I think the reason why I had dealt with everything so well so far was because I hadn't had time to really think about it and have it sink in. Since Wednesday I have barely spent any time on my own. I have not really had time to go over things. Now it has sunk in. And so I have crashed a bit this afternoon.
I am having massive urges to self harm, I am having suicidal urges. I have had some urges since Wednesday but they have been more fleeting. These are staying with me a bit more. I can't act on them. I can't. But then on the other hand I am unsure of how I am going to deal with them.
I did see my psychologist today. I am not sure if talking about it more has made me feel like this or what? Possibly. That would indicate to me that I haven't been dealing with it so far and that I have been avoiding it. I did say this to him earlier. That I didn't know if I was avoiding it or just dealing with it well. I can't actually remember what he said.
I did say that I am trying to be practical about it and not get bogged down with the feelings as I am worried I will drown in feelings over it and then not be able to cope. So, I have tried not to think about what it means or how it makes me feel. I need them to numb before I can deal with them so that they are less intense.
I know I am doing some things better than I have in the past. I know in the past I would have ended up getting drunk and then self harming. But, not all planned. I would get drunk to avoid how I was feeling thinking it would make me feel better and then it not work and because I am drunk end up self harming impulsively. I know that if I have a drink I won't just stop at 1. I will end up getting pissed and doing something as I won't be able to cope with the urge while I am drunk and I won't care that in me self harming it is making their point even stronger.
But, there is a big part of me that is thinking fuck it, I'll just do that, to hell with the consequences. I am tempted now to go and get some alcohol from the shop and to down that. But, I have not drunk in about 6 weeks now. I am trying to be healthier and I am trying to lose weight, by not drinking it is making it a lot easier. I can tell that I have lost weight and I look a lot better for it. I am nearly up to having lost 2 stone now. So, I don't want to blow that by drinking. Actually it is more that than anything actually. I think if I wasn't so conscious of trying to lose weight, I would have already have got hammered by now.
I will see how things go the next couple of days and if I am still struggling I will call my CPN and speak to her about it.
I was telling my psychologist how pissed off I was about it and how I felt let down by the uni. It really annoys me as the main reason they have said no is because the agencies said they wouldn't be in a position to offer me a placement at the moment. Well, I am not looking for a placement at the moment, that will be in February. I know at the moment, April is not that long a go to have been in recovery, but by February it will have been 10 months. I am almost positive if I was an employee and off work, they would be encouraging me to go back as soon as possible. So, why are they being like that with this.
They are right though, I am not ready to go back. I said I had my doubts and I didn't think I was ready. But, it still feels like shit. I also expected it. So then why has it sent my urges in to over drive? Why have the suicidal thoughts come back. I am not planning anything, I have not made any plans at all. But the niggling thoughts are there. I am OK with them at the moment, but I know from past experience that there is only so much of them I can take before they do start to become plans.
I was supposed to go see Dr T today, my consultant psychiatrist. I cancelled the appointment though. I couldn't face it. I have been away for the last couple of days and drove back this morning. The appointment with the doctor was supposed to have been 20 minutes after the psychology one and on the other side of the city. I thought I would be pushing it. I didn't want to feel as though I was rushing the psychology appointment so I thought I would ask if I could make it later, but I couldn't, so I just told them to cancel it and send me another through the post. I actually bumped into the doctor on the way in to the psychology appointment. That was awkward. I explained to my psychologist that I knew I would be driving back today and that I would be knackered. I hadn't spent any time at home over the last few days and wanted to get back home. And there was also the reason that I couldn't face it as I felt at the appointments I wasn't being listened to my opinion over anything didn't matter and that anything I said was usually interpreted wrong. I feel quite wound up after appointments so I thought it was best if I cancelled. He asked why I didn't say anything to him and that I should. Typical me really. I won't. He said he hoped I didn't feel like that with him and that if I thought he interpreted things wrong I would say. I don't feel like that with him so that's good. It's the opposite, I get all muddled and inarticulate about how I am feeling or thinking and he gives it some order and makes it make more sense to me.
Another thing we looked a bit was the schema of failure. I said I felt crap as I felt I had to justify myself to other people over this and in some way they were blaming me. I feel paranoid people are thinking badly of me for not going on to do the course. He was trying to say I will get a lot out of this year in terms of skills and personal growth. While that may be the case, that isn't good enough for me. I want more. I want to get my career. I want to move on. Then, there are the people who don't know what I have been going through in the last few years. What do I say to them? What are they going to think of me. He was trying to tell me other people's perceptions don't matter, but they really do. I felt I could have said more on this but sometimes I lose track of where I am going with things and I forget. The people in particular here are my ex's family. I have got back in contact with them only in the last few months. They know I started the course in 2010 and they know I haven't finished it yet as of taking time away. They were expecting me to go back this year. How do I explain that? I can't tell them the real reason. But any other reason just looks as though I am doing a typical me and avoiding hard work and wanting the easy life. How people perceive me is very important to me. It's a massive thing and in not being able to go back to uni it's really causing me to start getting massive anxieties about that.
So that's the psych stuff.
I had a bit of a email conversation with my ex last week. It went fine and I am ok about it. But he told me something and I am not sure whether or not to tell my friend. Basically, one of my now best friend's is my ex's best mate's now ex. It's pretty obvious she still has strong feelings towards him. When she was pregnant she was quite weird about it in case he found out as she didn't want him to know. Her current bloke is a bit of a knob, well, he is a knob, but that is a whole other story. Anyway, in speaking to my ex last week he told me that her ex is getting married in November. I am not sure what to do.
I spoke to my Mum and my Mum said don't say anything, what she doesn't know won't hurt her. I spoke to my friends about it, they said I should tell her. They said there's a couple of reasons why. The first being is that it could help her move on from him. Also, the second being a long the lines of that although he is the one getting married, she could hold it against me for not telling her and it could put a strain on our friendship. I really don't know what to do. She has an idea that he is with someone else but she has no idea how serious it is. I keep thinking about how felt when I found out my ex was with someone else, I was gutted. it really affected me. But it was only a few weeks after we had broke up from a 9 year relationship. I was really upset when I found out she had moved in. That was because we had chosen that house together and I had lived there as my home. When the cat died I was really upset and had bad feelings towards her, as he was my cat. But, when I found out they were engaged and were going to get married I wasn't overly that bothered. When I found out she had broken up with him, I did feel bad for him. But at the same time there was a bit of me that felt spiteful that he knew what it was like to lose someone you loved when it wasn't your choice. Also, I compare his girlfriends to myself and looking for negative qualities in them, like for instance I am prettier than her etc etc etc. I know I am a bitch.
But please help me here, what should I do, how should I approach it and what should I say?
Answers on a post card please....