Monday, 16 September 2013

Worried I am Sinking.

I'm a bit worried about my mood. It's dipping quite a bit and that motivation to do anything has gone. I am also having quite a few self harm urges, there has also been the suicidal thoughts.

Maybe it's the turn in the weather. I noticed I did start to feel quite a bit better once the weather was getting warmer and it was sunny. It's now getting cold and miserable. I hope it's not that as it could mean I am in for a tough 6 months.

I have been going on a few dates from the dating site. I have been on a second date with one of them, having a third this week. Although, I can't say I am overly keen on him. I don't get butterflies when I am with him. I don't have that buzz. He's a nice enough guy, I don't mind spending time with him. But I am not feeling that spark. I am trying to take what my friends say on board. In that I am not 17 any more and you don't get that initial buzz like you do with your first love. That relationships develop. So, being as though he is not awful, I am going to stick with it.

But, saying that I did meet someone last week who I did really like and I felt a buzz about him. So, I don't know if that theory my friends have is right. I am seeing him again this week.

I am also aware of what it says in my schema therapy book. It says to avoid relationships where there is that buzz of chemistry as it could be a wrong relationship and be too intense and be the wrong person for me. But, it's only been one date. I may be really annoyed by him next time I see him. So, I think I just need to keep my options open.

I am not desperate to find someone. But, it has been over 2 years since I had any kind of relationship with anyone. I want to meet new people, I want to have someone to go to gigs and comedy with. Spend time with. To cuddle on the sofa while watching a film. I suppose, I am quite lonely. My friends are all loved up or have kids. So, it doesn't leave much really. I am also looking in to joining more social groups as well as I want to meet more girl friends and just also broaden my group of friends. It's even more important to me now I am not going back to Uni this year. I don't want to be going clubbing etc anymore. I don't want to be going out and getting pissed at the weekend. So, it doesn't really leave me with a lot as my friends who are single, want to do that.

I have a psychology session tomorrow. Not sure what I want to talk about in it. I want him to take the lead with it. We are meant to be doing this schema therapy but I don't think we have done anything schema related in about 3 months. It's all been about uni and then I have been away, or he has been away. I can see how this schema therapy would work for me, so I want to get on with it. I need to make changes. I think I am doing better than I have been in a long time. I think I am coming to the realisation that I will never get rid of these mood dips, the lows etc etc etc. It's always going to be part of my life. But, what will change is how I deal with them. How I approach them. Since I started getting unwell when I was in my early 20's, I always saw recovery as not getting the low periods. Being stable. But now I realise, I am not going to get that. I am probably always going to get the low periods, the higher periods, the self harm urges, the suicidal thoughts. In a way, that in itself is quite disheartening. I wanted to not have the extremes. But, I suppose part of recovery is coming to terms with the fact that that is not going to happen.

That's not to say it doesn't suck though.

Just wanted to have a bit of a brain splurge tonight and get down my thoughts that were going round. This doesn't really flow properly or anything but I needed to get it out.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Hey Golden!

I love the way you explain that you are going to work on acceptance of mood variations! Not that your mood will have the exact trajectory as neurotypicals,but just realizing this at more than an intellectual level is huge,imho. Keep going. You don't have to act on the urges. Take great care!!