Friday, 2 August 2013

I'm Back!

I have probably got quite a bit to write about, so this could be a long post. I do wish I had written more about the psychology session and the meeting at uni before I went away as now I can't remember any thing at all about the psychology session and only a little about the meeting at uni.

What I do remember is that my Psychologist was brilliant. I was really nervous about the meeting and didn't want to be there at all. The course director talked about the course and what it entails. I think he had a pretty good idea about it as he had been talking to some Social Workers that work at the same hospital so he had a pretty good idea of the amount of work and the stresses that come with it.

It was quite a quick meeting, my course director basically talked about the course, how I had been doing and just general stuff. She then said she was concerned though as when I met her in June I had told her I hadn't been working or anything since coming out of hospital. I didn't tell her that the reality is that it has only been the last month or so where I would have been able to function in the work place or doing anything constructive. Obviously she doesn't know about how I nearly died through my own actions in April and that I was in hospital again because of it. I really didn't know what to say. But my Psychologist jumped straight in for me saying how I have been in a work routine now for the past few months and how I have been seeing him first thing on a Monday morning and how I have always been on time and ready to get on with it. He then went on to say how he could say for sure that he thought I was ready to go back and how it would be good for me and would be an important part of my recovery and telling her how well I was doing. He also said that although he hadn't said it to me yet, and he probably wasn't sure if I would agree with him, but he would say that I was now in recovery (I've not felt it for the last week but that's to come).

So we talked about the fitness to practice panel which is the next stage. We would both have to write a report for it. He was also asked if he would be able to attend, if I wanted him to. I was asked if I did, but I felt a bit put on the spot and didn't want to say yes, so I just said that if it didn't need to be decided now, then it would be something we could discuss. After seeing how he jumped in to save me in that, when I wasn't really coming under much scrutiny, I want him at the panel. If I get stumped it would be great to have someone else in my corner. The course director asked when he would be available and kind of said that the panel could be when he is available at the beginning of September. I don't want to seem that I am relying on him too much. But I do want him to be there if he can be. He has done so much for me already and I don't want to put him out more. I am sure it's not in his job description and he is doing so much more than he needs to. He has been fantastic.

So the course director said she would email the placement director and copy both the psychologist and myself in. She did this the next day. It's been nearly 3 weeks and still haven't heard anything from her regarding this panel. Maybe she is on annual leave or something. But I was hoping that we would have had a reply now as I am meeting with the psychologist on Monday and won't see him again for a month so it is probably the only opportunity we would have to go over the reports and discuss it further before the panel. But, haven't heard anything so who knows what is going on.

After the meeting the psychologist and I walked out together. As we left the building he asked me what was wrong. He said I was totally frozen during the meeting. I just said I was trying to not show outward signs of anxiety as I am aware of some of the things I do when I am anxious, things like my leg going up and down, my playing with my bracelet, taking my ring off and playing with that, fiddling with my earrings etc etc etc. He said yeah and also playing with your necklace which you were doing all the way through. I haven't really picked up on that one before, but as soon as he mentioned it I did realise it is something I do all the time.

He said he could tell something else was wrong with me. I didn't really know what to say. I just felt so on edge and anxious over the meeting and was coming down from that. I was also feeling very pessimistic over how it went and how the course director raised concerns over how I hadn't done anything recently. All I had going through my mind was negative thoughts along the lines of well that's it, what's the point even trying if I am not going to get anywhere with it etc etc etc. Basically thinking I am a failure etc etc. I didn't really want to go into all of this while we were standing outside uni etc so I just said I wasn't sure how I was feeling and was probably just residual anxiety from the massive anxiety I was feeling about the meeting.

So that was the meeting at uni...

So on to the holiday. I was really looking forward to it. And on the whole, it was good. Except the weather and being in a tent which meant I didn't sleep more than about 4 hours a night for the 12 days I was away. Some days it rained so much that we couldn't do anything and the 3 of us were confined to being inside the motor home all day. It was really annoying. 3 people in such a confined space for so long. Not fun. One night my brother rang my mum and he had a bit of a go at her. I have not spoken to him in ages and we are not really talking at the moment. But I have written about that before. I said to my Mum that I was quite upset with him and what his partner had said to me about it. Basically along the lines of how he had done so much for me and he feels I have not given anything back. That hurts. I am not sure what he has wanted from me, and it really got me thinking about how when I was in hospital under section for a year, a hospital that was only a 2 minute drive away from his house and how he only came to see me about 3 times in the whole year! So yeah, I am hurt by that.

So, I told my Mum I was upset and she got all angry at me saying how he was right in telling me I was selfish because I was. If I wasn't selfish I would have never have tried to kill myself as I would be aware of what it would do to my family etc. And then she started this whole charade of abuse at me saying how selfish I was that people were sick of pussy footing around me and really laying in to me saying what I had put them through etc etc etc. She was very drunk so she wasn't holding back. She just kept saying did you stop and think how we were feeling etc. It got me so angry. But I just sat there and took it all as I wasn't going to argue back and I didn't want to get in to an argument. But I was thinking about how I was feeling and what I was going through, that I was feeling so bad that that was the only way out I could see and that was what I wanted at the time. She kept telling me how seriously ill I was and how I was in a coma and the machines were breathing for me as I wasn't making any effort to breathe at all and that without the machines I would have died. She was telling me how they had been told I may not pull through and that I was critically ill.

