That was probably the most pleasant hospital trip due to self harming reasons ever. I was in and out in an hour and a half. Then staff were nice. They asked me the usual. OK, so I wasn't fully honest. I knew if I was I would have to wait around for mental health services to come question me. So when they said if I had had thoughts of suicide I said no. It's as I said to the Psychologist at the appointment. I have had fleeting thoughts, but have not made any plans and I would never do anything like I did before again as it didn't work and I went to hell and back. So I just said no, I hadn't had thoughts about it. I know they wouldn't put me in hospital for how I am now, so I wasn't worried about that. But as soon as medical professions (not psychiatric) hear thoughts of suicide they want to cover all their bases. Can't blame them though can you.
I also didn't tell them I had swallowed a nail yesterday and today part of a spike from a bracelet and a razor blade. I didn't want to be kept in. If I did start to get pains I would go in, but I am not going in to be kept in over night for them the next day to tell me I can go but to come back if I feel pain. So no point there. I don't even know why I have swallowed. In the past I have been quite ambivalent about it and if it did cause damage it was a bonus. But, I don't really want it to cause damage and I don't want to die. I don't think so anyway. So not sure on the whole swallowing thing. It was probably something I should have discussed with my psychologist this morning when I saw him. I didn't tell him I did succeed, just that I tried and threw it up as I retched on it. Oh well. Maybe, if I remember I will talk about it when I see him at the next appointment in 3 weeks.
I do feel bad about the appointment as he said I was making him anxious over this report for uni and him saying I am good to go back.
So how am I feeling now.
It's quite odd. I feel good. I usually have cutters remorse a few hours after doing it and feel more anxious when I get home from the hospital. But there is none of that. Maybe tomorrow I will. Maybe tomorrow I will feel the guilt. But at the moment there is none of that at all. It's weird. In a way quite worrying. That usually stops me from doing it again for a while. But my brain is telling me now that when I feel as shit as I was all I need to do is have a cutting session and I will feel better.
Anyway, it will all probably change tomorrow when cutters remorse sets in.
Tuesday, 6 August 2013
Monday, 5 August 2013
Waiting at Hospital
I arrived and was seen by triage nurse. She was lovely. I asked if I'd have to see anyone from mental health and she said I scored low on their scale so possibly not. I did fudge it a little and down play it as I don't want to talk to anyone I don't know.
It's really got me thinking this. I've just read someone's blog who is being forced into leaving the country to go get the treatment she needs, she can't get it where she is as of the post code lottery and there is no funding in the area she is in. She's a British citizen. I think it's disgraceful that that is what she is being forced to do. Then there are people like me who must be such a drain on services, get everything. I see a CPN, a psychiatrist, an OT and see a psychologist on a weekly basis. A psychologist who as far as I am aware sees only inpatients. A year ago, yes a year ago it was decided as I have a good relationship with him that he would see me for a few more sessions and end contact. A year on I am now seeing him weekly and he is helping me with uni and writing a report for me. He is going beyond his duty for me.
Just how much money is being spent on me? How much time is invested? I feel awful that all this time and effort is being put in and when it finally seems as though I'm getting somewhere I end up going backwards and fucking up by self harming. All that time and effort for nothing. I'm frustrated with myself, so they must be tearing their hair out. I would be if I was in their position.
I feel as though I am getting nowhere at times. I think I am then bam! Back to where we started. If it wasn't for needing them so I can get back on the course I'd probably discharge myself so that someone who would benefit more could be helped. So there I am again, being selfish. Putting my own needs first.
Fucked Up...Again.
Well off to the hospital. I've cut. I thought I could manage just a little. But no. I got carried away like usual and it's quite bad. Not going to my local hospital in case my neighbour is working so got to drive about 20 miles to the other one. The one that holds bad bad memories as is attached to the first PICU I was on where Fingers worked. So worried I am going to see him.
I've really fucked up.
I've really fucked up.
Psychology Session - 05/08/13
He picked up on my mood almost straight away. He said most people go on holiday to recharge their batteries but I go and come back drained. He said I had it as though my mood battery was full before I was going and now it's back on empty again. He said it made him anxious as he was supposed to be writing a report for uni stating my fitness to practice and my ability to undertake the course.
He asked about self harm and I was half honest. I told him I had attempted to swallow but I threw it back up as I was retching on it. I didn't tell him I then got another one and managed to swallow it without throwing it back up.
He said he thought it was all because I hadn't been sleeping and that I had run myself down by drinking so much while I was away. He asked me why I drank so much when I knew what it did to me. I explained how I was drinking it so my parents weren't having so much. And he just said well weren't they buying more knowing you were drinking also. They brought the same amount anyway whether or not I was drinking or not so it didn't make much difference.
He asked me if I had thought about killing myself. I said not and he said he didn't believe it as it didn't fit. So I said I had a little but not in detail as what ever I had tried in the past didn't work and I wouldn't do something if I wasn't sure it was going to work as I didn't want to go through all that all over again. Also, I do want to go back to uni and get a career. Being dead doesn't really fit in with all of that does it.
He said he thought I was holding back on something big. I wasn't really. I didn't mention that my ex's sister was getting married this week and I was feeling shit about that, it seems pretty trivial and I didn't really want to go in to it.
We talked a bit about how I feel with things with with my brother and I said I was hurt and angry and I wanted to sit on it a while as I don't usually stay angry at people for long and I knew that if I was the first to make contact I would cave, agree that it was all my fault and then feel as though I had no right to be angry. Yet, at the same time I felt bad as he had just moved out of the family home as he broke up with his partner, the mother of his children. And that no one from my family had really been in contact with him to see how he was doing. Although, I didn't say this but he from what he is putting on Facebook it seems as though he is happy with his new place. But this could all be a front.
So I feel bad for not contacting him. Part of the reason I have not contacted him is because I am avoiding the issue. He wants to have a talk about what I did and how close I came to dying etc. To tell me how selfish I am and that I don't think of others etc etc etc. I don't want to do that. I may be selfish, but I know if we have a talk I will end up agreeing with him over everything, well saying I agree while secretly seething because while I may have been selfish, I don't think anyone considers how I actually felt in all of this, that I felt so bad and could see no other way than ending it all. So yeah, I know it is selfish, but what about me?
So the Psychologist said I need to make sure I look after myself. Not to drink, to ensure I get enough sleep and to be kind to myself. To keep telling myself that I feel like this because of the physical reasons, in that it's down to lack of sleep and having drank too much. So it will get better in a few days. He said I need to try and not let it cycle down and down and to see that I can be ok. I can be happier.
I am trying. I really am. I am trying to be kind to myself. But sometimes the urges are so over whelming. I said I was angry at myself and the situation as I blame myself and I had gone quite a while without any urges to SH yet now they were back and strong. And I had already given in to them.
I don't think I am going to be seeing him for 3-4 weeks now. Hopefully, by the next time I see him I will have come out of this low and that I won't have done anything major.
He asked about self harm and I was half honest. I told him I had attempted to swallow but I threw it back up as I was retching on it. I didn't tell him I then got another one and managed to swallow it without throwing it back up.
He said he thought it was all because I hadn't been sleeping and that I had run myself down by drinking so much while I was away. He asked me why I drank so much when I knew what it did to me. I explained how I was drinking it so my parents weren't having so much. And he just said well weren't they buying more knowing you were drinking also. They brought the same amount anyway whether or not I was drinking or not so it didn't make much difference.
He asked me if I had thought about killing myself. I said not and he said he didn't believe it as it didn't fit. So I said I had a little but not in detail as what ever I had tried in the past didn't work and I wouldn't do something if I wasn't sure it was going to work as I didn't want to go through all that all over again. Also, I do want to go back to uni and get a career. Being dead doesn't really fit in with all of that does it.
He said he thought I was holding back on something big. I wasn't really. I didn't mention that my ex's sister was getting married this week and I was feeling shit about that, it seems pretty trivial and I didn't really want to go in to it.
We talked a bit about how I feel with things with with my brother and I said I was hurt and angry and I wanted to sit on it a while as I don't usually stay angry at people for long and I knew that if I was the first to make contact I would cave, agree that it was all my fault and then feel as though I had no right to be angry. Yet, at the same time I felt bad as he had just moved out of the family home as he broke up with his partner, the mother of his children. And that no one from my family had really been in contact with him to see how he was doing. Although, I didn't say this but he from what he is putting on Facebook it seems as though he is happy with his new place. But this could all be a front.
So I feel bad for not contacting him. Part of the reason I have not contacted him is because I am avoiding the issue. He wants to have a talk about what I did and how close I came to dying etc. To tell me how selfish I am and that I don't think of others etc etc etc. I don't want to do that. I may be selfish, but I know if we have a talk I will end up agreeing with him over everything, well saying I agree while secretly seething because while I may have been selfish, I don't think anyone considers how I actually felt in all of this, that I felt so bad and could see no other way than ending it all. So yeah, I know it is selfish, but what about me?
So the Psychologist said I need to make sure I look after myself. Not to drink, to ensure I get enough sleep and to be kind to myself. To keep telling myself that I feel like this because of the physical reasons, in that it's down to lack of sleep and having drank too much. So it will get better in a few days. He said I need to try and not let it cycle down and down and to see that I can be ok. I can be happier.
I am trying. I really am. I am trying to be kind to myself. But sometimes the urges are so over whelming. I said I was angry at myself and the situation as I blame myself and I had gone quite a while without any urges to SH yet now they were back and strong. And I had already given in to them.
I don't think I am going to be seeing him for 3-4 weeks now. Hopefully, by the next time I see him I will have come out of this low and that I won't have done anything major.
Sunday, 4 August 2013
Time Goals
So my friend will be here in about 40 minutes. I can't self harm before she gets here.
She'll be here about an hour. I can't self harm while she is here.
I then plan on having a long bath. That may reduce anxiety and therefore me not self harm.
I will then prepare dinner which is a Thai Green curry with lots of veg. This will take about an hour.
This will take me until about 8pm. I am then able to medicate by taking some quetiapine, even though I am not prescribed it anymore I still have some and it is good for me as PRN when I don't actually take it regularly as it sedates me quite a lot. I also have some sleeping pills so I can take a couple of those.
This should in theory have me knocked out at around 9pm and I should sleep until tomorrow. Then I have the appointment with the psychologist.
I kind of don't want to tell him how I am feeling as he has told me so many times that alcohol is a depressant and that I should be careful about what I drink. I feel as though I am going to get I told you so. Even though he has never before. I think it is this that has caused it. I am hoping that in a few days I will be over it. I know I am an awful patient. I know what can cause me to get in to a bad place again but I still go ahead and do it anyway. I know I didn't have to drink so much while I was away. But, the reason I did is because I could see my parents, my Mum in particular getting aggressive and doing her usual. I can't be doing with being around them when they are drunk. So my theory was that if I was drinking some, they were drinking less and also if I was drunk I am more able to handle their annoying behaviours.
Anyway, for now I am trying not to cry as I don't want to be red faced and blotchy when my friend gets here as I don't want her worrying about things.
She'll be here about an hour. I can't self harm while she is here.
I then plan on having a long bath. That may reduce anxiety and therefore me not self harm.
I will then prepare dinner which is a Thai Green curry with lots of veg. This will take about an hour.
This will take me until about 8pm. I am then able to medicate by taking some quetiapine, even though I am not prescribed it anymore I still have some and it is good for me as PRN when I don't actually take it regularly as it sedates me quite a lot. I also have some sleeping pills so I can take a couple of those.
This should in theory have me knocked out at around 9pm and I should sleep until tomorrow. Then I have the appointment with the psychologist.
I kind of don't want to tell him how I am feeling as he has told me so many times that alcohol is a depressant and that I should be careful about what I drink. I feel as though I am going to get I told you so. Even though he has never before. I think it is this that has caused it. I am hoping that in a few days I will be over it. I know I am an awful patient. I know what can cause me to get in to a bad place again but I still go ahead and do it anyway. I know I didn't have to drink so much while I was away. But, the reason I did is because I could see my parents, my Mum in particular getting aggressive and doing her usual. I can't be doing with being around them when they are drunk. So my theory was that if I was drinking some, they were drinking less and also if I was drunk I am more able to handle their annoying behaviours.
Anyway, for now I am trying not to cry as I don't want to be red faced and blotchy when my friend gets here as I don't want her worrying about things.
Feeling Baaad.
I am planning ways in which I can self harm. My current thinking is I could cut and drive to the hospital that is out of town as I don't run the risk of seeing my old next door neighbour there if she is working. But, the only thing stopping me from doing that at the moment is I've got a really bad fake tan job. I am streaky, orange and it's awful. So I don't want anyone seeing it. I am sure as the day wears on that that will become less of factor in stopping me.
I am actually sitting here crying because I don't know what to do with myself.
I have just swallowed. I was intent on doing it. The first time I tried I was retching and ended up throwing up. At least I got rid of some of the dinner I just had. But I did it again. At least the urge to cut has settled a little. Although I am still feeling the urge and that feeling that comes with it.
I really am in such a mess. My friend said she may come over later. I said yes originally as I have not seen her little boy in over 3 weeks and I miss him, he is only 10 weeks old. So changing all the time. But at the same time I really feel like I don't want the company at the moment. I just want to wallow. And for the first time since ever I am considering cancelling my appointment with the psychologist tomorrow.
I was supposed to go out today to a hen do of the sister of one of my old school friends. We used to hang out when we were younger and we went to Guides together. But I really couldn't face it.
The only reason I think I could feel like this is because of the wedding. But that seems a pretty inconsequential reason to feel like this.
Maybe it's just because I am tired, run down and have drank so much over the last couple of weeks that it has just built up to this. I hope it is just that as it would mean I will come out of it soon. All I need is a few days R+R and I should feel a lot better.
Here's hoping.
I am actually sitting here crying because I don't know what to do with myself.
I have just swallowed. I was intent on doing it. The first time I tried I was retching and ended up throwing up. At least I got rid of some of the dinner I just had. But I did it again. At least the urge to cut has settled a little. Although I am still feeling the urge and that feeling that comes with it.
I really am in such a mess. My friend said she may come over later. I said yes originally as I have not seen her little boy in over 3 weeks and I miss him, he is only 10 weeks old. So changing all the time. But at the same time I really feel like I don't want the company at the moment. I just want to wallow. And for the first time since ever I am considering cancelling my appointment with the psychologist tomorrow.
I was supposed to go out today to a hen do of the sister of one of my old school friends. We used to hang out when we were younger and we went to Guides together. But I really couldn't face it.
The only reason I think I could feel like this is because of the wedding. But that seems a pretty inconsequential reason to feel like this.
Maybe it's just because I am tired, run down and have drank so much over the last couple of weeks that it has just built up to this. I hope it is just that as it would mean I will come out of it soon. All I need is a few days R+R and I should feel a lot better.
Here's hoping.
Friday, 2 August 2013
I'm Back!
I have probably got quite a bit to write about, so this could be a long post. I do wish I had written more about the psychology session and the meeting at uni before I went away as now I can't remember any thing at all about the psychology session and only a little about the meeting at uni.
What I do remember is that my Psychologist was brilliant. I was really nervous about the meeting and didn't want to be there at all. The course director talked about the course and what it entails. I think he had a pretty good idea about it as he had been talking to some Social Workers that work at the same hospital so he had a pretty good idea of the amount of work and the stresses that come with it.
