Sunday, 18 October 2015

Still Feeling The Same

Still on a section 2. Not managed to run. Not been allowed to leave the ward in about 10days now. I feel as though I am in prison. I feel like a caged animal. Being in my room and suddenly the light going on and people peering through the window at me, watching me. I feel as though I am being punished because my thoughts don't conform with the majority.

I feel like a waste of space. I waste of air. Suppose so called friends who have "understanding don't help". I was saying to her I felt really guilty as all I am doing is sitting in a corner all day and watching stuff on netflix. That there are people on my college course who are really stressed out as it was hand in yesterday on a project that I have had to drop as I haven't been in the right frame of mind to work. Her reply was why haven't you done something while you are in hospital? I tried to explain to her that I lack the ability to read anything and produce a coherent sentence about it. All she said was that I sounded coherent to her. Being judged YET AGAIN!

They all do it. They all judge me. I think they think it's something I can snap out of. Something that I am wrong because I am here. That, well, not that they're jealous, but, somehow resent that I am not working full time, that I am here. That I am somehow weak and that I use this as some way of a reasoning for not being in work full time. I think they think I have it easy and that they wish they could "sit around all day doing nothing". I think I have said it before, but, I wish so much I was able to work full time. That I had been able to complete my social work training and be working as a social worker full time. That I had that 9-5 career. I'm sure they think that I should take just any job and if needs be move back with my parents and "suck it up". They all have their own shit. They don't have the luxury of falling a part as I have done. I am lucky.

I realised just now, only one of my "friends" has actually contacted me to see if I am ok. One of the girls texts me her usual trivial shit about her cats or something equally as inane. BUt, she has not once asked how things are. It has been me who volunteered. I get that I may have let them down in someway because I may have made plans. Or that they're busy But, it doesn't take 2 minutes to send a text to ask how things are.

Is it me. Am I being over sensitive. Am I over thinking and reading in to things wrong. Or, am I right in my thinking? Is it because this is my I don't know how many times now I've been in hospital that they don't actually care that much? If I was on a medical ward because of a medical illness, would things be different? If I had a medical illness that wiped me out as much as mental illness, would things be different?

On top of this, my brother hasn't contacted me once in the two weeks I have been here. And my Mum makes it seem as though I am inconvienience. That she is not sure she can find time in her such busy schedule to come see me and on the way stop at a shop to pick me up something for lunch or some tobacco.

I hate being reliant on people. I hate asking people to do things for me. One friend, ONE makes the effort to message me everyday. Asks how things are and asks me if I want her to do some shopping for me and drop it in for me. She'll go out of her way for me.

I get this sounds like "oh, poor me". But...I feel shit!

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