I'm a bit of a mess and the urges are in overdrive. But I am determined not to act on them as that would mean that I couldn't cope and that they would be right to say I can't go back to uni.
I had a psychology session today. He said I am being very pessimistic about it and I am coming across that I don't want to go back. I do. I want it more than anything. I think I want it too much. It is that wanting it too much that increases my worries about what will happen if they say no. I can see the worst happening which would be putting me back to right where I started and not being able to get out of it. Ending up back in hospital and ending up back on a PICU as I can't keep myself safe.
I have worked so hard to get to where I am now. OK, things are not great. I am not better, perhaps I never will be, but I am being able to live with it a lot better. I have more understanding and when I am in a bad place and I am struggling, I am able to do more to be able to do things to bring myself out of it. But that takes so much effort and energy. Knowing what it has taken and how much of me it has taken to get here, if I did end up back where I started, I am not sure if I could bring myself out of it. I can't go through it all all over again.
He said if I wanted he could take it out of my control and call them tomorrow saying I am not ready to go back. That way it could stop me from internalising it. He asked me what would happen if I were not able to go back, in terms of how I would feel. I told him I would feel let down with myself, that I hadn't met my own expectations, that I hadn't met the expectations of others and over all that I have failed. If I do get ill again over it I will have let other people down. I will be a disappointment.
I can't deal with that.
He said I am internalising it all. That I feel it is all about what I have done if I am not allowed to go back. But it is. It's not as though it's one person making the decision. If it was I could possibly turn round and blame someone else. But no, this is all about me and what I have done. I only have myself to blame.
I know I am being so negative. I need to try and be more positive. He said that if they were going to say no straight out that they wouldn't be putting me through the panel and giving me the opportunity to go back. If there wasn't a chance they wouldn't let me go through this. So I suppose I should hold on to that.
One thing I am worried about them asking is about the time I spent on PICU. Over the course of my hospital admission I spent over 9 months on the PICU. That's a hell of a long time. I said to the psychologist that I wasn't really sure why I was on there so long. He said it was to do with that I needed to be in hospital and that when I had been on the wards previously I was going to extremes to be able to self harm. So much so it was deemed necessary to restrain me, at times for hours at a time (I am aware of one of the times being restrained for so long that I was fighting so hard against it that I wore myself out so much that I fell asleep) and in my fighting to get out and struggles people got hurt. I wasn't aware of that. I feel so awful about it now. I never meant to hurt anyone. Well, a part from that awful Nurse who I kicked in the balls, but he provoked me. And as far as I am aware, it is in my notes that he provoked me and action was taken against him. I am shocked to think I behaved like that. It's not me. I must have been in a really bad place.
He said if they asked that to tell them that I found the ward I was on for longest the most beneficial and that I formed good attachments with the staff on there which took a long time. I felt happier on there than I had done anywhere else. I explained to him that one of the reasons why I was so reluctant to open up and speak to anyone was because of bad experiences when I was at the first hospital. I was told I needed to engage so I would try to speak to someone when I was struggling and all I got was a couldn't care less attitude and comments such as I had brought it all on myself. So I couldn't see the point in even trying. It really affected my attitudes towards staff who worked on the wards. I was reading about my first stay the other day and how I was in shock at the difference in staff between the two hospitals. How at the first if I had self harmed I was practically shunned and they had a go at me. In the second hospital, staff actually wanted to talk to you and spend time with you.
It sounds stupid but I am actually getting upset thinking about that first hospital and what an awful experience it was.
And that is another thing that really scares me. If I did end up being bad again. The female PICU is now at that hospital. I would have to go back there. The worry of that is so much, that I would probably push away if I started to get bad again and not seek the support I need.
I have to go back to uni. The alternative is too scary to think about.