Sleep

I'm so bloody tired. I haven't slept properly since Tuesday night. Then that was because I took 2 zopiclone, double quetiapine and I was sedated from meds I had had in hospital. The most I have had since then is about 4 hours in one night. I feel horrible. I am exhausted.

All day I have been feeling like I needed to go to bed. Then I get in bed and I can't get to sleep. I have taken a Zopiclone and hopefully that will help me drop off tonight.

I saw crazy patrol today. Two people came round to follow up on my discharge from hospital. I told them I hadn't been taking the haloperidol. They had a bit of a go at me for it and advised I start taking it again. To say it's an anti-psychotic and has sedating properties it has some strange side effects. I thought it was just me being weird about it, but apparently, agitation and anxiety is a common side effect. I didn't know this until after the people had left as I only researched it this evening. Low and behold, a couple of hours after taking it, agitation and anxiety. I wonder how much of it is psychological though as I now know it is a valid side effect. I am not taking it again. I can't deal with feeling like this.

But, I don't feel as though I can say anything. The quetiapine was doing something. On the whole it helped long term. OK, I had the bad patch which, I have just come out of. But, I have been taken off it. To Dr T though, they will use this as proof that it wasn't working. Dr T won't want to put me on anything else, despite me knowing they generally help. He said when he put me on it, if I OD on anything while on it he will take me off it. Well, I was doing quite a bit of that wasn't I? But generally, it was helping. I'm tempted to start buying it offline and continue taking it. But, I am not sure I can afford it.

I don't know what to do. I really don't like Dr T and I have to see him in about 2 weeks. I can't keep taking the haloperidol. If it was up to me I would put me back on the meds I was on last year. Again, they used the OD (the one that nearly killed me) as a way of saying that medication wasn't working.

I don't know what to say. I suppose the most stable I have been in a long time is the last year. And that has been the lamotrigine and quetiapine. I have made a lot of lifestyle changes too. And that has helped. But, I do feel it's a combination of everything.

At the same time. I hate taking medication. I wonder what I am putting in to my body, what the long term effects are, that it's a reminder every night and every morning that I am not right. That I am not normal. But, I worry about stopping it and getting worse. I know that I was off medication for a couple of months last year, it was an awful two months. So, surely that shows that medication does help?

Or, is this all me? Wanting to put some external focus on my problems. But, then on the other hand, I've had more two and a half years of therapy now. Yet, I still have the same problems. G says I am doing better and I am dealing with things better. That things that would have set me off before, don't know and I can deal with them in a much healthier way. But, I am still having hospital admissions. 3 this year. But apparently, me saying yes I'll go in for respite is progress and a sign I am in recovery, or working towards it. It seems as though the last 3 years has not been about making me better, but about me learning to live with it all. Admitting when I need help. The experiences are the same. I am not happy with that. I don't want to be like this. I don't want to live my life fearing the next low. Then going through the low believing I would be better off dead and making plans to follow through with that belief. But then they say the more I fight against it and not surrender to it that each time it will become more easy. How the fuck do they know that.

I'm really not happy with the care I am receiving at the moment. I feel as though I have a constant fight on my hands. It's draining.

Out Of Hospital

I discharged myself Tuesday. So I was in a week. But, it worked. The time away meant that I was kept safe and didn't seriously harm myself. It gave me some time out and in a space where I was able to seek out help when I needed it. It meant that I didn't have easy access to means to end my life.

The delivery of medication never came. And, I contacted the company and told them I hadn't received them and could I please have a refund. And they agreed. Turns out they hadn't taken the money yet as there was a problem with the order and hadn't processed it yet. So that was quite easy.

I am not quite right still. It doesn't help they took me off Quetiapine. They stopped it all in one go. Luckily I had some spare at home so I am trying to taper the dose off myself. I get bad withdrawal from it. They have put me on 5mg of Haloperidol twice a day. I've been bad though and I have not been taking it. It makes me feel horrendous. For the last couple of days I was in hospital I felt really sedated and at the same time highly anxious and everything was fast. If that makes sense. It was like I was in a kind of mania but sedated at the same time. It works well as PRN medication for me usually. So I think I will let them think I am taking the medication and it's ok. That way I have some when I need it as PRN.

