Monday, 12 October 2015

No Change

I am obsessed by the river at the moment. I don’t know why. All my thoughts seem to be how I can get out of the hospital and get to the river. I thought I may have been presented with an opportunity last night but that didn’t happen. A wound has reopened on my leg and it is quite deep. I didn’t re open it myself, but I suppose it is my own fault. I shaved my legs and it pulled some of the sutures out. So it reopened. I have to get it seen to but, I won’t be going to hospital as they need 2 members of staff to take me as of my flight risk. So, I don’t think I’ll be going anywhere. Besides, I don’t want to go anywhere with a 2 member of staff escort. People stare. So, I would rather leave a hole in my leg than that.

I am always looking at my ways of escape from the ward. I have a review with the doc later, I am hoping she may give me some leave and if she does I can escape then. If not, I have positioned a chair near the fence outside, I think I could probably hop the fence if needs be. I will have to wait until it is dark though.

I am not sure if being in hospital is making things worse for me. I feel anxious all the time. It doesn’t help that I don’t really know why I am here. OK, I know being suicidal is probably the case, but, I have been suicidal before and haven’t been sectioned. I don’t understand what is different this time. I am seeing G tomorrow. I am feeling quite apprehensive about it. It will be the first time I have seen him since that night he was at my flat and I was assessed. I can’t remember what I had said to him or what really happened. I am not sure if he will fill me in or not. I may try get access to my notes to see what happened. But then on the other hand, I am not sure if I want to see any of G’s notes.

So the section 2 still stands and I have no idea what is going to happen to me. I have no idea how long I am likely to be here for. I have a feeling it’s going to be a while. It worries me with G thinking I needed to be in too. If he still thinks that, then I am screwed as he is the person who knows me the best. 

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