"If you could just give me a sign, just a subtle little glimmer,
Some suggestion that you'd have me if I could only make me better,
Then I would stand a little stronger as I walk a little taller all the time.
Because I know you are a cynic but I think I can convince you,
Because broken people can get better if they really want to,
Or at least that's what I have to tell myself if I am hoping to survive".
What exactly is recovery?
This was the main topic of today's session with my psychologist.
He said that he thinks that it is early days and I am now heading in to recovery. I am less passive and I have taken ownership. He said something along the lines of that when he first met me I had a fuck off to everyone attitude and that I didn't think anything was wrong with me and that if the were so intent on thinking that there was something wrong then they were the ones who had to fix it.
I wanted to take a medical approach to it all in that give me medication and that will cure me. That if we just found the right medication then I would be cured. I didn't need to do anything, let the others do it.
I do now understand that what I do has an impact on how I am. I know that there is not one thing that will make me better. Medication won't fix me. Yes, it helps, but it is not a cure. I need to ensure that I sleep. That I take care of myself. We then got on to this subject.
He asked me if I had done anything nice for myself to give myself a pat on the back for managing this whole thing so well. I said not. Well not consciously. He said I needed to. I need to treat myself and tell myself I am doing so because I deserve it.
I didn't say anything. But I can't do that. I don't deserve it. I know it's only going to be a matter of time before I screw up and give in (I have, but more on that in a minute). Then I will feel bad as I have failed yet again. And it's stupid that I don't feel I can say this as if I had made some headway with someone and then they come out with this I would just feel so frustrated and pissed off that they said this. So, I keep my mouth shut instead.
I am expecting failure. I am expecting to not succeed in all of this. At the moment I have feelings as though I don't belong. OK, so at the moment my thought patterns are different, perhaps I am heading into recovery. But, I feel as though I don't belong. It's all an act. I am fooling myself.
And you know the stupid thing. The stupid thing is that even though I am aware of all these ridiculous thoughts. How they manifest and at times why they are there. I still go and give in to the urge and go and swallow something just like I have done this evening. I don't know why, but, talking about this, talking today has really triggered me.
I didn't come straight home after the appointment. And I was feeling ok. I got home, had dinner and watched a bit of TV. Then I started writing this and all of a sudden I had this urge to scream, shout, punch something, I had a massive wave of anxiety. Then before I knew it, I had swallowed a nail. There wasn't even any time for me to assess things. I just did it. But, that is not enough. I am now trying to suppress the urge to cut. What is stopping me? Well, I do really quite like that guy. I don't want to have more fresh scars. I don't want to have to do the explaining. I am already freaking about it now. How am I going to explain it all. There will come a point when they will ask. What if they ask too soon into the relationship? What do I say, the truth will scare them off. My plan was to tell them a half truth after a few weeks. That SH was something I did when I was younger. Then a few months down the line tell them the full truth. When they can see that there is more to me than a person who self harms. More than a person with mental health problems.
I don't know if I articulated it well enough today. But I said that I had kind of accepted that recovery for me is not going to be being free of self harm, being free of suicidal thoughts, being free of the debilitating low moods. Until recently I had been after a cure. To not experience these feelings. To not experience it at all. It's what I want. But I am not going to get that. And that is a real disappointment. That is actually making me feel shit. I don't want to still have all these feelings. For so long I had thought that recovery for me would be a cure. To not have them. I didn't think that recovery would still be feeling the same feelings, having the same thoughts, the only difference would be how I deal with it. I don't want that. It's not how I want to live my life.
This realisation of this is making me feel bad. This realisation is making me have worse thoughts and worse feelings. It is not progress as the psychologist said it was. It has knocked me back.
I know these thoughts and feelings are really disjointed, really not that normal. That, in me having them is a knock back in itself.
I had all these illusions of being cured. Of leading a normal life. Of being normal. It was what I was working so hard towards. And I'm not going to get that. It would seem that the best I could hope for is that they will still be there, they will still be a part of my life but I will be able to live with them. Well, I don't want that. I don't want to live with them. I don't want to be like this. Because, at the end of the day, I will still be the same. I will still be feeling the same feelings, having the same thoughts. How will I be any happier? Fighting with the urges is hard work. It wears me down. It does get to the stage where I have suicidal thoughts and in the past I have acted on these. So basically I am just going to carry on living my life in spirals of moods. Ups and downs. These are not going to get better. It's just that perhaps I won't be as destructive and seriously self harm. And really, I am not bothered about the self harm unless it leaves scars. So why not carry on swallowing things. It doesn't affect anyone. I am not turning up at the ED needing stitches and time. I am not being a drain on anyone. OK, if something goes wrong, then yes, it will take up resources. But what are the chances. I have swallowed things so many times now. More times than I can count. Probably more times than I have cut. And there has only been the 1 time where something has gone wrong. So no, I don't see it as a huge problem. If it helps just that little bit then why not continue to do it.
And you know what. I don't feel as though I can say anything about this. Because all I can see is people getting frustrated with me and getting pissed off at me. Because in all honesty, if I was in their position, if I had put so much time and effort in to someone and finally thought we were getting somewhere, I would be furious. I would feel so pissed off. And it's those stupid schemas going in to overdrive again that caring so much about what people think of me is too important to me. I'm mad aren't I? I can even see myself what I am doing, yet it still continues. It's all crazy and fucked up shit!
I don't know where this has all come from. I haven't taken my meds properly in a week as I ran out and I keep forgetting to go to the doctors to get more. But I don't really see how much of an affect what the meds could have. I'm on a stupid dose which is probably more sugar than anything else.
Maybe it's just coming to this sucky conclusion which has done it all.
I'm just quite fucked off with it all really.