It was quite a quick meeting, my course director basically talked about the course, how I had been doing and just general stuff. She then said she was concerned though as when I met her in June I had told her I hadn't been working or anything since coming out of hospital. I didn't tell her that the reality is that it has only been the last month or so where I would have been able to function in the work place or doing anything constructive. Obviously she doesn't know about how I nearly died through my own actions in April and that I was in hospital again because of it. I really didn't know what to say. But my Psychologist jumped straight in for me saying how I have been in a work routine now for the past few months and how I have been seeing him first thing on a Monday morning and how I have always been on time and ready to get on with it. He then went on to say how he could say for sure that he thought I was ready to go back and how it would be good for me and would be an important part of my recovery and telling her how well I was doing. He also said that although he hadn't said it to me yet, and he probably wasn't sure if I would agree with him, but he would say that I was now in recovery (I've not felt it for the last week but that's to come).
So we talked about the fitness to practice panel which is the next stage. We would both have to write a report for it. He was also asked if he would be able to attend, if I wanted him to. I was asked if I did, but I felt a bit put on the spot and didn't want to say yes, so I just said that if it didn't need to be decided now, then it would be something we could discuss. After seeing how he jumped in to save me in that, when I wasn't really coming under much scrutiny, I want him at the panel. If I get stumped it would be great to have someone else in my corner. The course director asked when he would be available and kind of said that the panel could be when he is available at the beginning of September. I don't want to seem that I am relying on him too much. But I do want him to be there if he can be. He has done so much for me already and I don't want to put him out more. I am sure it's not in his job description and he is doing so much more than he needs to. He has been fantastic.
So the course director said she would email the placement director and copy both the psychologist and myself in. She did this the next day. It's been nearly 3 weeks and still haven't heard anything from her regarding this panel. Maybe she is on annual leave or something. But I was hoping that we would have had a reply now as I am meeting with the psychologist on Monday and won't see him again for a month so it is probably the only opportunity we would have to go over the reports and discuss it further before the panel. But, haven't heard anything so who knows what is going on.
After the meeting the psychologist and I walked out together. As we left the building he asked me what was wrong. He said I was totally frozen during the meeting. I just said I was trying to not show outward signs of anxiety as I am aware of some of the things I do when I am anxious, things like my leg going up and down, my playing with my bracelet, taking my ring off and playing with that, fiddling with my earrings etc etc etc. He said yeah and also playing with your necklace which you were doing all the way through. I haven't really picked up on that one before, but as soon as he mentioned it I did realise it is something I do all the time.
He said he could tell something else was wrong with me. I didn't really know what to say. I just felt so on edge and anxious over the meeting and was coming down from that. I was also feeling very pessimistic over how it went and how the course director raised concerns over how I hadn't done anything recently. All I had going through my mind was negative thoughts along the lines of well that's it, what's the point even trying if I am not going to get anywhere with it etc etc etc. Basically thinking I am a failure etc etc. I didn't really want to go into all of this while we were standing outside uni etc so I just said I wasn't sure how I was feeling and was probably just residual anxiety from the massive anxiety I was feeling about the meeting.
So that was the meeting at uni...
So on to the holiday. I was really looking forward to it. And on the whole, it was good. Except the weather and being in a tent which meant I didn't sleep more than about 4 hours a night for the 12 days I was away. Some days it rained so much that we couldn't do anything and the 3 of us were confined to being inside the motor home all day. It was really annoying. 3 people in such a confined space for so long. Not fun. One night my brother rang my mum and he had a bit of a go at her. I have not spoken to him in ages and we are not really talking at the moment. But I have written about that before. I said to my Mum that I was quite upset with him and what his partner had said to me about it. Basically along the lines of how he had done so much for me and he feels I have not given anything back. That hurts. I am not sure what he has wanted from me, and it really got me thinking about how when I was in hospital under section for a year, a hospital that was only a 2 minute drive away from his house and how he only came to see me about 3 times in the whole year! So yeah, I am hurt by that.
So, I told my Mum I was upset and she got all angry at me saying how he was right in telling me I was selfish because I was. If I wasn't selfish I would have never have tried to kill myself as I would be aware of what it would do to my family etc. And then she started this whole charade of abuse at me saying how selfish I was that people were sick of pussy footing around me and really laying in to me saying what I had put them through etc etc etc. She was very drunk so she wasn't holding back. She just kept saying did you stop and think how we were feeling etc. It got me so angry. But I just sat there and took it all as I wasn't going to argue back and I didn't want to get in to an argument. But I was thinking about how I was feeling and what I was going through, that I was feeling so bad that that was the only way out I could see and that was what I wanted at the time. She kept telling me how seriously ill I was and how I was in a coma and the machines were breathing for me as I wasn't making any effort to breathe at all and that without the machines I would have died. She was telling me how they had been told I may not pull through and that I was critically ill.
I know I am probably selfish, I do get that. But, no one seems to understand that I was feeling so bad and I was in such a place that I saw death as being more favourable to living. What about that? So sorry, I know it's selfish, but what about me?! Negative comment all the way on that one!
So I was quite upset at that. I was so angry and I had massive self harm urges because I was so angry. And I would have done something but everything I had that I could have used to self harm was in the van and I was in the tent with nothing around me to do anything with and I wasn't going to go in to the van waking them both up and face questions about what I was doing and why I was in there. So I just laid there with these awful feelings and feeling so out of control that I didn't know what to do with myself. I think I cried myself to sleep.
I was really ready to come home. The weather was crap and after spending so much time with my parents I just wanted my own space.
The journey home was a nightmare. While I was waiting for the bus at the airport I was feeling really anxious. I didn't really know why, I just put it down to being tired and feeling run down. But the longer I was there the more thinking I did. And I realised that I had spent a good few hours at the same airport bus station 2 years ago, feeling so shit and had pretty much decided there that I was going to end it all. I remember speaking to the counsellor I was seeing at the time while I was there and telling her how shit I was feeling. And then after that, it was only a few days later where I did take a massive OD and ended up in intensive care for 2 nights unconscious on a ventilator for the first time. So I put the anxious feelings down to being where I was.
So, how have I been mood wise etc? I am a bit worried as I have barely slept in the last two weeks that I could be spiralling again. I thought I would be fine as soon as I got home and that a good nights sleep in my own bed and I would feel so much better. But no, that was not to be. I barely slept last night either. So I can't blame my not sleeping on being in a tent and being away. Also, last year I spent nearly 3 weeks in a tent and I was fine. I told my friend I was a bit worried as sometimes lack of sleep can be a trigger for me, and it can also be a sign that I am not doing well as well. So she told me to call my CPN and get some sleeping pills. I said I was seeing her next week anyway and if things hadn't improved I would talk to her about it then. She said I was being stupid because I knew it could trigger things and also that it can be a relapse sign. So I should call today. So I did and she wasn't there. So I called my GP surgery and the receptionist got the on call doctor to call me. I was expecting to wait hours for a call, but within 5 minutes the doctor called me. I told him how sometimes it can be a relapse sign and can also trigger relapse and that I was worried and I was wondering if I would be able to get some sleeping pills for a few nights to try and trigger me back into sleeping properly. I think I worried him a little, he started asking me all these questions about thoughts of wanting to harm myself etc etc etc and said he thought I should contact my team etc. I said my CPN wasn't in, I was seeing her, my psychologist AND my OT next week. So that calmed him down a bit and he said it would be quite appropriate to give me 7 nights of sleeping pills.
I am feeling quite shit mood wise. I had a few very down days while I was away and have had no motivation to do anything. I thought it was just being home sick and that I was feeling run down as of lack of sleep and drinking quite a bit and eating crap. I was drinking every night. If it hadn't have been for my parents I wouldn't have done. But, they were buying it and drinking every night and I felt that if I didn't drink that would mean my Mum would drink more and cause problems. I didn't want to drink that much but I thought it better doing that than dealing with my parents when they are very drunk. So, no drinking for me for a while now. I don't want it anywhere near me. But, even though I am home I am still feeling quite shit. I have had some massive urges today. I have got up twice and been to where I have things that I would swallow, I don't know why I haven't yet. But I haven't. It's been about 5 weeks since I last did something. Which is pretty good for me.
