Wednesday, 3 July 2013

Been Thinking...(Talk of sexual abuse, may find triggering)

I have just watched a BBC documentary about rape and how it affects people and the process in which people have been raped go through. And it got me thinking. It made me think about the experience that happened when I was 15 on holiday where, well, I wouldn't call it rape, I haven't thought of it like that. I haven't wanted to. Other people have given it that name, but I haven't.

A couple of reasons really. I didn't really put up much of a fight and I probably could have done more to stop it from happening, and also, while it does niggle me, I am not overly affected by it. It is not something I dwell on. Yes, I see that it was wrong of him. He was 30, I was 15. Whoah, just writing that gave me a weird feeling. I am nearly the same age he was. And while in some respects thinking of the event it doesn't seem all that long ago, I think about what has changed in the last 14 years and how I have gone from a child into an adult. At the time I didn't feel like a child. But I was I suppose.

 Anyway, back to my line of thought, he was 30, I was 15. That is wrong, it's weird that a bloke that old would want to sleep with someone that young. I look at 15 year olds now and am annoyed by them for how immature and child like they are. How can anyone of a considerable greater age find that attractive. I get maybe up to 5 years, but more than that, well it's wrong isn't it? So there is that.

It bothers me that he was married. I didn't find out until a couple of days after, and his wife was pregnant. So I actually feel bad about it, like I encouraged him to cheat on her. That I was somehow to blame in it all.

What I don't think I have mentioned before, I am not sure. Is that one of the girls I was friendly with (you know how you make holiday friends when you are that age), she was 14. And she told me he had slept with her, this was before it happened with me. Yet, I still knowingly went on my own with him in to a room on my own away from everyone else knowing that he had been with her. I remember a conversation I had with her about it. She was under the belief that as it was her first time she couldn't get pregnant. Seriously, who taught sex education back then? She had a crush on him and so after it happened with me and him I felt bad about it, like somehow I had taken something off her. I never told her what happened though, I think because I was ashamed and didn't want her to be angry at me.

I can't help but think I was a slutty 15 year old girl, who knew exactly what I was doing and even though I said no, I let it happen. It was only 4 months before I was 16, the legal age of consent. So, it's not like I was a child.

So, he would be around 44-45 now. His kid will be around 14. Not much younger than I was. What if, and it's a small if, he is some kind of sex offender who has never been caught and he has a thing for young girls? He was working in an environment where he was working with kids, what if he is still doing that. What if he is sleeping with young girls, what if he is more forceful with them than he was with me. I didn't want to do it, I said no, but was pressured in to it by him. There wasn't any force. I remember it hurting, and I remember there being blood. I even remember what colour pants I was wearing. I don't remember anything else about what I was wearing.

On the other hand. It was 14 years ago. All I have is his first name, a photo and the name of one of two hotels he was working at as I can't remember which one it was that year we stayed at (abroad in the Canary Islands). All I would be doing would be telling my story and it wouldn't go anywhere would it. They would wonder why I had not said anything all this time. I wouldn't be believed would I? Why would I only come forward now. But then on the other hand, what if it is something he has done since, what if he is still doing it? What if I, by reporting it could stop it from happening again. I have not been affected by it, but what if someone is deeply traumatised by it, or if someone could be? I would be stopping that wouldn't I? But then, I won't be believed. I hate to say it, but I am diagnosed with a mental health problem, one of those being PD traits. And, it's not exactly a great diagnosis when looking at credibility is it? I know that sounds harsh, what I mean is, the way in which others perceive it. It's not good. I would probably be seen as attention seeking etc.

I have always dismissed going anywhere with this as I have always felt it has not had a big impact on me. But seeing this program tonight has made me see what impact sexual assault does have on women. I have only ever thought about myself in all of this. But perhaps I need to think of others.

I don't really know what to do? Any advice here please would be great...

EDIT @ 22.18

Been looking at some things online and came across this...surly this person is not for real?


Anonymous said...

Hey Golden,
I first want to say I am sorry to hear about your sexual abuse. It is a terrible crime he committed against you.
I also want to say that what he did to you was rape. You were under age and you said no. Thats sexual abuse and rape. He needs to be prosecuted for that alone. But because of the fact that this wasn't his first time, I am sure it isn't his last either. He needs to be stopped! If not for yourself, do it for that 15 year old girl he could be abusing right now.
I was sexually abused by my father. He had an "open invitation" to his bed any night mom wasn't around. So I wasn't forced to sleep with him, but in my young mind I thought it would be rude to say no. He was my father after all and besides, the massages felt amazing. When oral sex pursued, my body responded. It didn't mean I liked it, it meant my father was a pedophile. My brain couldn't comprehend that he was doing this for his pleasure, not mine.
I was 11 years old when it first happened, younger than you were, but the law is the law. It doesn't matter if you were 2 or 15, he abused you. And even if you were 24, you said no!
I was his only daughter so clearly I was the only one he molested, I thought. Then when I was 18 years old I caught him in bed with my 9 year old niece. I stopped it there! He went to prison, that really sucked for our family. But the important part was my niece was safe and my other nieces will be too, at least from this abuser.
Do the right thing, you all ready are on the right track by talking about it. You are so strong! I am proud of you!
Michelle Huizinga

Golden Psych said...

Hi, I am sorry to hear what happened to you. It's awful.

I have looked in to a few things since I wrote that post and have found out that the legal age of consent in the country it happened is only 13. I was 15. So I doubt anything would happen of it.

I need to talk it over with my psychologist but I won't be able to do this until August at some point as I don't really want to talk about it on Monday as we will probably be going over what will be happening at uni that afternoon as it's the big meeting and then I won't see him for 2 weeks.

So it will just have to wait.

Thanks for your message.

Anonymous said...

Ok Golden. I am happy you looked into it. It amazes me a country would put consent at age 13. Girls have so much to learn so quickly. Take care.