Wednesday, 7 August 2013

And Again.

I couldn't help it. The urges became far too much and so I ended up cutting again, requiring stitches again. I went to the walk in centre, I didn't know they could suture there. Much more a pleasant experience compared to going to the hospital. I was in and out in 45 minutes. I obviously don't think it's an easy option and that I am more likely to cut knowing how easier it is going there. But if I do do it again, it will be where I go. Although the nurse was a bit unsure about it as of the depth, she said I had gone really deep and had nearly hit muscle.

I did call my CPN earlier as I was struggling so much. She said I should make an appointment with my GP to make sure nothing physical is going on because I am feeling so run down. There's not. It is just lack of sleep and drinking quite a lot while I was on holiday.

She said I need to be kind to myself and do nice things for myself. She said I knew that there was not one thing that would make me feel better but if I am kind to myself and do nice things then perhaps each little thing could help a bit. I don't really know what nice things to do? I can't eat chocolate as I am dieting, I also don't fancy any any way (I must be ill).

She said I need to think about uni and if I start self harming regularly again how it is going to impact their decision on supporting me to go back to uni. I said when I feel such intense feelings about cutting that doesn't really come in to it as I can only see the short term gains and not the long term losses.

I spent about 30 minutes on the phone to her. While she couldn't help in a particular way I did find it useful talking to her as it just enabled to me to speak to a physical person about how I am feeling and to get my feelings off my chest. I ended up in tears saying how it was hitting me really hard as I hadn't self harmed in over a month and had very few urges and then all of a sudden...BAM! They are back with vengeance. I felt I was finally getting somewhere, I was feeling good and then all of a sudden I feel as though I am back where I was. She said I need to hold on to the fact that things were good and they can be again. That I know they can be and it's not impossible. I suppose she has a point. She also said that I have to remember I have come a long way from where I was. That things have been so much worse and that I am coping with things quite well. What I didn't say was how worried I was that things could be heading that way again.

And what if they do now turn round and withdraw their support over me going back to uni. How is that going to make me feel if I can't go back. I will feel like such a failure. At the moment what is keeping me going, and keeping me reserved in what I am doing to self harm, and what is keeping me a little positive is the whole going back to uni in September. It is what I am living for. What if that is taken away from me. I can see things spiralling again, feeling suicidal again. Not wanting to live. Feeling as though I have failed at yet another thing.

I could hide the fact that I cut tonight. But, sooner or later she will find out about it anyway as they will be contacting my GP who will share that information with them. So is there any point in hiding it if it is going to come out sooner or later? Probably not.

Yet again, I don't have any remorse over cutting. Maybe if it hadn't have been so easy getting sorted about again I would do. In the past I have been to my local hospital which brings about a lot of anxiety in me. Then I get the come down off the anxiety and feel crap. Maybe if I didn't leave myself with any other option than of going to the local hospital I would not do it. So perhaps having a couple of drinks to put me over the limit so I can't drive. Doing it at night so I can't access the walk in centre. OK, drinking is not a good idea really is it? I get more impulsive when I drink and it is usually of a much worse harm.

Any ideas for me here? Input would be appreciated.

Anyway, I am rattling on here.

But please comment and give me some tips that would make it less easy. I need to keep razors in though as of being able to shave my bits etc.


Anonymous said...

just be hairy! its better than being permanantly scarred or even dead! do you think there is a possibilty there maybe some self sabotage here re uni?
there are some good self help groups on the tinternet have a look, and keep talking to your CCO it sounds like talking helps.
good luck

Golden Psych said...

Got loads of scars aleady so that's not an issue. But yeah, better than being dead.

It's not conscious self sabatage, but yeah you could be right. In some ways if they tell me I can't go back, the failure is out of my hands isn't it. It's not like I go back and fail because I haven't done the work or I mess up, then it's my fault. If they say I can't go back it takes some of the ownership away from me.

It is something I want though, although I am questioning my own ability to do it.

Bluebadgerr said...

Hi lovely,
You wanted some support from the FB group and I just wanted to send you some warm hugs. I hope you're feeling slightly better today. I too struggle with self harm and cutting sometimes feels like the only way to release some built up anger, frustration and sadness/guilt. I try calling my CPN and I guess my CPN said pretty much the same as yours and said if I did start cutting regularly again then the support would be harder when I to go back to uni to train to be a mental health nurse.

When you 'treat' yourself - what sort of things would you consider yourself to be treated to? Could you maybe go and do some kind things to yourself such as getting your hair done or nails painted. Or even buy a face mask and light some candles and just chill out in front of the tv or your room with some soothing music? Are you familiar with any aspect of Mindfullness? Or even grounding? I sometimes find self soothing and using your 5 senses to help you calm yourself and focus on your breathing can be a very useful tool to prevent your emotions escalating to the point you feel is unbearable and resort back to your default coping mechanism. From your post; it's quite obvious you are looking for help and support and that is great and I hope things improve a bit for you atleast. Don't give up! You can get through this.

When they say about 'withdrawing' their support is there a specific reason for this? If your making progress from the sounds of it you are then your bound to have some slip ups and blips? Why would they stop supporting you at a time when it's very obvious you need the support?

You say you don't have any remorse to cutting and I can understand this as this is a way of coping! But perhaps you could try different things before landing yourself in the same situations for example making it harder for yourself to cut for example hiding your cutting utensils below things that might self soothe you first?

Have you ever made or tried making a calm box? Like have stuff for senses and things for example hide your blades in an envelope at the bottom of this box and then put things in the box on top of it like pictures of happy times, quotes you like, letters that make you happy, stuff for your senses lied scented candles, play doh, music etc so you have to go through all those first before getting to your blades?