I have an idea of why I may be feeling bad. It's kind of stupid really. It may not even be that. My ex's sister is getting married on Tuesday. She met the guy just after GOM and I broke up so I don't know him very well. I have only met the guy twice. But it's really weird. She was such a big part of my life for 9 years and I saw her as like a sister and his family as my family. I miss that. They were such a big part of my life for so long and now they're not. I don't miss GOM really. I don't want to be with him. But I do have some resentment towards his new girlfriend as she now is part of their life, and I am not. She's welcome to him. But I miss his family. I am not sure whether or not she will be at the wedding as I think they have only been in a relationship a couple of months. Why do I feel like this? Is it stupid? Is it jealousy? They are all going off abroad for this wedding as a family and I am not involved.
It's a stupid thing to be making me feel bad isn't it?
And that has been the last couple of weeks. Next week I have 3 crazy appointments, and then nothing for a month or so as the psychologist is on holiday. Bit worried that I won't be seeing anyone. Maybe I can see my CPN when I am supposed to be seeing him. Don't know. I suppose we will talk about it next week when I see her.
If it is this whole wedding thing, combined with me being tired and run down, then I just want next week to be over with as soon as possible.
What I do remember is that my Psychologist was brilliant. I was really nervous about the meeting and didn't want to be there at all. The course director talked about the course and what it entails. I think he had a pretty good idea about it as he had been talking to some Social Workers that work at the same hospital so he had a pretty good idea of the amount of work and the stresses that come with it.
It was quite a quick meeting, my course director basically talked about the course, how I had been doing and just general stuff. She then said she was concerned though as when I met her in June I had told her I hadn't been working or anything since coming out of hospital. I didn't tell her that the reality is that it has only been the last month or so where I would have been able to function in the work place or doing anything constructive. Obviously she doesn't know about how I nearly died through my own actions in April and that I was in hospital again because of it. I really didn't know what to say. But my Psychologist jumped straight in for me saying how I have been in a work routine now for the past few months and how I have been seeing him first thing on a Monday morning and how I have always been on time and ready to get on with it. He then went on to say how he could say for sure that he thought I was ready to go back and how it would be good for me and would be an important part of my recovery and telling her how well I was doing. He also said that although he hadn't said it to me yet, and he probably wasn't sure if I would agree with him, but he would say that I was now in recovery (I've not felt it for the last week but that's to come).
So we talked about the fitness to practice panel which is the next stage. We would both have to write a report for it. He was also asked if he would be able to attend, if I wanted him to. I was asked if I did, but I felt a bit put on the spot and didn't want to say yes, so I just said that if it didn't need to be decided now, then it would be something we could discuss. After seeing how he jumped in to save me in that, when I wasn't really coming under much scrutiny, I want him at the panel. If I get stumped it would be great to have someone else in my corner. The course director asked when he would be available and kind of said that the panel could be when he is available at the beginning of September. I don't want to seem that I am relying on him too much. But I do want him to be there if he can be. He has done so much for me already and I don't want to put him out more. I am sure it's not in his job description and he is doing so much more than he needs to. He has been fantastic.
So the course director said she would email the placement director and copy both the psychologist and myself in. She did this the next day. It's been nearly 3 weeks and still haven't heard anything from her regarding this panel. Maybe she is on annual leave or something. But I was hoping that we would have had a reply now as I am meeting with the psychologist on Monday and won't see him again for a month so it is probably the only opportunity we would have to go over the reports and discuss it further before the panel. But, haven't heard anything so who knows what is going on.
After the meeting the psychologist and I walked out together. As we left the building he asked me what was wrong. He said I was totally frozen during the meeting. I just said I was trying to not show outward signs of anxiety as I am aware of some of the things I do when I am anxious, things like my leg going up and down, my playing with my bracelet, taking my ring off and playing with that, fiddling with my earrings etc etc etc. He said yeah and also playing with your necklace which you were doing all the way through. I haven't really picked up on that one before, but as soon as he mentioned it I did realise it is something I do all the time.
He said he could tell something else was wrong with me. I didn't really know what to say. I just felt so on edge and anxious over the meeting and was coming down from that. I was also feeling very pessimistic over how it went and how the course director raised concerns over how I hadn't done anything recently. All I had going through my mind was negative thoughts along the lines of well that's it, what's the point even trying if I am not going to get anywhere with it etc etc etc. Basically thinking I am a failure etc etc. I didn't really want to go into all of this while we were standing outside uni etc so I just said I wasn't sure how I was feeling and was probably just residual anxiety from the massive anxiety I was feeling about the meeting.
So that was the meeting at uni...
So on to the holiday. I was really looking forward to it. And on the whole, it was good. Except the weather and being in a tent which meant I didn't sleep more than about 4 hours a night for the 12 days I was away. Some days it rained so much that we couldn't do anything and the 3 of us were confined to being inside the motor home all day. It was really annoying. 3 people in such a confined space for so long. Not fun. One night my brother rang my mum and he had a bit of a go at her. I have not spoken to him in ages and we are not really talking at the moment. But I have written about that before. I said to my Mum that I was quite upset with him and what his partner had said to me about it. Basically along the lines of how he had done so much for me and he feels I have not given anything back. That hurts. I am not sure what he has wanted from me, and it really got me thinking about how when I was in hospital under section for a year, a hospital that was only a 2 minute drive away from his house and how he only came to see me about 3 times in the whole year! So yeah, I am hurt by that.
So, I told my Mum I was upset and she got all angry at me saying how he was right in telling me I was selfish because I was. If I wasn't selfish I would have never have tried to kill myself as I would be aware of what it would do to my family etc. And then she started this whole charade of abuse at me saying how selfish I was that people were sick of pussy footing around me and really laying in to me saying what I had put them through etc etc etc. She was very drunk so she wasn't holding back. She just kept saying did you stop and think how we were feeling etc. It got me so angry. But I just sat there and took it all as I wasn't going to argue back and I didn't want to get in to an argument. But I was thinking about how I was feeling and what I was going through, that I was feeling so bad that that was the only way out I could see and that was what I wanted at the time. She kept telling me how seriously ill I was and how I was in a coma and the machines were breathing for me as I wasn't making any effort to breathe at all and that without the machines I would have died. She was telling me how they had been told I may not pull through and that I was critically ill.
I know I am probably selfish, I do get that. But, no one seems to understand that I was feeling so bad and I was in such a place that I saw death as being more favourable to living. What about that? So sorry, I know it's selfish, but what about me?! Negative comment all the way on that one!
So I was quite upset at that. I was so angry and I had massive self harm urges because I was so angry. And I would have done something but everything I had that I could have used to self harm was in the van and I was in the tent with nothing around me to do anything with and I wasn't going to go in to the van waking them both up and face questions about what I was doing and why I was in there. So I just laid there with these awful feelings and feeling so out of control that I didn't know what to do with myself. I think I cried myself to sleep.
I was really ready to come home. The weather was crap and after spending so much time with my parents I just wanted my own space.
The journey home was a nightmare. While I was waiting for the bus at the airport I was feeling really anxious. I didn't really know why, I just put it down to being tired and feeling run down. But the longer I was there the more thinking I did. And I realised that I had spent a good few hours at the same airport bus station 2 years ago, feeling so shit and had pretty much decided there that I was going to end it all. I remember speaking to the counsellor I was seeing at the time while I was there and telling her how shit I was feeling. And then after that, it was only a few days later where I did take a massive OD and ended up in intensive care for 2 nights unconscious on a ventilator for the first time. So I put the anxious feelings down to being where I was.
