usually which I do not want to do. I want to be a social worker. I want to work in mental health. I went and did my A levels 11 years ago in Psychology because I wanted to work in the mental health field. I wanted to do it even before my own problems started. I don't want to do anything else.

So, I am in a bit of a mess. I am not self harming and the urges aren't strong. But I am feeling quite stressed and a bit all over the place. I just want to get everything sorted out. I want to do the course and I want to live  my life as I planned to live it all those years ago!

Don't Want To Boast Too Soon But...

Things have improved since last week. Yay. Bit tentative about it at the moment as could just be the last couple of days I have had. To say last week I was really struggling with the urges and I was in a right mess. Well, it's not like that now. I wouldn't say I am happy. But, things have levelled out on more of an even keel.

It's not as though I have done anything different, it's just got better.

I asked my CPN about going back on Quetiapine on Thursday. I spoke on the phone to her on Friday, she said she had spoken to Dr T and he had said he would prescribe a weeks worth as PRN at a max of 25mg a day. I laughed. I was on 300mg a day before. 25mg will do nothing. I said I'd try it though as was better than nothing. But then I forgot all about it on Friday and didn't go and get it. I was a bit worried that I wouldn't have any thing over the weekend and there was no one to speak to other than crisis team. But as it turned out I didn't need it.

I started to feel better Friday evening and I had a pretty chilled weekend. I saw friends Saturday night and we all got in to bed and watched a film while gorging on fruit. And Sunday I went for a walk up a big hill in the countryside. I found it really hard work, really strenuous and could only go about 10 paces before stopping, and it was a bit of a scramble but I was determined to get to the top. I was quite proud of myself when I looked up the walk I did when I got home and it is classed as strenuous. For me it really was, but for normal people it would have been a lot easier. But yeah, I felt good for doing it. And I was rewarded with nice views from the top.

Each evening I have had a nice healthy dinner, cleaned up, got in my PJ's early and put a film on. I have been in bed early with a book. A part from the horrible awake nightmare/hallucination on Friday night which really freaked me out. I have had a few these last couple of weeks which have bothered me, but this was more real. Usually they are things like faces in the window, or inanimate things coming to life. This was something real and it scared me even more so than usual.

But, I have slept better and I feel better.

I am quite happy as my down time only lasted a couple of weeks and I seem to be coming out of it already. It's quite a fast turn around for me.

Don't get me wrong, I am not back to normal completely. I am still having quite bad urges. But the last couple of days I haven't been over taken by them they have been dealt with quite easily. I do now have regret about my cutting last week. I am reminded by it all the time as of the amount of stitches I have. I did all but one of them over old scars to reduce further scaring. But, I did it and that is what is important. I feel let down with myself and I do regret doing it.

I don't feel bad about it when I swallow stuff. I know that could potentially cause me more damage and even kill me, but I never feel bad about it. It doesn't leave any mark. Well, except the huge scar on my stomach going from navel to chest from where I had to have emergency surgery. But that was once and there has been numerous times.

Yes, I have a weird fucked up mind don't I?!

Meeting With CPN

So, I met with my CPN yesterday. It was kind of helpful. I told her how I had been feeling. Also that I had self harmed the night before. She asked how I was feeling about doing it. I said I felt a bit weird. In a way I was feeling bad because I wasn't feeling bad about it. Usually after I get feelings of remorse and there wasn't any this time, or the time before.

I told her how I was worried that all of this was going to screw up my chances of being able to go back to uni. She said she wondered if there was some unconscious thing going off in that I was in a way sabotaging it. She said at the moment it was all out of my control, that these decisions are being made and there is nothing I can really do about it. By me self harming etc it is giving me back some control and that if I do get a no it will be because of something I have done. Well, I think it went like that anyway.

She said I had a lot of stuff going on at the moment so it was not that surprising I wasn't feeling great. I was putting it down to not sleeping and a heavy week on the drink while I was on holiday. But she said I had got all this stuff with uni, my debts and stuff with my family. This on top of not sleeping, it's no surprise I am struggling.

I said I was really annoyed as I feel as though I am getting somewhere and on the road to recovery, hadn't self harmed in over a month and had no urges to and then it all seems as though I am back where I started and I was worried things would spiral again. I didn't say it, but I know how this usually works for me. It starts off feeling crap, the self harm starts and then after a while the suicidal feelings return. It happens every time. She said I wasn't back where I started and I had changed in the last couple of years. She said a couple of years ago I wasn't able to attribute anything to the self harm or feeling like I was, but now I could see patterns. I said that other people may see that, but to me all I see is that I feel the same as I was then and that is all that mattered to me. While that may be the case, I still feel like I did and that is what is important.

I asked about going back on Quetiapine. She asked why and I said that while I am on it I seem to feel a bit calmer and less impulsive. She said she wasn't sure about it as when I was on it, historically the self harm and suicide attempts were still happening. So she wasn't sure if that would help. She started saying how they all felt that medication was not the answer. I said yes, I agreed with that but it helped, so why not? I know it's not going to fix everything but if it helps then why not try it. It's not as though it's causing me any damage is it?

