I am obsessed by the river at the moment. I don’t know why.
All my thoughts seem to be how I can get out of the hospital and get to the
river. I thought I may have been presented with an opportunity last night but
that didn’t happen. A wound has reopened on my leg and it is quite deep. I didn’t
re open it myself, but I suppose it is my own fault. I shaved my legs and it
pulled some of the sutures out. So it reopened. I have to get it seen to but, I
won’t be going to hospital as they need 2 members of staff to take me as of my
flight risk. So, I don’t think I’ll be going anywhere. Besides, I don’t want to
go anywhere with a 2 member of staff escort. People stare. So, I would rather
leave a hole in my leg than that.
I am always looking at my ways of escape from the ward. I
have a review with the doc later, I am hoping she may give me some leave and if
she does I can escape then. If not, I have positioned a chair near the fence
outside, I think I could probably hop the fence if needs be. I will have to
wait until it is dark though.
I am not sure if being in hospital is making things worse
for me. I feel anxious all the time. It doesn’t help that I don’t really know
why I am here. OK, I know being suicidal is probably the case, but, I have been
suicidal before and haven’t been sectioned. I don’t understand what is
different this time. I am seeing G tomorrow. I am feeling quite apprehensive
about it. It will be the first time I have seen him since that night he was at
my flat and I was assessed. I can’t remember what I had said to him or what
really happened. I am not sure if he will fill me in or not. I may try get
access to my notes to see what happened. But then on the other hand, I am not
sure if I want to see any of G’s notes.
So the section 2 still stands and I have no idea what is
going to happen to me. I have no idea how long I am likely to be here for. I
have a feeling it’s going to be a while. It worries me with G thinking I needed
to be in too. If he still thinks that, then I am screwed as he is the person
who knows me the best.
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