It's stupid but I can't help the way I feel.
I have been following a weight watchers plan and I have a couple of friends also doing it. We text each other every Tuesday so we are accountable to someone else and to motivate each other etc etc. So I text my friend this morning saying I had lost 1.6kg this week (3.5lb) and she sent me a reply back, quite snotty saying
"I wish I had every day free to walk miles. It would fall off me. What are you eating"?
Is it me or is that quite off hand?
It's left me feeling quite angry.
I have only recently started to feel like I can actually do something. It seems she is insinuating I am work shy etc. I can't help that I have been ill. I am looking for voluntary work at the moment but I don't seem to be getting much response. So, yeah. I am quite angry.
I have been really struggling this week. The urges and suicidal thoughts have been very strong. I am trying so hard for it not to over take me and engulf me again. I have self harmed and I am having strong urges to now.
I saw my CPN on Friday. She said something that annoyed me a little. She asked me if I thought that her and the psychologist knew how much I was struggling. I said that I didn't know. Then she said in the past I had acted on my feelings as if to show people how much I was struggling. That to me means that they see my previous self harm and suicidal attempts as attention seeking behaviour just to show people how much I am struggling. Maybe I misunderstood her. But that is what it sounded like to me.
We mainly spoke about how I have been feeling about now understanding that recovery means not being free of the thoughts and feelings but dealing with them. I said how I felt about this and that it was not what I wanted so I was pissed off. I was upset with it. That, the self harm only affects me, so as long as it only continues to do that why bother putting so much effort in to stop. I know the swallowing stuff could potentially lead to something, but the chances are so slim. I have done it so many times, many more than I can count. Yet, something has only happened once. And to be honest, at the moment, the way I am feeling about things is that I couldn't care less if it did. I am feeling quite ambivalent again. In that I couldn't really care if I live or die.
I've not got any plans. But I do have the means. I'm not telling anyone that. It wasn't intentional. I just didn't take my medication for a while. The CPN said she was surprised that the doctor had put me back on that particular medication considering that I very nearly died from taking an OD of it last time. She said she thought that the risks of me taking it in OD were higher than the benefits of the medication. But, she also said that they had informed my GP etc of that and had made them aware and really it was now in their hands.
The rational person in me says to get rid of what I have. But there is part of me that needs to hold on to them so that I have that safety net. I need that safety net. It is giving me some sense of control.
I get that what I am saying and how I am acting indicates a big step back. I would be so frustrated if I was in someones position who works with me. I don't want to piss people off so I struggle to talk about it.
I really feel as though I am all over the place and am trying to juggle so many things.