So she said she would see me next week as I am not seeing the psychologist for another couple of weeks. But I realised after I probably won't be able to make the appointment as I have told my friend I would pick her up from the airport and I don't want to let her down. I have tried calling her this morning to see if I can change it, but I doubt I will be able to change it.

So I went on a date last night. It was awful. I think I am going to give up and become a crazy cat lady. I already have the crazy lady bit sorted, just need to get a few cats now!

Today I am going to try and force myself to go to the gym. I feel gross and need to exercise, but I really can't be arsed. Also I am not sure if I can with the stitches. I've got more than 20 in my legs at the moment and not sure if I should be exercising.

Anyway, that's all I have to say really.

Ciao

And Again.

I couldn't help it. The urges became far too much and so I ended up cutting again, requiring stitches again. I went to the walk in centre, I didn't know they could suture there. Much more a pleasant experience compared to going to the hospital. I was in and out in 45 minutes. I obviously don't think it's an easy option and that I am more likely to cut knowing how easier it is going there. But if I do do it again, it will be where I go. Although the nurse was a bit unsure about it as of the depth, she said I had gone really deep and had nearly hit muscle.

I did call my CPN earlier as I was struggling so much. She said I should make an appointment with my GP to make sure nothing physical is going on because I am feeling so run down. There's not. It is just lack of sleep and drinking quite a lot while I was on holiday.

She said I need to be kind to myself and do nice things for myself. She said I knew that there was not one thing that would make me feel better but if I am kind to myself and do nice things then perhaps each little thing could help a bit. I don't really know what nice things to do? I can't eat chocolate as I am dieting, I also don't fancy any any way (I must be ill).

She said I need to think about uni and if I start self harming regularly again how it is going to impact their decision on supporting me to go back to uni. I said when I feel such intense feelings about cutting that doesn't really come in to it as I can only see the short term gains and not the long term losses.

I spent about 30 minutes on the phone to her. While she couldn't help in a particular way I did find it useful talking to her as it just enabled to me to speak to a physical person about how I am feeling and to get my feelings off my chest. I ended up in tears saying how it was hitting me really hard as I hadn't self harmed in over a month and had very few urges and then all of a sudden...BAM! They are back with vengeance. I felt I was finally getting somewhere, I was feeling good and then all of a sudden I feel as though I am back where I was. She said I need to hold on to the fact that things were good and they can be again. That I know they can be and it's not impossible. I suppose she has a point. She also said that I have to remember I have come a long way from where I was. That things have been so much worse and that I am coping with things quite well. What I didn't say was how worried I was that things could be heading that way again.

And what if they do now turn round and withdraw their support over me going back to uni. How is that going to make me feel if I can't go back. I will feel like such a failure. At the moment what is keeping me going, and keeping me reserved in what I am doing to self harm, and what is keeping me a little positive is the whole going back to uni in September. It is what I am living for. What if that is taken away from me. I can see things spiralling again, feeling suicidal again. Not wanting to live. Feeling as though I have failed at yet another thing.

I could hide the fact that I cut tonight. But, sooner or later she will find out about it anyway as they will be contacting my GP who will share that information with them. So is there any point in hiding it if it is going to come out sooner or later? Probably not.

Yet again, I don't have any remorse over cutting. Maybe if it hadn't have been so easy getting sorted about again I would do. In the past I have been to my local hospital which brings about a lot of anxiety in me. Then I get the come down off the anxiety and feel crap. Maybe if I didn't leave myself with any other option than of going to the local hospital I would not do it. So perhaps having a couple of drinks to put me over the limit so I can't drive. Doing it at night so I can't access the walk in centre. OK, drinking is not a good idea really is it? I get more impulsive when I drink and it is usually of a much worse harm.

Any ideas for me here? Input would be appreciated.

Anyway, I am rattling on here.

But please comment and give me some tips that would make it less easy. I need to keep razors in though as of being able to shave my bits etc.

Urges Are Strong

I am having major urges again. I slept about 5 hours last night waking from a nightmare about a psychopath who was trying to kill me. That's what you get from reading about psychopaths just before going to sleep I suppose. After the fear from the nightmare had subsided I started getting urges.

I have the final appointment with my OT today. I am not sure how much detail to go in to with her.

I have been asked out on a date tonight. I have kind of screwed it all up as I won't be able to take my clothes off in front of anyone for a while as would be pretty obvious that they are fresh wounds. The previous wound from February has only just healed. Nearly 6 months for it to heal. That's not good is it. And now I have 4 new wounds with stitches in. I paid to join this site, that was a waste of money wasn't it?

I don't really want to go tonight. I want to stay in and cut. I have even looked up whether or not you can get stitches at a walk in centre. I have also looked up how far away the ED's are in different cities so I don't need to go to my local one (my old neighbour is consultant there) and I don't have to go to the one I went to last night.

I am not sure what to do now. The urges are in over drive and I really can't cope with them.