Thursday, 28 November 2013

Where Things Are

I did have quite a long post prepared that I had made notes for about the last psychology session and where things are with R. But, it didn't really make much sense.

I just wanted to say that I am ok, still having thoughts and sometimes they are very intense. But, I have not acted on any. I can't cut as R would know then that it is something I have been doing again. I had to talk to him last night about drawing attention to my scars. Sometimes he kisses them quite a lot when we are in the bedroom and I really don't like it. He tries to make me feel better about myself, but he goes over board and he makes me feel uncomfortable.

I have lost quite a bit of weight recently, but I still want to lose about another 2 stone. I have made comments about this and about trying to eat well and exercise. Last night when we were in bed he keeps grabbing my stomach saying how much it turns him on. I hate it. Makes me feel so self conscious and it's horrible. It creeps me out a little if I'm honest. He just kept going on and on about how much he likes my body and that I shouldn't change it. And kept trying to get me to tell him how much I loved it. It was all a bit weird.

I think he's a fat lover. I've seen pictures of his exs on Facebook and they are all over weight. This makes me uncomfortable. More so than my ex not finding me attractive as I put on too much weight. I see that as acceptable. But, I don't understand why people would be attracted to me if I am 5 stone over weight. Surly, confidence is attractive and if a girl isn't confident about her own body, then that is unattractive.

I'll see where things go with this. I am not sure I like it. But, other than that, there are a few issues. But, I will try and put those to the back of my mind as I need to keep an open mind. Other than that things are ok.

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