Does anyone else have experience of taking H as a standard medication? Do you get over the side effects? If you keep taking them do things even out? I don't feel I can talk to Dr T about anything. I don't have a good relationship with him. I was going to say things were OK before. But, I suppose judging by my last low and what I was doing, they weren't.

I have a couple of people coming from my team tomorrow. I think I am going to ask for a new doctor. I have had the same one coming up to 4 years now. And, I think it's time for a fresh pair of eyes.

Shit!!!!!

Was feeling pretty calm and ok. I'd had an ok day. Went swimming. Saw family. But then I saw an opportunity. I swallowed a battery. Why? I don't know. I've had opportunity all day to self harm etc. I could have done anything. But I get back on the ward. Back not much more than 2hours. And I do that. I'm fucking crazy.

It's probably a sign that hospital isn't working. Perhaps I need to be honest and tell them tomorrow that it's not working for me.

Seeing psychologist tomorrow. Worried about his reaction to what I've written about things the last couple of weeks. Some pretty dark miserable stuff. I keep a thought journal as well as this blog. It makes dark depressing reading.

Meh!!!!!!

Struggling In Hospital

It's my 4th night here now. Still really struggling. Been swallowing things as well. I feel the need to do something worse. I've taken medication but the urge is still there.

My normal medication has been changed. I'm no longer going to be on Quetiapine. Instead, I'm going to be on haloperidol 3x a day at 5mg. It really works for me as prn so hopefully it will help. I've also had the mood stabiliser increased. So hopefully it will help me.

The ward is quiet and settled which is good.

Despite being in hospital still having major thoughts of ending it. And yesterday I snuck off home to see if the medication I ordered had arrived. I'm beginning to think I've been done on this. I need to email the company. It's the same one I ordered Quetiapine from a few months back and that was real and came. So don't know what's occurring there?!

For now though. I'm just going to have to thy and smoke through it.

Hospital So Far.

Could have been worse. But then I don't remember most of yesterday. Before I found out I'd got a bed I took quite a high dose of anti psychotic meds. I thought it would just chill me out and make me sleep most the day. I didn't account on it suddenly hitting me about 7hours later and not being able to move or talk. I couldn't keep my eyes open and I was drooling all over myself. My legs couldn't support me.

I tried to hide it by getting in bed but the doctor came to see me and wanted me out of bed. I couldn't get my words out at all. So they cottoned on that I'd taken something and made me go to hospital. I kept coming round and being ok for a while. I refused to stay at the hospital and came back to the ward. Then the doctor came again to talk to me. Can't remember what happened really. But I was falling asleep as he was talking to me and him and a nurse kept shouting at me to stay awake.

Then half an hour later I was fine again. Went out for a cig and got back in bed and kept spilling scolding hot tea on me as I kept falling asleep. It was all quite surreal. I really didn't think that that amount of medication would have such an effect on me. It wasn't even 4x the max prescribed dose.

Today I've been very anxious. Urges are high. I've tried to be good. I've sought out a staff member and come out my room because there was too much temptation for me. I've taken some prn medication so I am hoping that that will kick in soon. It usually works well for me this particular combination. So I need to give it chance to work on me.

The ward I'm on is pretty quiet. So that's good. Hopefully I can manage this stay without informing my family.

I want to manage on my own. They are not helpful anyway when I'm ill. I tell them I don't want them to visit anyway so can't see point in telling them I'm here.

Found A Bed

Going to hospital for a few days. They did find a bed in the end. I am going to use it as some respite and will use the staff so that I don't harm etc.

3 Years...

The problems have been going on much longer than 3 years. I first went to a doctor about my problems in 2006. But, it is 3 years today since I was first hospitalised. After pretty much a year in hospital, the majority of this spent on Psychiatric Intensive Care Unit (PICU), where have I come? Where am I?

