I feel every behaviour I have it put under scrutiny and it is just leading to a label as me being unstable. Take today. The nurse as soon as she saw me was telling me I needed to take my meds that moment, if I didn't I couldn't have a cigarette. I don't have my meds until 11. She was quite adamant as I hadn't taken them a couple of times when she was on last week, but, I have king of started a regime with them again. I don't take one of them, I hide that one and take a small bite out of it. I hate what it does to me. It dulls me. It sedates me too much. And, it makes me eat. I can't fill myself. I don't want to be like that when I have worked so hard to lose weight. I can't stop it completely as I really bad withdrawal effects from it.
Obviously I was quite angry with this nurse. They think I am taking all meds each night, and have been since Wednesday. So, I was pissed off that the first time she saw me she was up in my face. I got angry at her and told her how it had been for the last few nights and to ask the nurse she was going meds with as she has been on the last couple of nights. She soon calmed down. But I was pissed off. I then was muttering under my breath about how she is the only one who gets up all in my face about it making me anxious. She stormed out the med room having a go at me saying I was telling lies to the other patients and it wasn't fair on her. I was just muttering to myself about how I felt. I just said if that's what you think then fair enough but I wasn't. I have issues with this nurse. I get they want to check I am ok at night. I have asked them not to turn the light on, but I wedge the door so then can quietly pop and in make sure I am ok. She doesn't quietly pop in, she comes in all guns blazing and rips the covers from me. I can't sleep without the window open as it is suffocating in those rooms. The mattress is plastic as are the duvets and pillows so you can imagine you can get quite hot, so you need the window open to breath fresh air and so that I can sleep how I like...all snuggled up. It makes me feel a bit secure and less anxious. I am aware people need to look at me at night...I don't have the best history. But to come in so noisily and yank the blankets off me, it's as though she is doing it to make a point.
I've had a bad day today and have been very close to cutting and tying up to try and kill myself. I have managed the thoughts on my own.I hadn't acted on them, I came close and I had it planned. But I didn't. Then she comes on and all those thoughts just come back even stronger. I am not going to talk to her about it, because my early behaviour of shouting at her and getting angry will reinforce their theory that I am not stable.
I feel everything I do is just feeding in to their theory that I am not stable.
I don't think there is anything to do.
I don't know what I have to do to get out of here. I am taking my meds (mostly), I talk to staff, I do what they tell me to do. But, I have that thing there where I know I want to kill myself and I know how I will do it. I can't see that thought changing. I don't think I have low mood. So, it's not as though the judgement is based on that. It is something I have to do. I can't see the ward changing my views on this.
So, I don't know how I am going to get out of here. If I lie and I say I have changed my mind I don't think that they will believe me. I am adamant about this.
I've been hearing a voice that is telling me I need to work on getting away from here by forms of escape. That things won't change for me. That what I want to do is the right option. It's like someone has infiltrated my thoughts and they are projecting their thoughts in to my head. It's like an internal conversation and all I can say is I am trying. I am looking for misplaced keys, I am looking for a bank staff member to let me off the wall. Now the nights are dark at 5pm, I think I may find this easier. But, on the other hand, I need to wait until the majority of staff have left and all that is left is ward staff. So, it would need to be around 8pm. I know where I will run to and who I will call to come get me. I know where I will go to get alcohol, and I have been storing those meds which make me drowsy. The alcohol will stop me feeling the cold and the meds will make me relax. So even though the water is cold at night, I think I will be ok. This male voice is telling me how much of an inconvience I am to other people. That I am a horrible person for the things I done in the past.
I'm having some pretty intense dreams to where people who I have been close to who have died have been telling me they are waiting for me and to hurry up. With my own thoughts, that I am clear on, I know what I have in my mind is the right thing to do and it's what I need to do.