So, how have I been mood wise etc? I am a bit worried as I have barely slept in the last two weeks that I could be spiralling again. I thought I would be fine as soon as I got home and that a good nights sleep in my own bed and I would feel so much better. But no, that was not to be. I barely slept last night either. So I can't blame my not sleeping on being in a tent and being away. Also, last year I spent nearly 3 weeks in a tent and I was fine. I told my friend I was a bit worried as sometimes lack of sleep can be a trigger for me, and it can also be a sign that I am not doing well as well. So she told me to call my CPN and get some sleeping pills. I said I was seeing her next week anyway and if things hadn't improved I would talk to her about it then. She said I was being stupid because I knew it could trigger things and also that it can be a relapse sign. So I should call today. So I did and she wasn't there. So I called my GP surgery and the receptionist got the on call doctor to call me. I was expecting to wait hours for a call, but within 5 minutes the doctor called me. I told him how sometimes it can be a relapse sign and can also trigger relapse and that I was worried and I was wondering if I would be able to get some sleeping pills for a few nights to try and trigger me back into sleeping properly. I think I worried him a little, he started asking me all these questions about thoughts of wanting to harm myself etc etc etc and said he thought I should contact my team etc. I said my CPN wasn't in, I was seeing her, my psychologist AND my OT next week. So that calmed him down a bit and he said it would be quite appropriate to give me 7 nights of sleeping pills.
I am feeling quite shit mood wise. I had a few very down days while I was away and have had no motivation to do anything. I thought it was just being home sick and that I was feeling run down as of lack of sleep and drinking quite a bit and eating crap. I was drinking every night. If it hadn't have been for my parents I wouldn't have done. But, they were buying it and drinking every night and I felt that if I didn't drink that would mean my Mum would drink more and cause problems. I didn't want to drink that much but I thought it better doing that than dealing with my parents when they are very drunk. So, no drinking for me for a while now. I don't want it anywhere near me. But, even though I am home I am still feeling quite shit. I have had some massive urges today. I have got up twice and been to where I have things that I would swallow, I don't know why I haven't yet. But I haven't. It's been about 5 weeks since I last did something. Which is pretty good for me.
I have an idea of why I may be feeling bad. It's kind of stupid really. It may not even be that. My ex's sister is getting married on Tuesday. She met the guy just after GOM and I broke up so I don't know him very well. I have only met the guy twice. But it's really weird. She was such a big part of my life for 9 years and I saw her as like a sister and his family as my family. I miss that. They were such a big part of my life for so long and now they're not. I don't miss GOM really. I don't want to be with him. But I do have some resentment towards his new girlfriend as she now is part of their life, and I am not. She's welcome to him. But I miss his family. I am not sure whether or not she will be at the wedding as I think they have only been in a relationship a couple of months. Why do I feel like this? Is it stupid? Is it jealousy? They are all going off abroad for this wedding as a family and I am not involved.
It's a stupid thing to be making me feel bad isn't it?
And that has been the last couple of weeks. Next week I have 3 crazy appointments, and then nothing for a month or so as the psychologist is on holiday. Bit worried that I won't be seeing anyone. Maybe I can see my CPN when I am supposed to be seeing him. Don't know. I suppose we will talk about it next week when I see her.
If it is this whole wedding thing, combined with me being tired and run down, then I just want next week to be over with as soon as possible.
Thursday, 18 July 2013
Not Forgotten, Just Very Little Time.
I've had quite a big week in terms of what has happened. Well kind of. I had a psychology session Monday morning, and then Monday afternoon I had the meeting at uni with the course director and the psychologist. I think it would be quite a big post, but I haven't had time to sit down and write about it. I have hardly been at home since Monday. The weather has been so nice I have been out most the day into the evening.
I go on holiday on Saturday. I have not been looking forward to a holiday as much as this in ages. I think the last time was just before I went travelling over 3 years ago. Only staying in Europe and going with my parents, but I am really looking forward to it.
If I have the time I will write about it before I go. But, I just really wanted to say that I am ok, and that I am going away so there probably won't be any posts for possibly a couple of weeks. I know a couple of people do read this regularly so I just wanted to let you know what is happening.
Au Revoir.
I go on holiday on Saturday. I have not been looking forward to a holiday as much as this in ages. I think the last time was just before I went travelling over 3 years ago. Only staying in Europe and going with my parents, but I am really looking forward to it.
If I have the time I will write about it before I go. But, I just really wanted to say that I am ok, and that I am going away so there probably won't be any posts for possibly a couple of weeks. I know a couple of people do read this regularly so I just wanted to let you know what is happening.
Au Revoir.
Sunday, 14 July 2013
Feeling Shit
I hope this doesn't bring me back down again in to the deepest despair of a depression. I am going to try and ensure that it doesn't.
I have been on the dating site Plenty of Fish. And so far I have not met anyone I have felt attracted to or they have been quite weird and just not right. Insecure, attached, emotional etc etc etc. I have been on quite a few dates recently and nothing. The night I opened up to my friend about things about what happened on holiday when I was 15 (as some people say it was rape but I haven't seen it like that and never will) but anyway. that night I was talking to her about dating again and she said it was a good thing as broadens the people I meet etc. She said I am unlikely to ever have that massive spark and instant love that I had when I first met GOM and that it develops so I need to stop writing people off after a first date and give them a chance. So I took heed. I went out last Sunday with a Spanish guy. We got on ok and he seemed to be in to me. So I thought, why not, give it another go. He text me as soon as I got home telling me how much he liked me and hoped it could develop into something else. So we arranged to see each other again. Then he went from being in contact almost constantly to nothing for about 24 hours. Which yes, I get not hearing for a guy for a while is pretty normal, and I don't mind it. But for him it wasn't. So I kinda figured something was going on. Anyway, when we were talking about our next date he then told me his friend had unexpectedly arrived from Spain and he wouldn't be able to see me this week as he would be with his friend. So I reckon I was blown off there. But I wasn't too bothered. I didn't really feel much for him and wasn't really attracted to him. I just thought that we got on quite well, he was a nice guy that I would give it another go and maybe something would/could develop. So that one didn't work out.
I went out again last night. The guy told me he was 37. A bit old for me. But he seemed like a nice guy. So I went. He said he used to be in the police so I thought he would be quite head strong and a well rounded guy. He turned up and he looked more like 47 than 37. He said to me that people had told him he didn't look his age, obviously looking for me to say he looked younger. All I could say was no, you don't look your age at all. So yeah, I did kind of agree with him there, but not in the way he wanted. And, he noticed the scars on the top of my arms and said oh you have scars. My arms aren't too bad with the scars as I have never really self harmed badly there. I was wearing a vest and really wished I hadn't been. I just came up with some story how I had burnt them on my hair straighteners whilst curling my hair. He made me feel really uncomfortable about them. I just think it's quite rude to mention scars etc on a person. It's something I would never do. Maybe it's because mine have come about in such a socially unacceptable way that I am more conscious of them. Maybe for most people mentioning scars isn't too bad. I mean I suppose if there is no disturbed back ground to them I suppose most people wouldn't be bothered about them. Maybe it's just me who thinks it is rude to ask as I am more aware that some people are ashamed by them.
Anyway. I didn't really like this guy.
So today I had arranged to meet this other guy. My friend said he looked like a good looking version of Wayne Rooney. So that put a bit of a dampener on my feelings about it. I mean, can you really be a good looking version of Rooney. So all I had in my head was that I was going to meet Shrek. But when we met up, I quite liked him. He seemed normal and we seemed to be getting on ok. Or so I thought. We had a drink in a bar and then took a walk in to a city park as they had this music thing going off. So we brought some drinks from the shop and sat with a few drinks in the park. He said he was going to go to the loo. I had this horrible feeling. A few minutes later he text me and said he was sorry but he wasn't having a nice time and wasn't coming back. I was totally mortified. I did actually send a nice message back saying no worries, it was nice to meet him and to not worry about it (he apologised and said he knew it was spineless) as it was something I had done before so I couldn't really say anything. Well I have kind of done it. Not gone without saying anything, but made up some elaborate story about why I had to go. Never actually just disappeared. So I was quite hurt by it.
I text my friend after I made a joke saying that I hoped he would come back, she said not to worry, he's not you. So I text her back saying it seemed we were actually quite a like after all. She was quite surprised and said he was a knob and I should not get hung up on it. I moved to a quieter area of the park put my sunglasses on and actually started crying in the middle of the park. Luckily I wasn't near anyone and no one could see me. I wasn't sobbing or anything but there were tears. I am quite hurt by it. I don't think you can help but take it personally. I was as nice as anything, I didn't say anything that would cause offence and I was nice. So I can only put it down to was the fact that he found me unattractive. So yet again I feel shit about my weight, scars and feel horrible. So yeah, I did take it personally. And he was the first person I kind of liked and was attracted to. And then that. So yes, I feel really shit about it. Really shit. I just wanted a nice day in the sun, having a couple of drinks and to take my mind off what is happening tomorrow with this meeting at uni. But no. Now I just feel shit. Really shit. And it sent my self harm urges in to overdrive. But, I am not going to give in to them. I am not going to let one person be the reason I self harm. I never have done and I won't.
So now I have come home. I needed the loo so I had to come home. And now I am feeling really miserable and shit and sorry for myself. I want to drink. I want to get totally pissed. If it wasn't for this meeting at uni tomorrow I would do. I have my usual session with the psychologist at 9.30am and then the meeting with the psychologist and course director at 2. If it wasn't for that meeting at 2 I would have just got really pissed tonight and called and cancelled my psychology session tomorrow saying I was ill.
So I will have a couple more beers and that is it. No getting totally wrecked for me. Even though I feel totally shit about myself. Grrrrr.
I have been on the dating site Plenty of Fish. And so far I have not met anyone I have felt attracted to or they have been quite weird and just not right. Insecure, attached, emotional etc etc etc. I have been on quite a few dates recently and nothing. The night I opened up to my friend about things about what happened on holiday when I was 15 (as some people say it was rape but I haven't seen it like that and never will) but anyway. that night I was talking to her about dating again and she said it was a good thing as broadens the people I meet etc. She said I am unlikely to ever have that massive spark and instant love that I had when I first met GOM and that it develops so I need to stop writing people off after a first date and give them a chance. So I took heed. I went out last Sunday with a Spanish guy. We got on ok and he seemed to be in to me. So I thought, why not, give it another go. He text me as soon as I got home telling me how much he liked me and hoped it could develop into something else. So we arranged to see each other again. Then he went from being in contact almost constantly to nothing for about 24 hours. Which yes, I get not hearing for a guy for a while is pretty normal, and I don't mind it. But for him it wasn't. So I kinda figured something was going on. Anyway, when we were talking about our next date he then told me his friend had unexpectedly arrived from Spain and he wouldn't be able to see me this week as he would be with his friend. So I reckon I was blown off there. But I wasn't too bothered. I didn't really feel much for him and wasn't really attracted to him. I just thought that we got on quite well, he was a nice guy that I would give it another go and maybe something would/could develop. So that one didn't work out.
I went out again last night. The guy told me he was 37. A bit old for me. But he seemed like a nice guy. So I went. He said he used to be in the police so I thought he would be quite head strong and a well rounded guy. He turned up and he looked more like 47 than 37. He said to me that people had told him he didn't look his age, obviously looking for me to say he looked younger. All I could say was no, you don't look your age at all. So yeah, I did kind of agree with him there, but not in the way he wanted. And, he noticed the scars on the top of my arms and said oh you have scars. My arms aren't too bad with the scars as I have never really self harmed badly there. I was wearing a vest and really wished I hadn't been. I just came up with some story how I had burnt them on my hair straighteners whilst curling my hair. He made me feel really uncomfortable about them. I just think it's quite rude to mention scars etc on a person. It's something I would never do. Maybe it's because mine have come about in such a socially unacceptable way that I am more conscious of them. Maybe for most people mentioning scars isn't too bad. I mean I suppose if there is no disturbed back ground to them I suppose most people wouldn't be bothered about them. Maybe it's just me who thinks it is rude to ask as I am more aware that some people are ashamed by them.
Anyway. I didn't really like this guy.
So today I had arranged to meet this other guy. My friend said he looked like a good looking version of Wayne Rooney. So that put a bit of a dampener on my feelings about it. I mean, can you really be a good looking version of Rooney. So all I had in my head was that I was going to meet Shrek. But when we met up, I quite liked him. He seemed normal and we seemed to be getting on ok. Or so I thought. We had a drink in a bar and then took a walk in to a city park as they had this music thing going off. So we brought some drinks from the shop and sat with a few drinks in the park. He said he was going to go to the loo. I had this horrible feeling. A few minutes later he text me and said he was sorry but he wasn't having a nice time and wasn't coming back. I was totally mortified. I did actually send a nice message back saying no worries, it was nice to meet him and to not worry about it (he apologised and said he knew it was spineless) as it was something I had done before so I couldn't really say anything. Well I have kind of done it. Not gone without saying anything, but made up some elaborate story about why I had to go. Never actually just disappeared. So I was quite hurt by it.
I text my friend after I made a joke saying that I hoped he would come back, she said not to worry, he's not you. So I text her back saying it seemed we were actually quite a like after all. She was quite surprised and said he was a knob and I should not get hung up on it. I moved to a quieter area of the park put my sunglasses on and actually started crying in the middle of the park. Luckily I wasn't near anyone and no one could see me. I wasn't sobbing or anything but there were tears. I am quite hurt by it. I don't think you can help but take it personally. I was as nice as anything, I didn't say anything that would cause offence and I was nice. So I can only put it down to was the fact that he found me unattractive. So yet again I feel shit about my weight, scars and feel horrible. So yeah, I did take it personally. And he was the first person I kind of liked and was attracted to. And then that. So yes, I feel really shit about it. Really shit. I just wanted a nice day in the sun, having a couple of drinks and to take my mind off what is happening tomorrow with this meeting at uni. But no. Now I just feel shit. Really shit. And it sent my self harm urges in to overdrive. But, I am not going to give in to them. I am not going to let one person be the reason I self harm. I never have done and I won't.
So now I have come home. I needed the loo so I had to come home. And now I am feeling really miserable and shit and sorry for myself. I want to drink. I want to get totally pissed. If it wasn't for this meeting at uni tomorrow I would do. I have my usual session with the psychologist at 9.30am and then the meeting with the psychologist and course director at 2. If it wasn't for that meeting at 2 I would have just got really pissed tonight and called and cancelled my psychology session tomorrow saying I was ill.
So I will have a couple more beers and that is it. No getting totally wrecked for me. Even though I feel totally shit about myself. Grrrrr.
Tuesday, 9 July 2013
Psychology Session - 08/07/13
I didn't actually get to talk about what I wanted to talk about. We talked mainly about my going back to uni and how I would be able to cope I just need to start telling myself that and believing it. He said to look at evidence from the past at how I have coped and how I have never failed at anything. He's kind of got a point I suppose.
He asked how the last week had been and about 10 minutes before the end of the appointment he asked me if I had self harmed. I hadn't, but I said I was struggling with thoughts on Thursday evening. He asked what had happened and I said I had seen a friend and I had talked to her about a few things which I found really hard to talk about. I told him I had invited her round as there was something that I wanted to discuss with her. It was like I was talking in code, well I suppose I was as I didn't really want to mention it so close to the end of the appointment as it would feel rushed or we would have ended up running over and I didn't want to do that. I have a habit of not bringing up important big things until near the end of the appointment and he always asks me why I left it so long to bring up. So I didn't want to do that. I need to give it time to go over it, not rush it through.
Next week is the day of the important meeting with uni. He is coming with me in the afternoon. We have a meeting in the morning, but I doubt I will bring it up then as we will be talking about the meeting. So, it will have to wait until the week after. I will probably have changed my mind over it all then. So, giving it time is probably for the best.
