Monday, 5 August 2013

Waiting at Hospital

I arrived and was seen by triage nurse. She was lovely. I asked if I'd have to see anyone from mental health and she said I scored low on their scale so possibly not. I did fudge it a little and down play it as I don't want to talk to anyone I don't know.

It's really got me thinking this. I've just read someone's blog who is being forced into leaving the country to go get the treatment she needs, she can't get it where she is as of the post code lottery and there is no funding in the area she is in. She's a British citizen. I think it's disgraceful that that is what she is being forced to do. Then there are people like me who must be such a drain on services, get everything. I see a CPN, a psychiatrist, an OT and see a psychologist on a weekly basis. A psychologist who as far as I am aware sees only inpatients. A year ago, yes a year ago it was decided as I have a good relationship with him that he would see me for a few more sessions and end contact. A year on I am now seeing him weekly and he is helping me with uni and writing a report for me. He is going beyond his duty for me.

Just how much money is being spent on me? How much time is invested? I feel awful that all this time and effort is being put in and when it finally seems as though I'm getting somewhere I end up going backwards and fucking up by self harming. All that time and effort for nothing. I'm frustrated with myself, so they must be tearing their hair out. I would be if I was in their position.

I feel as though I am getting nowhere at times. I think I am then bam! Back to where we started. If it wasn't for needing them so I can get back on the course I'd probably discharge myself so that someone who would benefit more could be helped. So there I am again, being selfish. Putting my own needs first.

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