Tuesday, 6 August 2013

Actually Treated Like A Human.

That was probably the most pleasant hospital trip due to self harming reasons ever. I was in and out in an hour and a half. Then staff were nice. They asked me the usual. OK, so I wasn't fully honest. I knew if I was I would have to wait around for mental health services to come question me. So when they said if I had had thoughts of suicide I said no. It's as I said to the Psychologist at the appointment. I have had fleeting thoughts, but have not made any plans and I would never do anything like I did before again as it didn't work and I went to hell and back. So I just said no, I hadn't had thoughts about it. I know they wouldn't put me in hospital for how I am now, so I wasn't worried about that. But as soon as medical professions (not psychiatric) hear thoughts of suicide they want to cover all their bases. Can't blame them though can you.

I also didn't tell them I had swallowed a nail yesterday and today part of a spike from a bracelet and a razor blade. I didn't want to be kept in. If I did start to get pains I would go in, but I am not going in to be kept in over night for them the next day to tell me I can go but to come back if I feel pain. So no point there. I don't even know why I have swallowed. In the past I have been quite ambivalent about it and if it did cause damage it was a bonus. But, I don't really want it to cause damage and I don't want to die. I don't think so anyway. So not sure on the whole swallowing thing. It was probably something I should have discussed with my psychologist this morning when I saw him. I didn't tell him I did succeed, just that I tried and threw it up as I retched on it. Oh well. Maybe, if I remember I will talk about it when I see him at the next appointment in 3 weeks.

I do feel bad about the appointment as he said I was making him anxious over this report for uni and him saying I am good to go back.

So how am I feeling now.

It's quite odd. I feel good. I usually have cutters remorse a few hours after doing it and feel more anxious when I get home from the hospital. But there is none of that. Maybe tomorrow I will. Maybe tomorrow I will feel the guilt. But at the moment there is none of that at all. It's weird. In a way quite worrying. That usually stops me from doing it again for a while. But my brain is telling me now that when I feel as shit as I was all I need to do is have a cutting session and I will feel better.

Anyway, it will all probably change tomorrow when cutters remorse sets in.

No comments: