Thursday, 10 December 2015

Still in Hospital

Yup, I'm still here. I am now informal though. However, I am being referred to somewhere longer term. I am hoping that things click in to place before then. I know if I am at home I will end up acting on the feelings that I have. I can't manage them. I don't know why things haven't clicked in to place by now. Things usually do. I have been here about 9-10 weeks now. It's a long admission.

I attempted to go in the river again last Friday. I was a bit of a mess. There was something in me that said it's not the best idea and I need to speak to someone. So, I called the ward. I told them I was struggling. I couldn't hear a word that was being said so I hung up the phone. Next thing I know 2 police officers appear. I tried to jump then but they grabbed me. I tried to fight them but that didn't work. I ended up in the ED as I had taken some pills too, Most of the time was spent trying to get away. I don't know what was going through my head. At one point I have 4 people restraining me yet I still tried to fight them off.

Currently, there is a small part of me that thinks I shouldn't end my life. I am trying to focus on that, but, the longer it goes on, the more set I am on the idea that I should and it seems as though it is the right thing to do.

I have deferred from college. I tried to go back. But I couldn't do it. It was a horrendous experience. I was practically ignored from people in my class. And, I couldn't do the work. I had really struggled to make the decision on whether or not to go back. I wasn't going to. Then I went to see my tutor and he made me feel a lot better about it. So, I gave it a go. I did 2 days and I was a mess. What gets me though is, I really struggled with the decision. I didn't know whether or not \I should go back. Everyone at the hospital was telling me I should and it would be good for me. Then, when I tried and decided to defer people turned around and told me that I had made the right decision. I spoke to G about it the day or so after and he said I had made the right decision. When I asked him why he didn't tell me that to start with he said he thought it best I make my own decision and try it. That if I hadn't, I may have been left wondering about it and regretted my decision that I didn't try. Annoyed me a bit. Wish he had just said to start that he thought I should defer...he's usually right in what he says. I don't think I have ever proved him wrong on anything... that's annoying to admit.

It worries me that I may end up somewhere long term. That I will be locked up. If I am sent somewhere else I will lose G and all the team I have around me. I have a good relationship with G, I trust him and he is useful. I don't want to start from the beginning all over again. I don't want to go over all those things that I found so hard to discuss with him. I worry that if I am somewhere like that, that starting from all that will put me in a bad way and will lengthen the time I have to spend there. I am informal at the moment though. I am not sure anywhere will take me because of that. I know that the referral hasn't actually been made yet. I am wondering if they know this too. Maybe, if I can just get Xmas and New Year out of the way, then things will click in after that. That's the thing...I don't know, I get what they are saying. That we don't know. They can't keep saying ok ok... two more weeks. Because, how long is that going to go on for? They need to have a plan. I think there is only 2-3 other people on a ward of 14 who have been here longer than me. That's not good.

I am scared too. I am scared of both ways in which this will go. I know I can't manage at home. Being here is a respite from fighting/coping/not acting on thoughts. I can't just walk out and go take a huge OD, or go to the river. It is stopping the impulsiveness in me. And that's good I suppose...well the bit of me that is more positive. But, at the same time, I really don't want to go anywhere. I will lose everything. I have a flat, I have stuff. I will lose all that. I suppose I will if I am dead, but then I won't know anything about it. So what can I do?

I am trying to get on with life and do things that I enjoy. I have my bike here so I can go out on that, I am going hiking, I am doing photography stuff. I am trying to do those normal things which I enjoy, but, nothing is working. I am sick and tired of it all. I can't keep trying and not getting anywhere. I asked what else I can do, and the staff say there isn't really anything and I just need to keep going with what I am doing. But that isn't working. I have had enough!!!!

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