He picked up on my mood almost straight away. He said most people go on holiday to recharge their batteries but I go and come back drained. He said I had it as though my mood battery was full before I was going and now it's back on empty again. He said it made him anxious as he was supposed to be writing a report for uni stating my fitness to practice and my ability to undertake the course.
He asked about self harm and I was half honest. I told him I had attempted to swallow but I threw it back up as I was retching on it. I didn't tell him I then got another one and managed to swallow it without throwing it back up.
He said he thought it was all because I hadn't been sleeping and that I had run myself down by drinking so much while I was away. He asked me why I drank so much when I knew what it did to me. I explained how I was drinking it so my parents weren't having so much. And he just said well weren't they buying more knowing you were drinking also. They brought the same amount anyway whether or not I was drinking or not so it didn't make much difference.
He asked me if I had thought about killing myself. I said not and he said he didn't believe it as it didn't fit. So I said I had a little but not in detail as what ever I had tried in the past didn't work and I wouldn't do something if I wasn't sure it was going to work as I didn't want to go through all that all over again. Also, I do want to go back to uni and get a career. Being dead doesn't really fit in with all of that does it.
He said he thought I was holding back on something big. I wasn't really. I didn't mention that my ex's sister was getting married this week and I was feeling shit about that, it seems pretty trivial and I didn't really want to go in to it.
We talked a bit about how I feel with things with with my brother and I said I was hurt and angry and I wanted to sit on it a while as I don't usually stay angry at people for long and I knew that if I was the first to make contact I would cave, agree that it was all my fault and then feel as though I had no right to be angry. Yet, at the same time I felt bad as he had just moved out of the family home as he broke up with his partner, the mother of his children. And that no one from my family had really been in contact with him to see how he was doing. Although, I didn't say this but he from what he is putting on Facebook it seems as though he is happy with his new place. But this could all be a front.
So I feel bad for not contacting him. Part of the reason I have not contacted him is because I am avoiding the issue. He wants to have a talk about what I did and how close I came to dying etc. To tell me how selfish I am and that I don't think of others etc etc etc. I don't want to do that. I may be selfish, but I know if we have a talk I will end up agreeing with him over everything, well saying I agree while secretly seething because while I may have been selfish, I don't think anyone considers how I actually felt in all of this, that I felt so bad and could see no other way than ending it all. So yeah, I know it is selfish, but what about me?
So the Psychologist said I need to make sure I look after myself. Not to drink, to ensure I get enough sleep and to be kind to myself. To keep telling myself that I feel like this because of the physical reasons, in that it's down to lack of sleep and having drank too much. So it will get better in a few days. He said I need to try and not let it cycle down and down and to see that I can be ok. I can be happier.
I am trying. I really am. I am trying to be kind to myself. But sometimes the urges are so over whelming. I said I was angry at myself and the situation as I blame myself and I had gone quite a while without any urges to SH yet now they were back and strong. And I had already given in to them.
I don't think I am going to be seeing him for 3-4 weeks now. Hopefully, by the next time I see him I will have come out of this low and that I won't have done anything major.