The main thing I would say is I am more aware of what causes the mood changes. How something spirals for me. How smaller things build up and I get sucked in to to the illness. Get engulfed by it. But, it being aware progress? It's still happening isn't it? I am still self harming. I am still making plans. I am still feeling the same as I was 3 years ago. I have the same thought processes. OK, I suppose I can manage to stay well for longer. I have realised the importance of a healthy lifestyle. I cut down alcohol, I exercise, I eat well. But, when I get bad. I get bad. Just as bad, if not worse than I was before. Each time it seems worse. The self harm gets worse. The plans become more solid. So what do I do? I don't see a way out of this. 

I am more willing to accept help now. But, I feel as though I can't win. I don't like asking for help as I worry as I am being seen as attention seeking. I don't like to specify what helps and what doesn't because I worry that I will be seen as manipulative. I don't feel like I can speak out and voice how I am really feeling in case I am seen to be manipulating them. 

The feelings are getting stronger and more intense. But, I don't feel as though I can tell them that. Because, I am waiting for a bed in hospital. And I worry that if I say how much more intense the urges and feelings are getting then it looks as though I am saying "you best hurry up and get me a bed or I will do something to hurt myself". 

I feel that by saying I won't take a bed in a particular hospital (about 45miles away) that I am seen as being manipulative. I have my reasons about not wanting to take this bed. It's so far away and I don't know any of the staff, so have no relationship with anyone at all. I worry what this will do to my impulses etc...I don't feel as though I can win. I know from past experience I need to be around people I have a relationship with already. It helps me be more honest and open with them. Also, they can read me. They know what works for me as well. For instance, if hospital does not help and the risks increase because I am in hospital, they know that being in hospital is not good for me. So, they will discharge me. I worry that if I am somewhere I don't know and being in hospital made me worse, that the staff would counter act this by placing me in a more secure ward or putting me on a section. And then that would make me worse. 

In the past hospital admissions haven't been helpful. I am taking a risk saying I will go in. It may not help. But on the chance it will, I have said I am willing to be admitted. Also, I really can't keep myself safe at the moment. I am doing risky things and getting by taking small regular overdoses. My irrational mind tells me that because I was checked out at hospital on Friday, that it's obviously ok for me to carry on doing what I was doing. There is some rational thought in there somewhere. But, it's fleeting and I can't grab on to it.

One of the things that is always on my mind when having being diagnosed with traits of PD is that I am seen as manipulative. I have seen and heard many comments from professionals about people with the diagnosis. I feel that everything I do is being scrutinised and everything I do is labelled as a PD thing. That me self harming is just an attention seeking thing, that me saying no to a bed and still self harming is just manipulating them in to finding one in the hospital I would prefer. That me being honest and telling them how I feel and that I do need help is me being manipulative of them making them find a bed quicker.

I think being stuck with the label of a PD diagnosis or even PD traits is a bloody awful thing. I feel as though I am untreatable and that anything I do I am attention seeking. 

I'm torn as to what to do. Pull away because I don't want to be seen as though I am attention seeking (but risk things getting a lot worse), or ask for help but risk being seen as attention seeking and manipulative and possibly not getting treatment as if I am attention seeking it's best not to reward attention seeking behaviour.

I need help, I know that. But, does that necessarily mean I am attention seeking? Does having the insight in to the fact that I need help mean that I don't actually need it?

So, I feel pretty messed up over this. I wonder if I could manage on my own. Tell them that I don't need their input. To give it to someone who would benefit more. Someone who is suffering psychosis for instance. 

I think they are pretty much giving up on me anyway. I won't be seeing G for much longer. I do appreciate why. He can't go on seeing me forever. I can't carry on seeing him just because I like him and feel as though I can be honest with him. I do find the meetings helpful most of the time. I have found someone who I can open up to and I can trust that they are doing what's in my best interests. And, someone who tells it like it is. He will question me and make me think. And get annoyed with me when I am being stupid. But, I can't say how much it has helped over all in the grand scheme of things as I have nothing to compare it to. I can't say where I would be if I had had never had the therapy. 

It does worry me though that the medics say all I need is therapy, that medication isn't the answer. So, for the last 2.5 years I have been doing therapy. Medication isn't the answer apparently. So what is?