I know I am probably selfish, I do get that. But, no one seems to understand that I was feeling so bad and I was in such a place that I saw death as being more favourable to living. What about that? So sorry, I know it's selfish, but what about me?! Negative comment all the way on that one!

So I was quite upset at that. I was so angry and I had massive self harm urges because I was so angry. And I would have done something but everything I had that I could have used to self harm was in the van and I was in the tent with nothing around me to do anything with and I wasn't going to go in to the van waking them both up and face questions about what I was doing and why I was in there. So I just laid there with these awful feelings and feeling so out of control that I didn't know what to do with myself. I think I cried myself to sleep.

I was really ready to come home. The weather was crap and after spending so much time with my parents I just wanted my own space.

The journey home was a nightmare. While I was waiting for the bus at the airport I was feeling really anxious. I didn't really know why, I just put it down to being tired and feeling run down. But the longer I was there the more thinking I did. And I realised that I had spent a good few hours at the same airport bus station 2 years ago, feeling so shit and had pretty much decided there that I was going to end it all. I remember speaking to the counsellor I was seeing at the time while I was there and telling her how shit I was feeling. And then after that, it was only a few days later where I did take a massive OD and ended up in intensive care for 2 nights unconscious on a ventilator for the first time. So I put the anxious feelings down to being where I was.

So, how have I been mood wise etc? I am a bit worried as I have barely slept in the last two weeks that I could be spiralling again. I thought I would be fine as soon as I got home and that a good nights sleep in my own bed and I would feel so much better. But no, that was not to be. I barely slept last night either. So I can't blame my not sleeping on being in a tent and being away. Also, last year I spent nearly 3 weeks in a tent and I was fine. I told my friend I was a bit worried as sometimes lack of sleep can be a trigger for me, and it can also be a sign that I am not doing well as well. So she told me to call my CPN and get some sleeping pills. I said I was seeing her next week anyway and if things hadn't improved I would talk to her about it then. She said I was being stupid because I knew it could trigger things and also that it can be a relapse sign. So I should call today. So I did and she wasn't there. So I called my GP surgery and the receptionist got the on call doctor to call me. I was expecting to wait hours for a call, but within 5 minutes the doctor called me. I told him how sometimes it can be a relapse sign and can also trigger relapse and that I was worried and I was wondering if I would be able to get some sleeping pills for a few nights to try and trigger me back into sleeping properly. I think I worried him a  little, he started asking me all these questions about thoughts of wanting to harm myself etc etc etc and said he thought I should contact my team etc. I said my CPN wasn't in, I was seeing her, my psychologist AND my OT next week. So that calmed him down a bit and he said it would be quite appropriate to give me 7 nights of sleeping pills.

I am feeling quite shit mood wise. I had a few very down days while I was away and have had no motivation to do anything. I thought it was just being home sick and that I was feeling run down as of lack of sleep and drinking quite a bit and eating crap. I was drinking every night. If it hadn't have been for my parents I wouldn't have done. But, they were buying it and drinking every night and I felt that if I didn't drink that would mean my Mum would drink more and cause problems. I didn't want to drink that much but I thought it better doing that than dealing with my parents when they are very drunk. So, no drinking for me for a while now. I don't want it anywhere near me. But, even though I am home I am still feeling quite shit. I have had some massive urges today. I have got up twice and been to where I have things that I would swallow, I don't know why I haven't yet. But I haven't. It's been about 5 weeks since I last did something. Which is pretty good for me.

I have an idea of why I may be feeling bad. It's kind of stupid really. It may not even be that. My ex's sister is getting married on Tuesday. She met the guy just after GOM and I broke up so I don't know him very well. I have only met the guy twice. But it's really weird. She was such a big part of my life for 9 years and I saw her as like a sister and his family as my family. I miss that. They were such a big part of my life for so long and now they're not. I don't miss GOM really. I don't want to be with him. But I do have some resentment towards his new girlfriend as she now is part of their life, and I am not. She's welcome to him. But I miss his family. I am not sure whether or not she will be at the wedding as I think they have only been in a relationship a couple of months. Why do I feel like this? Is it stupid? Is it jealousy? They are all going off abroad for this wedding as a family and I am not involved.

It's a stupid thing to be making me feel bad isn't it?

And that has been the last couple of weeks. Next week I have 3 crazy appointments, and then nothing for a month or so as the psychologist is on holiday. Bit worried that I won't be seeing anyone. Maybe I can see my CPN when I am supposed to be seeing him. Don't know. I suppose we will talk about it next week when I see her.

If it is this whole wedding thing, combined with me being tired and run down, then I just want next week to be over with as soon as possible.

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