I am mega stressing out about next week. I am getting in to such a panic over it and have even had thoughts of cancelling it because I find it all so hard. I am losing sleep over it and when I do actually get some sleep I am dreaming about it. I am knackered and just want a decent nights sleep. I am still 6 days away from it, and even then that is not the worst bit. I think it's going to be pretty informal and it's more for the psychologists benefit so he can find out more about the course. I am in such a huge mess over this, what the hell happens at the next stage that I have to be more involved in.
I am in a right mess over it all and I don't know what to do with myself about it really.
He asked how the last week had been and about 10 minutes before the end of the appointment he asked me if I had self harmed. I hadn't, but I said I was struggling with thoughts on Thursday evening. He asked what had happened and I said I had seen a friend and I had talked to her about a few things which I found really hard to talk about. I told him I had invited her round as there was something that I wanted to discuss with her. It was like I was talking in code, well I suppose I was as I didn't really want to mention it so close to the end of the appointment as it would feel rushed or we would have ended up running over and I didn't want to do that. I have a habit of not bringing up important big things until near the end of the appointment and he always asks me why I left it so long to bring up. So I didn't want to do that. I need to give it time to go over it, not rush it through.
Next week is the day of the important meeting with uni. He is coming with me in the afternoon. We have a meeting in the morning, but I doubt I will bring it up then as we will be talking about the meeting. So, it will have to wait until the week after. I will probably have changed my mind over it all then. So, giving it time is probably for the best.
I am mega stressing out about next week. I am getting in to such a panic over it and have even had thoughts of cancelling it because I find it all so hard. I am losing sleep over it and when I do actually get some sleep I am dreaming about it. I am knackered and just want a decent nights sleep. I am still 6 days away from it, and even then that is not the worst bit. I think it's going to be pretty informal and it's more for the psychologists benefit so he can find out more about the course. I am in such a huge mess over this, what the hell happens at the next stage that I have to be more involved in.
I am in a right mess over it all and I don't know what to do with myself about it really.
Wednesday, 3 July 2013
Been Thinking...(Talk of sexual abuse, may find triggering)
I have just watched a BBC documentary about rape and how it affects people and the process in which people have been raped go through. And it got me thinking. It made me think about the experience that happened when I was 15 on holiday where, well, I wouldn't call it rape, I haven't thought of it like that. I haven't wanted to. Other people have given it that name, but I haven't.
A couple of reasons really. I didn't really put up much of a fight and I probably could have done more to stop it from happening, and also, while it does niggle me, I am not overly affected by it. It is not something I dwell on. Yes, I see that it was wrong of him. He was 30, I was 15. Whoah, just writing that gave me a weird feeling. I am nearly the same age he was. And while in some respects thinking of the event it doesn't seem all that long ago, I think about what has changed in the last 14 years and how I have gone from a child into an adult. At the time I didn't feel like a child. But I was I suppose.
Anyway, back to my line of thought, he was 30, I was 15. That is wrong, it's weird that a bloke that old would want to sleep with someone that young. I look at 15 year olds now and am annoyed by them for how immature and child like they are. How can anyone of a considerable greater age find that attractive. I get maybe up to 5 years, but more than that, well it's wrong isn't it? So there is that.
It bothers me that he was married. I didn't find out until a couple of days after, and his wife was pregnant. So I actually feel bad about it, like I encouraged him to cheat on her. That I was somehow to blame in it all.
What I don't think I have mentioned before, I am not sure. Is that one of the girls I was friendly with (you know how you make holiday friends when you are that age), she was 14. And she told me he had slept with her, this was before it happened with me. Yet, I still knowingly went on my own with him in to a room on my own away from everyone else knowing that he had been with her. I remember a conversation I had with her about it. She was under the belief that as it was her first time she couldn't get pregnant. Seriously, who taught sex education back then? She had a crush on him and so after it happened with me and him I felt bad about it, like somehow I had taken something off her. I never told her what happened though, I think because I was ashamed and didn't want her to be angry at me.
I can't help but think I was a slutty 15 year old girl, who knew exactly what I was doing and even though I said no, I let it happen. It was only 4 months before I was 16, the legal age of consent. So, it's not like I was a child.
So, he would be around 44-45 now. His kid will be around 14. Not much younger than I was. What if, and it's a small if, he is some kind of sex offender who has never been caught and he has a thing for young girls? He was working in an environment where he was working with kids, what if he is still doing that. What if he is sleeping with young girls, what if he is more forceful with them than he was with me. I didn't want to do it, I said no, but was pressured in to it by him. There wasn't any force. I remember it hurting, and I remember there being blood. I even remember what colour pants I was wearing. I don't remember anything else about what I was wearing.
On the other hand. It was 14 years ago. All I have is his first name, a photo and the name of one of two hotels he was working at as I can't remember which one it was that year we stayed at (abroad in the Canary Islands). All I would be doing would be telling my story and it wouldn't go anywhere would it. They would wonder why I had not said anything all this time. I wouldn't be believed would I? Why would I only come forward now. But then on the other hand, what if it is something he has done since, what if he is still doing it? What if I, by reporting it could stop it from happening again. I have not been affected by it, but what if someone is deeply traumatised by it, or if someone could be? I would be stopping that wouldn't I? But then, I won't be believed. I hate to say it, but I am diagnosed with a mental health problem, one of those being PD traits. And, it's not exactly a great diagnosis when looking at credibility is it? I know that sounds harsh, what I mean is, the way in which others perceive it. It's not good. I would probably be seen as attention seeking etc.
I have always dismissed going anywhere with this as I have always felt it has not had a big impact on me. But seeing this program tonight has made me see what impact sexual assault does have on women. I have only ever thought about myself in all of this. But perhaps I need to think of others.
I don't really know what to do? Any advice here please would be great...
EDIT @ 22.18
Been looking at some things online and came across this...surly this person is not for real?
http://www.returnofkings.com/6886/3-signs-shes-making-a-false-rape-accusation
http://www.rooshv.com/how-to-avoid-a-false-rape-accusation
Tuesday, 2 July 2013
Psychology Session - 01/07/13
We spent quite a bit of time talking about how I feel about my brother. He asked me if there was anything I wanted to make sure we talked about and I said it was probably stupid but I told him what had happened and how I felt about him not contacting me on my birthday. I explained to him how although I was upset about it all I actually didn't really want him to contact me as then it would validate my feelings of being mad/pissed off with him.
He linked it to what I had told him a few weeks back how I always felt that he was seen as the golden boy and I was compared to him quite a bit. My brother is about to break up with his partner, I was telling the psychologist how it has always been a when it happens not if it happens. They don't have a great relationship and I think they have differing views on how to raise the children. He never gets up with them in the morning so it means she is always knackered as she is getting up each morning at 05.30am, where he is up until the early hours smoking weed and drinking every night. I told the psychologist this and he said he wondered if my brother was depressed as that was not something a normal person would do. I said he had always been like that so I didn't think that he was. But, I kind of got the impression the psychologist was trying to justify it in someway. Who knows. Maybe he knows something I don't? Anyway, he wondered if that now my brother was going through a break up that he was now not seen so much as the golden child and if in some ways I was relishing in it. I don't think he used those exact words, but I think it was his drift. I said I had not really thought about it and I doubted that that was the case anyway.
He pointed out that I looked really uncomfortable. I said I had had last Tuesday to feel sorry for myself and then since then I have tried not to think about it because when I do I feel shit. Yeah, so I have been avoiding it, like everything I find tough.
We spent about 45 minutes talking about it, I can't really remember what we said about it really.
We then moved on to uni stuff again. He said to me that he wasn't sure about my commitment to going back and he got the impression that I wanted him to make the decision for me. I don't think I do. Maybe there is some of it there in that if someone else makes the decision for me I can externalise it all. In that if it doesn't work out for me in that I go back and I can't cope then I can feel that someone else has that responsibility. Also if they decide that I can't go back then it is someone else's responsibility, not mine. He said he wasn't sure if it was what I wanted to do and that I seem blase about it. I explained to him that it is what I want to do but I am really scared and worried about it, that I won't be able to cope and I am going to mess it up and fail. So in not fully committing myself I can kind of avoid that. He said it was a very glass half empty approach. Which I suppose it kind of is. But it is my way of dealing with it to avoid getting hurt or avoiding the pain and anguish I will feel if things go wrong. I suppose it's the schema of failure going in to overdrive again.