I feel like I have failed at the whole therapy thing. Surly after such intense work I shouldn't be where I am now. But, I do really like G. I am untreatable, I will always be like this. I am a drain on resources. 

At the same time though, if therapy is the answer, I don't want to stop it. I need to continue to work at it. I worry that if I stop, or see someone else I won't be able to open up to them. I will have to start all over again. 

I'm tired. All I can see is my life like this for the rest of my life. I have done what I have been told and I have got no where. I don't want to live my life as a constant battle of wanting to stay alive. I want to be normal.

Not Sure I Want Input Anymore

I don't want to work with the teams any more. I am not sure if it is helping. I don't want them coming round to my house. I don't want to work with them. I just want to be left alone and to get on with the plan I had. But, that's not going to happen is it.

Also, it's the irrational side of me talking. I still have some, a tiny part of rationality left in me. But, it is there. I am making stupid decisions. Some that could have potentially ruined my life. I was stupid. But, there is a big part of me that wants to run away. I want to go check in to a hotel and not be bothered by people on the HTT etc. I don't want to see my Doctor. I don't see the point in it. But, what is stopping me is I don't have the money to go hide out in a hotel. I have rinsed my savings in the last few months.

It's all so....I don't know. I can't think of the word.

Give It All Up...

Oh give it all up, the sun has set, No one's coming to rescue you
Oh give it all up, the sun has set, You know that guy is wrong for you
I thought it was the weekend
But where are my friends?
It's Friday night
Don't ever, don't ever let it end
This is not something that I do best
This is not a heart within my chest
This is not a subject I understand
This is not the evening we had planned
But I know you now like I knew you then
This will all repeat itself again
This is not the end, this is not the end
This is not the end, this is not the end
Friday night, I don't wanna wake up alive

Still Waiting

I don't expect there will be a bed today. And not over the weekend, so I guess it'll be next week.

I had a visit from crisis team yesterday. I had left some empty pill packets on the table and some things I had straightened out and then swallowed. He asked me about it and I couldn't lie. So I told him I had been taking small ODs as a form of self harm. I knew that taking those particular pill is not effective. It can cause damage long term, but, I don't think I am taking enough of it. Anyway, I told the guy who came and he asked me to go to ED. I said no. So, he said he was going to go and speak to his team. An hour later I have a phone call telling me he has called an ambulance as he has a duty of care etc etc etc. A bit after that I get a phone call from ambulance control asking me if I wanted one. I said no, it's ok thanks. So they said ok, we won't send one. And it was left at that.

I'm not going to sit in the hospital hours for them to tell me I don't need treatment and then be assessed by the psychology team within the hospital. They have no idea of anything about me, they go right back to the beginning asking things like when I first self harmed, what my childhood was like etc etc etc. Then write a letter to my GP and Dr T telling them a history that they probably know off by heart. And they usually get bits wrong, like my age, if I am in a relationship etc etc.

Bit worried though that they are still trying to get in contact with Dr T. I am worried what he is going to say. I think it will be one of three options. The first being that he says that I am pushing them by taking these ODs (it's not that, once I have taken a small OD I feel much more calm and chilled out, the anxiety goes, I feel as though I can sit and relax a little. But I am worried I may be seen as being manipulative or attention seeking. It's why I didn't tell them to start off with, they figured it out for themselves), and say I obviously don't want help if I am not engaging properly and am manipulating them in to getting a bed in a hospital I know, and I wouldn't have turned down a bed that they found 40miles away. For me the reason that I have turned down that bed there are a couple of reasons. One, it's bloody miles away. OK, I am not planning on telling family and friends where I am, but I don't want to be miles away in a place I don't know. Two, I have no relationship with the staff at all. I worry that being in an unfamiliar environment will make me worse and more impulsive as I don't feel as though I can approach anyone. If I do get worse, I worry that because the staff don't know me will flap and I will end up in a PICU, and on a downward spiral. And, I know that the ward they want to send me to is made up by more than half of the beds being dementia and elderly care. I worked on the ward years ago and because of this there were a lot of incontinent patients, there was never enough staff on the ward and was a horrible place.

