So, I met with my CPN yesterday. It was kind of helpful. I told her how I had been feeling. Also that I had self harmed the night before. She asked how I was feeling about doing it. I said I felt a bit weird. In a way I was feeling bad because I wasn't feeling bad about it. Usually after I get feelings of remorse and there wasn't any this time, or the time before.
I told her how I was worried that all of this was going to screw up my chances of being able to go back to uni. She said she wondered if there was some unconscious thing going off in that I was in a way sabotaging it. She said at the moment it was all out of my control, that these decisions are being made and there is nothing I can really do about it. By me self harming etc it is giving me back some control and that if I do get a no it will be because of something I have done. Well, I think it went like that anyway.
She said I had a lot of stuff going on at the moment so it was not that surprising I wasn't feeling great. I was putting it down to not sleeping and a heavy week on the drink while I was on holiday. But she said I had got all this stuff with uni, my debts and stuff with my family. This on top of not sleeping, it's no surprise I am struggling.
I said I was really annoyed as I feel as though I am getting somewhere and on the road to recovery, hadn't self harmed in over a month and had no urges to and then it all seems as though I am back where I started and I was worried things would spiral again. I didn't say it, but I know how this usually works for me. It starts off feeling crap, the self harm starts and then after a while the suicidal feelings return. It happens every time. She said I wasn't back where I started and I had changed in the last couple of years. She said a couple of years ago I wasn't able to attribute anything to the self harm or feeling like I was, but now I could see patterns. I said that other people may see that, but to me all I see is that I feel the same as I was then and that is all that mattered to me. While that may be the case, I still feel like I did and that is what is important.
I asked about going back on Quetiapine. She asked why and I said that while I am on it I seem to feel a bit calmer and less impulsive. She said she wasn't sure about it as when I was on it, historically the self harm and suicide attempts were still happening. So she wasn't sure if that would help. She started saying how they all felt that medication was not the answer. I said yes, I agreed with that but it helped, so why not? I know it's not going to fix everything but if it helps then why not try it. It's not as though it's causing me any damage is it?
So she said she would see me next week as I am not seeing the psychologist for another couple of weeks. But I realised after I probably won't be able to make the appointment as I have told my friend I would pick her up from the airport and I don't want to let her down. I have tried calling her this morning to see if I can change it, but I doubt I will be able to change it.
So I went on a date last night. It was awful. I think I am going to give up and become a crazy cat lady. I already have the crazy lady bit sorted, just need to get a few cats now!
Today I am going to try and force myself to go to the gym. I feel gross and need to exercise, but I really can't be arsed. Also I am not sure if I can with the stitches. I've got more than 20 in my legs at the moment and not sure if I should be exercising.
Anyway, that's all I have to say really.