Saturday, 4 June 2016

Where Am I Now?

Wow, it's been a while. I think I was in hospital last time I wrote. That's quite a while a go.

So....I've met someone. I did a few weeks ago. He's amazing. I would go as far as saying he is the best thing that has ever happened to me. He really is. He gets me. He can read me like a book. And, I love him to pieces. I want to marry him and have his children. Lol.

But...I can't get past the fact that sooner or later he will leave me. He will get sick of me. Sick of my low moods and just go. I am too much for him. This is too much for him. I have voiced this to him and he said that he wont. How crazy is that...we have been together 8 weeks, if that and I am telling him that. I have cried on him about how scared I am that he will leave me.

He's asleep in my bed at the moment. We haven't had a night a part in 4 weeks now. We have moved really quire fast, but, I think I am letting him lead it. I think he is the one who is dictating how fast things are going. I think so. Or, he likes me a little and is scared I am going to kill myself and won't leave me alone and it is pity. I am worried about that. I think I have even said that to him too. He knows about my past. He knows about hospital. He knows I have tried to kill myself...he figured that out for himself. I am not sure if I am ready for a relationship. I don't think I was. Then he came a long and I fell head over heels. I don't want to lose him. He says it is now us, not me. That we are a we, that I am not alone. But how do I trust that? He says he will be there, I cry on his shoulder, I hope he is as he says he is...but....there is part of me that is expecting it to all fall a part.

We are so similar to each other. But at the same time so different. He is in touch with his emotions....not like the last guy at all. Because of that, I am so scared of hurting him. And, I am so scared of being hurt, I have opened myself up to him more than I have ever have. He knows more about me than some of my friends, And in such a short space of time. I am scared that he is putting on an act. That he doesn't really feel as though he says he does. That it is all just a ploy to get in to my pants. That somehow, it is just a joke. He can't be real. He is practically perfect for me. So, it can't be real....can it??????

If it is real, if I have met that guy who understands me, that wants to be with me...then surely, I am going to fuck it up somehow. I will hurt him one too many times and he will say that enough is enough and he will walk away. I feel so fragile.

My mood has been low a while....fuck that...I am depressed again and I have been for a while. The same thoughts are returning. The same feelings. I feel like I am walking a tightrope again. I am hanging on by my finger tips. I have tried to hide it from him, I have tried to put on a front....but I can't. He really does pick up on everything. He knows my body language and just knows when something is bothering me. He knows when I play with my lip piercing that something is going through my head. And he wants me to talk about it. So, I open up and start crying on him as he won't drop it. But he is open with me too. He tells me how he is feeling. I don't need to interpret his body language or read in to what he says as he just tells me. It is so refreshing being with someone like that.

I really do think that he is the best thing that has ever happened to me. So, what happens when I screw it all up. What happens when he turns away and says enough is enough, I can't be doing with you. I don't love you anymore. I don't find you attractive. I can't be doing with your MH problems. What happens?????? I don't deserve him. He is far too good for me. It's going to happen. So what do I do. I'm pretty attached to him. Do I push him away now? Do I tell him to go? He told me yesterday to live life for the day. To not think badly of the future. But, he doesn't get that is what I do. My psychologist even said we need to get something in place for if it all goes tits up with him. I am obviously not capable of holding on to someone decent. The last guy wasn't right for me and I was constantly second guessing. But, we ended and look where I ended up after that. OK, I know things were going wrong for a while, and I had stopped my meds and hadn't told anyone. But what happens when things fall a part with this perfect guy. Surely no one is perfect. Is there such thing as The One. Because I do think that he could be. I don't know if I felt this about my last two relationships. I don't think I did. Not this intense, not so quickly.

With my low mood and this....I am not doing too well. No SH, no attempts. But, the thoughts are there. Not SH, but the thoughts of doing something that would be permanant are there. There are a couple of parts of me. There is the loved up part. The totally in love don't want to be away from him. But there is that second part that keeps telling me that it's all going to go to shit. It's not real. So, why don't you just go and take every medication you have in your stash and just get on with it. I don't deserve him. He hasn't done anything awful to deserve me. Put us both out of our misery.

I suppose a bigger part of me is hanging on to the good stuff. I want to believe that there is someone who will love me like he does. That he is being truthful. That he really does love me as he says he does. All I have is that and I suppose that is all I have to keep going. I have to believe that what he says is true. Someone can love me. Someone can love me for who I am. For my faults. And, even though I can't see them, that he can see my benefits. That he can love me. That he wants to be with me. I really am hoping that that is the truth in this...that he is perfect for me. That he is as perfect as he seems. Because, I love him so fucking much. Love isn't a big enough word to describe how I feel about him. It's bigger than that. It's scary.

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