So, that's why I have said I don't want to go there.

But, I am worried that Dr T may turn round and say because I am not seeking medical treatment and I am not engaging properly (as I have not taken an available bed) that he wants me to have a MHA assessment because of non engagement. I have never had one sprung on me before. I have been aware that they are going to happen. I have only ever had one in my own home, the rest have been while I was in hospital, either on a 136, from a 2 to a 3 or when I was informal and they changed it to a 2. The one that I did have in my own home I was informed the day before that they would be coming and at what time. So, I don't think they would just spring one on me. But, then on the other hand, I think if I knew they were going to do that I would do a disappearing act. Not sure where I would go, but I certainly wouldn't be around when they came to see me.

Reading this back it does sound as though I am manipulating people. It is not intentional. I am not sure if it is but I think it could be seen as though. I don't want to take the risk of going to a place I don't know and it making me worse and ending up on a section. I get scared and I can't control impulses and I don't think straight. Well, less straight than now even. I don't know any of the staff and don't have a relationship with any of them. At least at the main psych hospital which is local I know most the staff. I can talk to them and they know me quite well. Surly it's better to be in an environment that would be more therapeutic. I suppose the other hospital it would keep me safe. Maybe I should take the bed and ask that I am transferred as soon as a bed becomes available.

I'll give it a couple of hours and ring again and speak to the guy who I spoke to earlier.

Waiting...

The police were involved again last night. They came round with the mobile triage nurse. I had told crisis team on the phone how I was feeling and that I had been ODing as a self harm thing. Not enough to end my life. But, it chills me out a little and enables me to take a step back. I told them this last night, I got really pissed off at the woman I was speaking to and I hung up on her. Then a while later I have a phone call from the police telling me they are sending someone round to talk to me. They called an ambulance but I said I wasn't going as I knew the dose wasn't life threatening. They didn't make me go which was lucky.

So, spoke to duty again today and she said she had spoke to my doctor and they believed that I should consider an admission. I said I didn't really want to do that. I asked if it was possible to see someone first before they go and make the decision (I love how they make you think it's your decision). So within 30 minutes they had sent 2 people out to me. The first thing they said was I needed to be in and that essentially that was the plan. But, currently there are no beds available. So, I am on the waiting list. No idea how long it will be. It was a week last time. Pretty shit.

Can't say I am too keen on going in. Who would be. But, I know the option is me ending everything. The urges are so strong and are taking over.

I honestly believe at the moment that things would be better if I were not around. I wouldn't be a burden on people, I wouldn't mess up their lives, I wouldn't be enduring the suffering any more. People will get over it in time. I'm not going to get over this. Yes, that is selfish thinking, but, I can't deal with this for the rest of my life.

So, now, I just have the waiting to do.

Can't Be Cured

After over 2 years of therapy. I am still the same. Sometimes, I do feel as though I am getting somewhere, others, like now. I wonder what the point is. I like G, I really do. But, I wonder if therapy has helped at all. I have a better understanding of why I feel like I do. But, I still feel like I do.

Therapy is coming to an end. I have been told medication isn't the answer. Therapy is ending. So does that basically mean I am beyond help?

When I am like this I can't see progress. I still feel as though I am the same messed up person I was 3 years ago. I have the same thought processes. I am aware of them which I wasn't before, but they are there.

G is great, he is. And, I don't want to lose him. But, I am not sure me saying that I need him because I have a relationship with him and I can be more honest with him than I can with anyone. He reads me well and can help me put some order to my thoughts and give them some validation, I can offload at him and he doesn't flap. It is useful seeing him, but, I don't think he is the person meant to be doing that for me. He is a psychologist, and I am not sure how much psychology is useful. It's the having someone I know, someone who reads me and can make me feel a bit less confused that is. I understand that probably isn't his role and it can be filled by someone a whole lot less expensive. So, I understand why our relationship has to end. It doesn't mean I am ok with it though.