He has asked me to write a pros and cons list, short and long term for going back to uni to do my course. So I need to do that. I think it's what I want to do. I am almost sure of it. But then am I thinking/feeling that because I feel if I don't do it it will just be another thing to add to my list of things that I have failed at (failure schema again!!!!).
I didn't really get an awful lot out of the session. He said that as well. He was the one who pointed it out. And I was quite honest with him and said how I was feeling worse at the end of it than I was when I came in. Then yesterday I was feeling shit all day. I didn't want another feeling sorry for myself day so I went for quite a long drive into the countryside. I was going to go for a walk but then it started to throw it down with rain and I was quite cold so I just went up to the lake and sat and had my lunch there before driving home. Then I really hammered it in the gym in the evening to get some frustrations out.
So how have things been in this last week? Well, Tuesday I did spend all day feeling very sorry for myself and not leaving the flat. I self harmed as well by swallowing. I couldn't tell him that though. So he was going on about how I am getting to master this not self harming all I did was sit there and feel awful that I wasn't. But it had been a while before that though since I last did it. He asked how I felt about not self harming. He said I should feel happy and proud of myself. I just said that I had gone periods of time before without self harming, sometimes months, but it is always something I come back to so I don't really feel anything when I don't do it. I don't feel I could tell him about the self harm, a couple of reasons really, the first being that he is the one who is going to be telling uni whether or not he feels I am ready to be going back. I don't think he would be saying I am ready if he knew I was what they class as seriously self harming. Another reason is because I don't know if they would be informing my parents if I tell them I have self harmed seriously. I can't take those risks. I can't! I know if I am not being honest it is not going to help me as much, but it is not something I feel I can risk at the moment. I see my CPN in just over a week so I will be asking her what the exact circumstances are of informing other people are, as at the moment for me it is a grey area.
I know they need to know if it is something I am doing still. So me lying about it isn't really helping anyone. But, if I am honest, it could actually have a negative impact on me.
A part from Tuesday where I felt quite shit I have made a real big effort to not let that bring me back under. I am aware of what the psychologist was saying the week before how something small could have an impact on me in the way in which I approach it. I don't know if steaming through, avoiding things is the best way to deal with it, but it is kind of working for me at the moment. I said while I am feeling good I do want to avoid things as I don't want bringing down. So we talked more about avoiding things and he said how sometimes it can be healthy but not all the time. In my case probably not healthy.
But, a part from Tuesday. I think this week has been ok. I have been quite busy and I have done a lot of exercise. I had a shit day yesterday. And today has been a nothing day as I have come down with a cold so I have allowed myself to have a PJ and TV day, but tomorrow, illness or not I am not letting my body give up on me and I am going to the gym and doing a class. Keep busy and avoid anything that makes me feel bad. Probably not the healthiest way to go about things, but at the moment it is working for me.
He linked it to what I had told him a few weeks back how I always felt that he was seen as the golden boy and I was compared to him quite a bit. My brother is about to break up with his partner, I was telling the psychologist how it has always been a when it happens not if it happens. They don't have a great relationship and I think they have differing views on how to raise the children. He never gets up with them in the morning so it means she is always knackered as she is getting up each morning at 05.30am, where he is up until the early hours smoking weed and drinking every night. I told the psychologist this and he said he wondered if my brother was depressed as that was not something a normal person would do. I said he had always been like that so I didn't think that he was. But, I kind of got the impression the psychologist was trying to justify it in someway. Who knows. Maybe he knows something I don't? Anyway, he wondered if that now my brother was going through a break up that he was now not seen so much as the golden child and if in some ways I was relishing in it. I don't think he used those exact words, but I think it was his drift. I said I had not really thought about it and I doubted that that was the case anyway.
He pointed out that I looked really uncomfortable. I said I had had last Tuesday to feel sorry for myself and then since then I have tried not to think about it because when I do I feel shit. Yeah, so I have been avoiding it, like everything I find tough.
We spent about 45 minutes talking about it, I can't really remember what we said about it really.
We then moved on to uni stuff again. He said to me that he wasn't sure about my commitment to going back and he got the impression that I wanted him to make the decision for me. I don't think I do. Maybe there is some of it there in that if someone else makes the decision for me I can externalise it all. In that if it doesn't work out for me in that I go back and I can't cope then I can feel that someone else has that responsibility. Also if they decide that I can't go back then it is someone else's responsibility, not mine. He said he wasn't sure if it was what I wanted to do and that I seem blase about it. I explained to him that it is what I want to do but I am really scared and worried about it, that I won't be able to cope and I am going to mess it up and fail. So in not fully committing myself I can kind of avoid that. He said it was a very glass half empty approach. Which I suppose it kind of is. But it is my way of dealing with it to avoid getting hurt or avoiding the pain and anguish I will feel if things go wrong. I suppose it's the schema of failure going in to overdrive again.
He has asked me to write a pros and cons list, short and long term for going back to uni to do my course. So I need to do that. I think it's what I want to do. I am almost sure of it. But then am I thinking/feeling that because I feel if I don't do it it will just be another thing to add to my list of things that I have failed at (failure schema again!!!!).
I didn't really get an awful lot out of the session. He said that as well. He was the one who pointed it out. And I was quite honest with him and said how I was feeling worse at the end of it than I was when I came in. Then yesterday I was feeling shit all day. I didn't want another feeling sorry for myself day so I went for quite a long drive into the countryside. I was going to go for a walk but then it started to throw it down with rain and I was quite cold so I just went up to the lake and sat and had my lunch there before driving home. Then I really hammered it in the gym in the evening to get some frustrations out.
So how have things been in this last week? Well, Tuesday I did spend all day feeling very sorry for myself and not leaving the flat. I self harmed as well by swallowing. I couldn't tell him that though. So he was going on about how I am getting to master this not self harming all I did was sit there and feel awful that I wasn't. But it had been a while before that though since I last did it. He asked how I felt about not self harming. He said I should feel happy and proud of myself. I just said that I had gone periods of time before without self harming, sometimes months, but it is always something I come back to so I don't really feel anything when I don't do it. I don't feel I could tell him about the self harm, a couple of reasons really, the first being that he is the one who is going to be telling uni whether or not he feels I am ready to be going back. I don't think he would be saying I am ready if he knew I was what they class as seriously self harming. Another reason is because I don't know if they would be informing my parents if I tell them I have self harmed seriously. I can't take those risks. I can't! I know if I am not being honest it is not going to help me as much, but it is not something I feel I can risk at the moment. I see my CPN in just over a week so I will be asking her what the exact circumstances are of informing other people are, as at the moment for me it is a grey area.
I know they need to know if it is something I am doing still. So me lying about it isn't really helping anyone. But, if I am honest, it could actually have a negative impact on me.
A part from Tuesday where I felt quite shit I have made a real big effort to not let that bring me back under. I am aware of what the psychologist was saying the week before how something small could have an impact on me in the way in which I approach it. I don't know if steaming through, avoiding things is the best way to deal with it, but it is kind of working for me at the moment. I said while I am feeling good I do want to avoid things as I don't want bringing down. So we talked more about avoiding things and he said how sometimes it can be healthy but not all the time. In my case probably not healthy.
But, a part from Tuesday. I think this week has been ok. I have been quite busy and I have done a lot of exercise. I had a shit day yesterday. And today has been a nothing day as I have come down with a cold so I have allowed myself to have a PJ and TV day, but tomorrow, illness or not I am not letting my body give up on me and I am going to the gym and doing a class. Keep busy and avoid anything that makes me feel bad. Probably not the healthiest way to go about things, but at the moment it is working for me.
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