I feel even more defective, I feel like a lost cause. For so long I have been told that therapy is the answer, and if I work at it I will get better in time. Well, I've been doing that. Yet, here I am still. I am still making plans. Cancelling plans with friends because I am not sure if I will be around, cancelling plans because, once the delivery comes I want to be on my own and really think it through and make the best decision.

I am not sure what the point in crisis team etc is. I call them and I am just told to distract myself. I've tried that. I wouldn't be calling if I hadn't. But then they tell me the same thing again. I was supposed to have an appointment today, but I decided I can't see the point in going. I can't see the point in having any input from them. I have had input the last 3 years and still end up in the same place.

So, I am kind of lost at the moment.

Update

Things are all going to shit. Urges in massive overdrive. Plans are being made and  I am waiting on a delivery. I am reaching out though. It's a back up. A just in case.

I am not sure I have made the best decision in going to college. I am not sure if I can do it. I am worried about the extra debt I will be getting in to. On the other hand, there is no way I could hold down a job at the moment. At least college is just a few hours each week.

And then the thoughts start again. I am not able to handle a job. I haven't been able to in a long time. It's 3 years since I was first admitted to hospital. This time 3 years ago I was in a mess. On the 11th it will be 3 years since I was first sectioned. People say I have come so far. Really? I still have the same thoughts, the same processes. Maybe G is right? Maybe there isn't much point in us continuing. I come back to the same thing each time. The difference, I am more aware of what is causing it. This time it's an amalgamation of many things. Mainly though, it's how I feel about myself. I feel like a loser. 30. No kids, no job, no career, no man, nothing to show for myself, nothing to show for my life.

Losing weight has not made me feel any different. I am still the same person who's thinking scares oneself. Who's thoughts scares oneself. I have no confidence. I pretend on the outside. People think I am ok. People think I am doing better. For me I don't see a future. I don't see anything for myself.

I am finding myself not being able to make commitments to people as I am not sure if I will be around then. So rather than saying I can look after that child, or take someone to the airport etc, I am saying I am busy etc. I don't want to be dead, in hospital etc and have them let down because they can't do what I said I would do for them. I don't want to inconvenience people. It's mad isn't it?

Tonight the police were involved. I called crisis team and told them I was at the river. I didn't go there with any intentions. But while I was there and I started thinking of it as an option. So, I reached out. My thoughts were scaring me. The guy said he was going to have to call the police. So, I said ok, I'd go home. The last thing I need is being put on a 136 and then my family finding out as the AMHP called them to tell them he was doing an assessment for a section 2. So, I came home. I called the guy back and said I was at home now so he didn't need to call the police. But, half an hour later I get a police man at my door. He then called another guy who has a MH nurse with him and they patrol. So they came too. But, basically, as I have an appointment booked in tomorrow, they left me to it. I am trying to not do anything as I have my back up coming in the post. I don't want to be ill from something not working and it being an even bigger mess. So, the reason I am trying to keep myself safe, is not because I am not sure, it's because I am waiting for something that would work.

I basically told the guy the truth (well a half truth, nothing about a back up), that I was really struggling to keep myself safe. That I wouldn't call anyone now as was after 9 and when ever I have spoken to someone on that team before they have been useless. So, I can't see the point in doing it. I didn't tell him I have no intention of going to that appointment tomorrow. I can't really see the point in it. Also, it would be with someone I have never met before. I feel it really uncomfortable. At least if it's someone who knows me they can read me and can tell me what I am thinking without me being able to say anything. They can tell me what's going to happen, what they will do. I really don't know what they can do at the moment.

And, I don't understand my doctor. When I ask for medication he tells me no, and that medication won't make me feel better etc. And that he will not make any changes. So when I called them before, I said there was not much point in talking to him as he won't do anything and doesn't agree in medication, but they get in contact with him anyway and they said they had spoken to him and he was increasing my meds. Again, I am meant to be seeing him next week. Again, I can't really see the point.

I don't know why I reach out to people when I feel like this. They can't exactly do much. All they do is just tell me to distract myself. I only call them when I have exhausted my distraction techniques. I can't see the point in calling.

Anyway. That's it.